By Dan’l New’ll
The Humor Journal Four
Rodgey, holding a cane, “Dan, with this I could conquer the world.”
While passed out drunk, my Bro bro Josh got beaten pretty badly. He and Jason has been at a toga party, and Jason found him and carried him out, like in the bodyguard. So I say to Josh the next morning” “You know who you look like? Sloth from the goonies. The tuft of hair in the middle of your heard (he’d just gotten a Mohawk), the swollen, lop-sided face, one eye lower than the other…”
The fella who beat him is named Severon Thorton. Josh works with him and the two previously did not like each other. Not that that has changed.
Is it wrong of me, as a straight man, to have masturbated during Brokeback Mountain? I mean, the production values were just SO GOOD.
I used to eat a lot right before I went to bed. But now as a way to get leaner I’m not eating anything after midnight. I’m like a mahgwy.
Bro, talking through the working park of his mouth, “I don’t want Chloe to see me like this.”
ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN PK: the use of the phrase “n’am.” As in, are you hungry? I n’am. Holy crap. Am I becoming like Jefffoxworthy? No. Please god no.
Kim Winchell’s little sister when she thought someone was sick: “Goh barf?”
Dan’l: Alright bro, we gotta give a chick the nick-name “Snagglepuss.” Yknow, if she like, has a really big muff.
Rodgey: Is it wrong of me to urinate in a public sink?
Rodge: I could just pee in the sink and crap in a bucket. I don’t even need a toilet.
Dan’l: I just bought the toilet paper. The rich, chocolate toilet paper.
Bro, to Teddy Graham: Doin’ yer girlfriend in the butt yet?
Rodgey, walking with his cane: I’m what it woulda been like if Tiny Tim had lived.
Each winter, I begin to see the Big House as somewhat of an igloo. Not warm, but something to block the wind.
It seems the North Koreans have engineered the most phallic name for a missile yet, the taepodong 2.
ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN PK: the use of the phrase “dorable.” Don’t I jus look dorable?”
Weak Bro, on painkillers, “It smells like vomitpee in my room.”
Bro: I had an unsatisfying whack yesterday. Another one.
Storytime Bro: So I got a thickburger… and ate it…”
PK: I wanna take you to the zoo.
PK: Dave is really metaculous about building stuff.
One of my largest tenants, a mister Jay Cox, just came into my office from the heat outside, dripping sweat and said “I’m sweaty in places most folks don’t even have.”
Aw. I was just trimming my toenails and hadta touch my smelly feet. Now my hands smell like footbutt. So it goes.
Dan’l, wanting to play some Mariokart, “Bro, you wanna go upstairs?”
Dan’l: “Rodge, lemme ask you a question: How can you watch a dog eating out of a bowl, and then go and eat out of the bowl yourself without washing it?”
At Mark’s, after I didn’t share my ice cream with him as much as he wanted, Rodge went and got his own and said “Now the ice cream is on the other foot, Dan.”
Adrian, Josh’s Rottweiler, was backing it up on Jason, and he says “Quit it Adrun. I don’t feel like looking at your butt and pussy.”
Every day for the last few days, Rodgey, who know I hate all melon, has been saying “Dan I’ve got your watermelon for you.”
Anytime anything bad happens to Rodge while I’m around he yells “Daaann!” in such an angered way. And when I brought this up to him he said that’s the way it’s always been and that’s the way it’ll always be.
One pornsite I came across that has more disgusting potential than most is “Anal Destruction.”
Emily: Remember approximately a year ago when everything you did was about gaining the power? And then when the mono brought an end to all your power-gaining?
Bro: Do ya ever have your hand down yer pants playin with yer balls and then go to pick something outa yer teeth and get the distinct taste of balls in your mouth?
Just think about what your large intestine has to smell like, pumpin all that waste all the time.
Dan’l: Oh Harvey, the guy upstairs, Mike Wheeler, his A/C wasn’t working and a week and a half ago he asked if you could fix it and you didn’t because you were on vacation. Then he killed himself. Clean it up.
So at Icon Nightclub a few weeks ago Dark Mark met an older woman who asked him to grind her as hard as he could, up against a wall. Flash forward 2 and a half weeks and she’s calling him nonstop, and he says “I’ve been doin her like dogshit for the last week. Not only that, but she takes it so seriously. There’s no joking around. She’s so sexually conservative. And she cries all the time during, and I had to tell her that I’m gonna stop doing her if she doesn’t stop crying all the time.”
Boy, Abbey sure has been hurting my feelings a lot lately. And moreover, I’ve been going on and on all the time about how much Abbey’s been hurting my feelings.
Emilar: We’re going to name the baby Kylie if it’s a girl.
I’ve been thinking about goin to the mudhouse and getting a peanut brotha mud turtle.
Springfield: A town with an active yogurt culture.
Wellsir, I’ve decided to change the pronunciation of Rodgey’s name to a hard G sound like in the word doggie. Rogey, instead of the usual hodge-podge sound.
Jason and Josh (in unison, almost) “you gotta lick Abbey’s butthole. We guarantee it’s clean.
Ole Bro was flippin through the channels and came across dirty dancing, and I say, “These movie had PK by the crotch for a while there.”
Both Rodgey and I were thinking of saying the phrase we’d just made up “Going under the top” at cards the other night, meaning we were going to play a lower card than had been played.
I guess I’m starting to know Josh’s tricks too well, because after I’d given him a wild and woolly beat down at MarioKart, he reached for his yogurt container, took a bite and got another spoonful and went to nonchalantly sling it on me, but I had my hand up to block it, and then I smacked the caught yogurt onto his forehead.
So Abbey chose to wake me up this morning to tell me “Your brother put trash on your car and paper-toweled your car last night.” And all I could think was first, was that important enough to wake me up, when she knows I have sleep issues, and then, it paper-toweled really a verb?
Recounting a nativity scene we once performed at church:
Dan’l: Josh was playing Joseph opposite a young attractive Amy Marshall as Mary.
Bro: If I put my wiener in Chloe’s mouth, would she know what to do with it?
Chloe: I don’t wear sandals. You’re just not prepared it you’re wearing sandals. I mean, if someone is chasing me and I’m wearing shoes, I’m ready. Or if someone wants to play tennis, or kickball, or baseball, I can. And if I wanna go swimming, I can just take off my shoes. But if I’m wearing sandals, I hafta be like “Oh, I’m wearing sandals.”
At Pitch, our current card-playing match up features the J-Bears versus the Really Rodgeys.
A new nickname for Hunter and Connor together that Mark just made up accidentally is “Cunter.”
Bro, talking about that softball player chick on the Nike commercials where everyone has a gigantic head, “Just because she’s not freakishly ugly and she’s a female athlete they make such a big deal outa her.
Danl: So I’m coming over and you’re not even there?
Rodgey: Oh, Adrun’s cuddly now. But when we’re home alone she won’t talk or anything. “Cause she’s sad that Josh isn’t here.
Rodge: PK and I used to never run our machinery at a job site at night, because that’s when the “Boogey-man-tear-up-monster” would come around and wreck all our stuff.
There is something about using my electric razor that gives me the hiccups. And shaving underneath my chin in general.
So when I got over to Abbey’s house she was watching some hospital drama, and I’m like, “what is this, St. Elsewhere? General Hospital? Empty Nest? E.R. ? Chicago Hope? Scrubs? House? Grey’s Anatomy?”
I gotta tell ya, I’m not comfortable with Kelly J constantly talking about putting her body butter on. I just don’t see her like that.
Abbey: You often speak out against larger women.
Mark: Rodgey has no ability to be embarrassed. He can’t be. He doesn’t care about being inappropriate and he cannot be embarrassed.
So Bro tells me one time he was about to go down on this chick and her snooter smelled just like his armpit.
While I was getting a haircut, Candice asked me if I could remember who it was that got a haircut right before me the last time.
Today somehow I swallowed food up my nasal passage and then sucked it down towards my lungs. And I felt very sneezy. So then I hocked it up and spit it out.
So I’m gonna start randomly saying “Listen Mr., I don’t want any trouble.” In situations without any conflict.
So the phone rings, and it’s Harvey, calling about my cleaning person, a homosexual man.
After having a hard time with small talk while visiting the Shoultz family in Miami, Oklahoma, and having been inundated with election signs in every yard we passed on the way down, Dan’l, “So who you guys voting for in the Disctrict Attorney race, Bryant? Wright?
Abbey’s friend Melanie knows a little girl who was in a dance and she had little antennae on her head. Melanie: Are you sposed to be a bug?
I’m constantly bragging about how I own over 150 pairs of socks.
Bro, heading to the Lake of the Ozarks, trying to convince me to come, “Are you telling me that we’re going to the Missouri Slut Convention, the Southwest Regionals, and you’re not interested? Yeah right. You want sluts all the time.
Remember Lucas Bolinger’s birthday party when I ate a little cake and fell off the fat wagon and ate the bulk of the ice cream and couldn’t stop. I was scooping and scooping. And in the far-off distance I could hear people saying “No! Daniel, no! Stop, please stop. No, that’s not even food for the party you’re eating. Please stop!
They used to have a set up where folks would just leave their workout gloves in a drawer at the Y, but I changed that system. And acquired a lot of lifting gloves.
So outa nowhere at Abbey’s Birthday Party at Nakatos Japanime Steakhouse I decided that I didn’t like the really old man I was sitting by, because I wanted to sit in the middle of our group and didn’t get to. So I whispered loudly to Abbey, “I don’t like him. I don’t liiiiiiike him. I think I’m gonna hafta fight him.
Then I was pretty sure that when we told our server it was Abbey’s birthday, they were gonna bring her out a rice cake.
Every time I see a squarely-built redheaded woman, I think of my mother, PK.
Rodgey: Dan, I’m disappointed in cats in general. I don’t see why they were allowed to get on the ark. This cat on the back porch can’t even take care of her own kittens. She just let’s em die.
Old George gets funny looks from people at the grocery store when he asks for the his favorite old-timey candy “N*gger toes.”
My granddad Normy, who ran a general store down in Goodhope Missouri, he put a sign on a box of generic cigarettes that read “These will kill you too!”
Today I asked my dad Rodgey if he was the one who cut down all those trees that now block the way on my favorite running path, a former train track behind the house.
Rodge: “Yes. Yes I did. I had to stop those people on 4-wheelers. I can’t stand the city taking my land and celebrating with their bike paths, running tracks and hiking trails. Humbug.”
So I told Rog that Andrea’s mom is a physical therapist whom I had told about his giant swelling elbow. And that she instructed him to dip his elbow in cherry pie filling. And, as an added bonus, I ended by telling him she is older and veeerrrryy attractive, and she has really long fingers. So Rodge responded that I need to tell her about another part of his body that is swelling thinking about her., and that he needs her to look at it.
After hearing that I was sposed to go over to abbey’s house last night, instead of hanging out with him, which is what I was doing at the time, Bro says, “No! I think all you owe her is one date each week, one lunch together, and one night together at home.”
At cards, instead of the standard “we’re taking it on the chin this time” when we were losing, I says to Rodge, “We’re takin’ it in the mouth this time.”
Jason, on my relationship with Abbey: “When is it that the significant other becomes the disciplinarian?”
Rodge was worried about Adrian overeating, and said “I think it’s gonna give her the grout.”
Rog: What I’m always thinkin about with people is how much you could part ‘em out for. Yknow, render their blubber.
Rodge, talking about a demolition job, “ Dan, if we had you in Branson West, the fun we’d have couldn’t be measured by regular standards.”
Hunner: “Dan, are you gonna come to fireworks with us? …the sparklers… they send people to the emergency room.”
Leann and I had another Mopedifiles ride through Springfield the other day. We were terrorizing the town like Heathcliff. We ran thru stop signs and were told not to ride on campus by a very polite security guard who is now our arch enemy.
Michael Clark, local weirdo, “I’ve got all these ideas.”
I think Bro called Rodgey Treebeard last night.
On what happened at the Rikshaw Asian Restaurant with a girl Josh dated, Rodgey: “Well ever since Josh lost favor with Puan and Cousin of Puan, we’re been afraid to eat there. Because they might poison us or give us the diarrhea food. I wish Josh woulda never met Puan or Cousin of Puan.”
Rodgey: “Brian. Briiiiiian. If I ever had a boyfriend, I’d want his name to be Brian.”
Rodge: Underwear. Always bring an extra pair if you feel like you’re gonna crap your pants. I did that in George’s driveway the other day.
Rodgey, on an incident he’d had: “Mark. He sent me over the internet to buy a trailer, and he should know if anybody should that I don’t even need to know what an internet is, and I didn’t end up buying one trailer but two, and even Hunner yelled at me he said “Pawpaw, why’d you waste our 6 thousand dollars?”
Artie, Rodgey’s older manfriend in Branson West, who constantly compliments Rodge, has now got Rodgey jealous. He’s done so by telling Rodge about another manfriend who he’s intimate with. Then Rodgey told Artie that he’d be done tearing down all the buildings at the site pretty soon, and Artie told him to be quiet.
Y’know what? I don’t think Persono was gay. I was wrong. He didn’t want to have sex with me. He just wanted to have sex with my butt. And butts aren’t male or female. My butt doesn’t have a penis or a vagina.
At the DMV in Fayetteville there’s a lady Tyler calls “Blondhead Pigface.”
Hunner: “Daddy, today I broke my gun, lost my turtle and Pawpaw and Dan aren’t coming over. What ELSE can happen to me?
7.7.06. I’m starting to think I’ve got the loosest stools in town. I mean, I nearly Kwokked my pants last night at the squat rack.
Dan’l New’ll: Freelance male stripper.
Dan’l: Y’know abbey, I think this constant washing of your underwear shows a lack of creativity. An original and creative mind will, if he has no clean underwear…”
7.8.09. Welp, Abbey got onto me again last night. This time it was about me looking in the mirror all the time. She forcibly told me to stop looking in the mirror, then when I responded she said she didn’t want to talk about it.
Later she explained why it upset her. Abbey: “Daniel, it’s just that, whenever you look at yourself, the way you look at yourself, I just think, man, I wish he’d look at me that way sometimes.
Leann, rubbing her pinkeye, “Oh, this feels SO good.”
The other night outside Icon nightclub, Jason pointed out Leann’s mole on her face. And then Kevin Kwok, local retard impersonator, asked, “Can I have your autograph?” Now, I think he was going for a Cindy Crawford reference. I think. But I cannot say for sure.
Leann says that when I give a skank a ride on my moped, I should call it my “ho-ped.”
Well, Teddy Graham’s girlfriend has been calling me Spiderman for weeks of softball games. And she invited me to a party the other day. And she and Graham got into a fight last week, which I assume was over me. Gosh, I hope this doesn’t affect our softball team chemistry.
7.10.06. Today I drove on probably one of the lowest tires I’ve ever driven on in my life. It was to the ground and I was squirrelly all over the road, like any of our favorite drunk drivers.
Dan’l: “Dang it, Lucas. Because of your meddlin’ I got a raise. If you hadn’t mentioned the fact that I hadn’t gotten a raise to your Dad, he wouldn’t have given me one. Now he’s gonna start looking at my performance, and then I’ll get performance anxiety and become unable to perform.”
Remember VJ, in high school gym? And he’d call me pussy, and Tyler and I would laugh and laugh and laugh. Because no matter what he said, he was still the only minority member we had in school.
Bro: My taint smells like girlcrotch.
Abbey’s cat Fiona likes to dig an old Q-Tip outa the trash, dip it in her water dish and then set it on your lap.
As I was hanging out with Lucas, his wife, Tyler and his wife, all I could think was “I wonder what Abbey Shoults is crying about alone at home right now?”
Again abbey woke me up under suspicious circumstances this morning. This time it was to ask me when I wanted the alamr set for. When she knows I get up at 10 in the morning, in order to make it to work a little late but not really really late.
Kelly J: “So Abbey has friends?”
I caught Rodgey swigging some kinda murky nastiness the other day. Then he said, “Dan, I made my own buttermilk.”
Kristina Nelson, on the phone to leann: “You hafta promise not to laugh, but, I was driging down the road, and, I hit a cow.”
Terry Long, on Ryan’s new woman Erika, “I’ve never met her but once.” And “I’ve probably been introduced to her but didn’t know who she was.”
For a long time I’ve been having a series of serious conversations with Terry. The first one was on the environment. He said we’ve already killed the environment and the ozone with pollution. Then I asked him about people, and he said people are half loony and half crazy. They go around talking about each other all the time.
Bro threw some yogurt at me while playing Mariocart, missed then asked if he’d hit me. Dan’l: “You missed me but you hurt my feelings.”
Mark: So I know these two brothers named Ned and Ed. Well, I guess it was Ned and Edward. Well, Ned’s full name coulda been Nedward.
Wouldn’t you like the story of the boy and the dyke better (you know the story about where the boy sticks his finger in a leaky hole in the dyke, saving the town, but himself dying of exposure) wouldn’t you like it better if it was about a lesbian?
I have a hard time talking about chiggers around black people.
7.17.06 Rodgey: “And, Artie was extra frisky today. He was up early on Sunday Morning, when everyone else was at church and the cops weren’t out prowling around, he was moving his illegal trucks that he doesn’t have licensed, just like I used to. And he was wearing shorts and his legs were really white and veiny.”
Rodgey, listening to a message on his answering machine: “What is that person saying on that radio or television or whatever that machine is?”
Adrian the dog has a stuffed Teddybear she likes to chew on named Kissyfer
Abbey, the mother-figure, “Daniel. I found lotion under the couch. Care to explain that to me?”
Dan’l – Abbey, I been watching TV and are your cats living the Purina Catchow way of life?
7.17 Daniel, the host – “Can I offer you anything, coffee, tea, milk, milk, lemonade?”
So, Chloe had the idea of quitting Smoothie King and working at a bank shortly after Brian quit. Typical.
7.18 I’m beginning to worry that Josh’s incessant ridicule of Jason asking stupid questions is dangerously similar to Bill Engvall’s “Here’s your sign” and anything having to do with Jeff Foxworthy is simply unacceptable.
I think Abbey’s getting weened offa me.
7.20 It’s hotter than gay porn outside.
Dan’l – Connor, what happened to you yesterday?
7.21 A bird has once again come down my chimney and gotten stuck in my flew. Crap, I think I’ve got the bird flu.
Last night I had a dream that I caught Soloman watching gay porn. And I think he was touching himself while doing so. Well, he had his hand down his pants and said hand was not dormant at the time. And he’s all, “I gotta admit – this is pretty gay.”
Over at the Big House, they’re pretty sure PK was selling the used materials at a price that was too low. People still come by and say, “Hey, can I get that Paula discount?”
Rodge, after seeing that he and Mark were going to be partners instead of he and I – But Mark and I, we don’t have the same rapture (rapport) as Dan and I.
7.22 Well, I’ve been trying to imagine that ‘m looking in the mirror at myself when I look at Abbey so that I get that same adoring look on my face.
Buckley – What happened to your bike?
If I was a duck, I’d start a Duck Triathlon; wherein a bunch of ducks compete in the three events of swimming, running, and flying… and then the all-around.
Bro – Mark bought this Transformer when he was little, with his own money, and it made PK mad.
Dan’l – Abbey, you know I’ve got discriminating tastes just like the cat on the fancy feast commercial eating out of a goblet. I couldn’t be with a big girl.
It’s hotter than drunken trannies outside. Why, it’s hotter than 2nd cousins out there.
Bro clicked on a thumbnail on the greentits site, and it showed this chick, and looking closer Josh noticed that she had an awfully big labia fold coming out the side of her panties. Upon further inspection, it was found that the fold was actually scrotum.
My life has been a testament to the fact that one can work manual labor their entire life.
This masturbating is getting out of control. I’ve gotten to where I wanna hurry up and get done masturbating just so I can start masturbating again.
I think I’ll start closing every letter I write with, “Best wishes from me and my bitches.”
7.23 Ok. Pk is kinda creepin’ me out. She says she just likes to look at me.
Ok, now, that there was significantly skanky. I want somebody who’s equally yoked with the same skankiness that I have.
Rodgey’s been quoting Joco and talking about the “hem” (southern accent form of ham). Dan, I’ve cooked you the hem, and its so tasty.
Thing is, is that I don’t think Abbey is skanky enough to meet my needs – my skanky needs. I don’t think she registers on the skank-o-meter.
7.24 Rodgey, dealing with his left hand, “there’s no way I could possibly cheat with my left hand.”
Joshua Busick hasn’t returned my calls all summer. And everyday I drive by his house and see his truck out in the street, taunting me.
Now that my tenant Pro (the renter’s proram) has been dumbed down even more, many of the Icons are no longer colored in different colors and are just black, causing me to call this “Tenant Pro Black”.
7.25 Upon seeing Sarah Earnhardt for the first time in a year, I was all, “Now I’ve wanted long and hard for you to get back from Europe.”
Did I write in here that Jason Monroe is getting counseling for his problems he has with falling too hard for women?
7.27 My goodness! Dave Donkor still has my huffy!
Chick- Why, don’t you look nice.
See, I’ve got dreams. I’ve got skanky dreams. And I’ve gotta live those out.
Daniel – Andrea, my dad doesn’t have any prople to play with who are his own age. And your mom has expressed an interest. Well?
Pk was told at a young age that Grammamom went to the hospital for stomach pains because of a bad bologna and came back with Marian (her sister).
Rodgey always used to be saying, “I hafta go to my work at my work.”
7.28 Of course chicks complain a lot. If I didn’t have a penis, I’d be whining too.
Aye, you ever been grabbin’ on a big fake breast, and feel, on the bottom of it, a seam, or like a corner?
So I was right. Because I’m obsessive/compulsive, I check my doorknobs several times by shaking them back and forth, and yesterday, as I shook one, it came unlocked. All my craziness finally paid off.
And now another GREAT MOMENT in PK! Pk, looking at a book on my desk, “Wha’s dis?” Uh huh. And then, “Dave and I are gonna go see RV at the dollar store (instead of dollar show).
PK: Dan, have you seen March of the Penguins? You really need to see March of the Penguins. Those penguins are such caring parents.
My love languages are mockery and emotional abuse.
7.31 Folks over in Dogpatch claim that Mark Haggard is one of their cousins and that he moved away and c hanged his name, and his name used to be Earl Maggard, and he changed it to MerleHaggard.
Up in St. Louis, the black people were out in spades.
Sad to say, but I think I spend most of my office time as apartment manager losing keys.
Joco and Tony are moving back to the Big House, and I’m starting to see that place as more of a crisis center for displaced Conlans than anything else.
Could someone sue you for assault if you were to vomit on them?
7.30 6am, I havent pooped in 2 days. And I didn’t sleep last night. Not pooping really isn’t like me at all. I’m usually a poopaholic. If I no longer need sleep or need to poop, that can mean but one thing – I’m a zombie.
Pk’s gonna put these stickers of Hummingbirds on her little Suzuki car, and then, she says, “It’s gonna be a baby hummer”.
PK says that when Naywas a youngster she used to say, “Remember when you were the little girl and I was the Mommy, and I wanted to buy you this doll and I couldn’t? Remember that?”
Leaving to go to St. Louis for Salina and Lucas’ wedding, we got in the car and started driving, and right when we hit the street I was all, “I hafta go to the bathroom” in a whisper. And then, I’m carsick. I’m homeseick. I wanna go home now.
So, Jessie got really drunk Saturday night in St. Louis. And we had to drag her out of the bar, and she was all, “Gonna catch me ridin’ dirty. Why the hell was I talking to those guys from Philly and NYC? Why was I talking to those Yankees? Where, where did I get this cigarette?
4am, Saint Louis, black guy with a rolling backpack comes up to me on the street.
Rodgey used to always be freaking out about somebody pulling into the driveway. And he’d run through the Big House in his underwear yelling, “Trah man’s here! Trashman’s here!” or “Oh no, it’s Pensky. Pensky’s here!”
Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. Balls, balls, balls, balls.
8.1 Bro – Dang it. I’m gonna spit on your tonight. I didn’t want to, I really didn’t want to. I made a promise in my head.
I wonder what a peanut butter and KY jelly sandwich would taste like.
Ok, and employer would just have to know that they were sitting me up to masturbate all day every day when they put me in a job where I’m alone all the time in an office with a fast internet connection.
Telemarketer calling the Big House: “Hello, can I speak to Danielle Nevell, or Jahshwah Nevell?”
Jason Monroe, upon a request from Josh, dipped his sack in KFC gravy and let Adrian lick it off.
8.2 At the Big House, in the kitchen:
Rodgey, in his unceasing preparedness for sleep anytime, has been wearing pajamas for the past few days. He wore his pajama top to church the other day.
Bro – I heard this guy at church had a pretty bad stroke.
I’m sorry, but when I’m buying baby oil, I’ll only buy the kind made from the finest baby.
Bro, after I’d made a remark about Abbey, “Ya ever think about just tapin’ Abbey’s mouth shut and givin’ it to ‘er?”
Somebody just called the Tristate Business line about an apartment, and all I could think was, “Yeah, you’d like me to answer thep hone. What makes you think that if I didn’t answer yesterday I’d answer today.”
8.3 Alright, here’s a racial slur for ya, someone who is part asian and part whitey, like Jonnny Barnett, could be called a Rice Cracker.
Variation on stuff from yesterday, “They’re warning us that too much time out in this heat could give a person heat stroke. And that reminds me that I had a pretty hot stroke earlier looking at some tranny porn.
8.4 When I have a kid, I’m gonna ask my closest gay couple, probably Soloman and Jonny, to be his fairy godparents.
PK – Will you tell Josh that he can come over here and see me? He doesn’t hafta tell Mark.
That’s it. I’m done masturbating on my time. From now on, I’m only going to masturbate on company time. I mean, I have a life to live.
Pk – We’re going to see RV. It’s playin’ at the dollar store.
8.5 Leann, thinking about what I wanted to do last night, “I don’t want to do anything that would interfere with your squirrel.”
8.6 Josh dropped a dorito on my desk and then ate it.
It seems, according to the popups on my computer, that there are thousands of Hot singles on Adult Friend Finder who live in Halltown, just waiting to meet me. Something about that just doesn’t seem right.
Rodge, on PK: The tequila made her clothes fall off. And it wasn’t possible to enjoy it. It was very sobering. It was an embarrassment. H er clothes would start coming off at the mere smell of it.
8.7 Happy Birthday.
So Rodge is raising, or attempting to raise, a herd of Box Turtles over at George’s. This is because a guy is buying them in West Texas for $10.00 a piece.
Watching Rodgey, my partner at cards, stick aces in his pocket, “Alright Pocketeer”
Dan’l – My butt smells like sour produce.
Bro – Dan, go check on Jason, make sure he’s not locked in his room cryin’.
8.8 Rodgey, after hearing my phone greeting, “This is TriSTate Housing, if you’d’l ike to rent an apartment…” asked the question, “Dan, which three states is this? TriSTate Housing, Please explain this to me.”
8.9 Now, did I write this in here: That I’m naming my moped the “Dan’l Cycl” and my car the Dan’l Mobl”
PeeWee, this squatty guy who drives a wrecker, reminds Rodge of a groundhog.
At the pharmacy where Heather Slater works, this schitzophrenic guy comes in and gets his meds, and told her that he’s leasing his soul to the devil.
8.10 Here’s what. What Abbeyproofing your home means is to take everything that might be offensive to Abbey, or that you wouldn’t want her to find, and hiding it as best you can.
So I go grab one of Jason’s clean shirts to wipe Josh’s spit offa me, because his clothes stack is near by, and Josh says, “He can never know you used that one. That’s one of his graphic tees”
I pulled into the driveway at the Big House and swa that Jason’s truck wasn’t there, and all I could think was “good, at least Josh isn’t making fun of him to his face right now.”
8.10 Hey. Why was everything I learned my senior year of High School about Ghandi in some way or another? And then I never heard about him gain after that.
Officer Kevin Sweckard, leaving the office, “I’m Kevin Sweckard!”
Officer Sweckerd, “Yeah, Traci Cane, she’s a black woman, no she’s not fat, but she’s got big boobs. She got a gold tooth and parts her hair in the middle.
Rodgey came over and hooked up Shad’s abandoned vehicle to his tow truck. And Shad tog here and told us not to take it away. So Rodgey’s all, “I had to practice catch and release. There I was. I’d hooked that mother really good with two J-hooks, had ‘em ready to haul in, and then I had to give him back.” SO Rodge hooked up to the abandoned vehicle next to Shad’s, and he took it away. Then Larry came and said, “Where’s my car?”
8.11 Dan’l – So you’re back from Madagascar?
8.12 SO I called Jeff (Rodgey) with Springfield City Towing to get the car back that he towed for me a coupla days ago and I’m all, “Hello Jeff. This is Daniel. We need you to tow that Oldsmobile back over here. C’mon over whenever you can, I’ll be in the office doing my hand exercises.”
Right after Rodgey had to bring the Oldsmobile back and had left towing the Dodge Dynasty, I called him and said, “Rodge, the owner of that Dynasty needs you to bring it back now. Just kiddin’. Y’know, I want you to remember the good times. Not these awful times when you had to bring the cars back, but the good times when you ended up with that little green car with the huge spoiler, or that old early eighties maroonish van, fully loaded with nasty clothing. Remember those free junk car times.
8.13 Rodgey – I think what we need to do about Josh’s civil suit is to call the law office of Tadpole, Beetle, Muskrat, and Shrimp; and tell ‘em we mean business.
Connor, laughing, rings the doorbell at Na’s house over and over.
Rodgey – PK told me that she was more in love than ever before. Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce.
Mark Barger told me that all his friends are mad at him.
Dang. I’m ready for Earth Monster 7: The Ineligible Players.
So I successfully showered, dressed, and dove over to the Big House all while Abbey yakked on without pausing on the telephone.
Dan’l – Now Rodge, Mark doesn’t want you comin’ over now because you’re givin it to him all the time. Now, if you held back and kept yourself from him, he might want it more. You got to hold out on him. Tease him, play hard to get. When he calls, don’t answer, and call him back in a couple days and tell him that MAYBE you’ll come over sometime. That’s how you get him to like you.
Honeycut confides to Jason Monroe, “Sometimes when a guy touches me, I get an erection.”
Bro, to Melissa Stolce, “I’ve wanted to eat your butt since High School.”
8.14 Bro, on the movie “Closer”: “It was too real. I know that sounds gay, but yeah.”
You ever see somebody so ugly they annoy you?
By Jiminee, PK said the following, “Down at the Guadahalopos Islands, where Michele went, they’re wanting people, bodies that is, and guess what they want ‘em to do. Herd turtles…” and it was at that moment that I saw PK and Rodge on the same page in some way.
PK – Dave got this new pistol, and it reloads with a clip in the handle and I just feel really FBI-ish when I hold it. I feel like I’m an FBI agent. I wanna jump around a corner and shoot somebody.
PK – I’m reading the book called, “Blood Type, Body Type, and You.” And your blood type makes you have certain body types. There are all sorts of body types – There are Fat Blood Types and Skinny Blood Types. I’m a Fat Blood Type.
8.16 So Chris Kleier proceeds to tell me that he didn’t just fool around with Emily and Erin Kristec, but that he also fooled around with Linda Kristec. I had to draw the line.
Dan’l – Bro, y’know, I’m always on the lookout for a conspiracy theory, and well, you work every night now, and you got Joco livin’ here, and, do you not want me to come over anymore?
PK, to Josh, in a birthday card: I look in every dark pickup for you… I’m sending you hugs and kisses every night on the wind.
I’m working on a project whereas I transfer all of the Newell family cell phones to one another.
Josh used to say that Rusty Hargis was so ugly he couldn’t stand to look at him.
Jason, circa 1998 comes over to the Big House and asks PK, “Hey Paula, what’s going on?” to be polite and make conversation. And PK says, “Divorce. That’s what’s going on.”
So Josh was watchin’ porn, and he sees this sign that says, “Wanna see Lou Farigho’s Penis?” and he thinks, “Dang, I wonder what it looks like after all those steroids.” Glancing, he checks left, he checks right, and he clicks on it and Bammmm! Gay Pop-ups overrun his desktop.
Rodgey once crapped in his hand and threw it into some bushes.
8.17 Dan’l – Gunsmoke. Why’s it on every hour on Sunday?
8.18 Dan’l – Just saw Justin Rahn the other day.
Bro – Oh did he have a permasmile on his face?
After that Abby chick wet the bed while sleeping with Jason Monroe, she let him pee directly on her hand in the restroom at Icon as a way of making reparations. And she played in it.
8.19 Ok, my issue with PK taking a life insurance policy out on me was that I don’t even have any sort of Health Insurance, of any kind. I have no protection I anything happens to me whereas I need Healthcare, but if I died, PK would cash in Big. I mean, I want my loved ones to be taken care of if I die, contrary to what I told the insurance people when I heard of this policy.
Kayla Balfour, who I just rented an apartment to, saw my buttcrack, as most everyone has, as I bent over yesterday. And she wasn’t complainin’. She liked it. A lot. And I’m sorry, maybe I’m not gay enough, but a man’s buttcrack is just not a desirable thing.
I just wanted to let go, go wild, let my pubic hair down and kick up my heels.
PK – sonny, I hate myself every day because I didn’t take some of my settlement money and buy you a car, Why didn’t I just do that. I get so mad at myself because of that. I just think, why, why didn’t I just take some of that money and buy you a good car? I hate myself every day because of that. It really bothers me.
Rodgey is often remarking about women he’s attracted to, “She had really long fingers.”
So Rodge walks into my office, during business hours, locks the door behind him, and proceeds to urinate into a styrofoam cup he’d brought for that purpose.
8.20 Dan’l – Well, Brogurt.” (an adaptation of Hunter’s younger days “Nogurt” instead of “Yogurt”).
If I was a pedophile, and god willing someday I will be, I’d be one of those hairy guys that drive the ice cream jeeps and all the kids around town would call me Ding Dong man and their parents would never understand the double entendre.
Rodgey is quite concerned that I’m gonna have a moped accident and lose my brains, which he says is my only way to make it in the world. He continues, “… and Dan, you thin you could make a living with your penis if you cant make a living with your brain. But what you’re not thinking is that it’s all connected.”
Looks like I’m gonna hafta move into Rodgey’s room at the Big House while he’s away at his job in Wichita so that Joco or Adrian don’t stat living in his bed.
8.21 And now, a Daniel in High School: Humor Journal From Before Moment:
Now Abbey got upset because I didn’t want her to look at my email account. Heaven forbid that I don’t want her to know the extent of my whoredom.
Josh is really excited about the new Taco Bueno they got comin’ in at Bypass and Chestnut.
Bro gave Abbey an order last night and she didn’t take it very well. I hadta tell him that Abbey doesn’t take orders very well, she doesn’t take commands, she doesn’t take sass back, and she definitely doesn’t take it in the rear.
8.22 Rodgey and George went to Wichita. Rodge dropped his traveling mate off at some lake to fish while he went to look at a demolition job. While Rodge was headed down to the Oklahoma gambling grounds, Mark called him, they talked about the job and then Mark asked, “Did George get to have any fun?” to which Rodgey replied, “Oh Crap George! I’ve got to go.” He hung up and probably turned around to go back and get George.
8.24 Dan’l – Is it wrong, is it wrong of me to…
PK: “I have a dentist appointment at 3 this afternoon, so I figured I can come up and spend 2 hours with you.” And she says this on a day when I’m supposed to be working all day.
Bro – I think Abbey’s a menace.
Rodgey’s old divorce lawyer Carol Hutchison, was always trying to set him up on dates with gay men. And Rodgey couldn’t understand why. But he thinks that Carol was going by the adage, “Once you go PK, you gotta go gay.”
8.25 Here’s a threat that I’m gonna start using: Like if somebody’s annoying me or something; like if Josh spits on my pants that I have to have clean so that Abbey won’t chastise me: “Bro, if you don’t stop, I’ll French you.”
I think what I need is a team of skanks. Yep. I think that’s it.
Dan’l – Rodge, I went to the doctor about my knee and he kept feeling it, and he had really long fingers.
Emily, would you feel honored that I’m getting involved with stuff you’re interested in if I told you I’ve been watching porn centered around pregnant women dialating?
At the State Farm Insurance office, after I learned that PK had taken out a life insurance policy on me, (when I don’t even have health insurance which is to say that if I get hurt I’m screwed, but if I die, she benefits), I told the insurance agent that I wanted to cancel the insurance. She responded, “Well, you’re not the person who is paying for your policy”, and I’m all, “Are you telling me that anybody can take out life insurance on you without your approval as long as they’re related to you?”
PK told me she got a great deal on the life insurance on me.
8.26 Wait a second. How much of my time DO I spend masturbating?
So Rodgey had kinda tackled Adrian and was holding her down and Josh asked, “Rodge, what are you doing, and Ole Nooger responds, “I’m dominating her.”
Bro, on the subject of people who alter themselves to match their current company, “I feel sorry for someone who changes that rapidly. Reminds me of a young man I know… one that I’m not allowed to make fun of.”
8.27 Hey, remember the song, “Smoke is no joke” as taught to us by the Officer Moore of the Truth or Dare Program?
8.28 Rodgey, on the subject of Mark’s supposed new relationship with PK, “I think he’s just thinkin about givin’ her one of the boys if she’ll just leave the other one alone.
So Bro and I took a trip to Kansas City to buy toys. Transformers, to be specific. I bought some Chipawater that lasted the entire way, and I referenced it continually.
So we got REALLY LOST in the Kansas City area. And I’m all, “I have NO idea where we’re at right now. You could totally kick me outta the truck and I wouldn’t e able to find my way home to tell on you.”
Bro – What would I hafta do to get me some Chloe? A coupla dates? A little smoochie? … touch her hiney?
Dan’l – Retarded Mary, from high school, there was something sexual about that retard. I mean, you could never tell when she might lift her skirt and give ya an eye-full.
The Confession, By Joshua Newell: I was super horny, we were in a Sunday School room at church at night playing hide ‘n go seek in the dark. All of us were in the room – you, Justin Rahn, Emily Kristec, maybe a Klier or two, somebody had turned the lights out, there wasn’t a horny Aldrige girl around, so I get right up close to Emily, I was super horny, Emily was a huge A, not a tit on ‘er, what the heck amd I don’? I dropped my pants and started laying with myself right a couple of feet away from her. It was so risky, I don’t know what I was thinkin’. What if somebody turned on the lights, or somebody opened the door? I woulda been kicked outta church and more. Idiot!
Jason and Josh came home the other night and Rodgey was washing his clothes in a bucket. And Jason says, “You’re dad’s a true hobo, isn’t he?”
Pk offers to wash my clothes for me everytime she comes over and sees my great pile of dirty clothes and she’ll be all, “Can I take your dirties?” and as I recall the years of having clothes come out from her washing smelling like acrid buttcrotch, and people in High School saying, “Man, your clothes smell awful.” The constant, “Laundry left out too long smell”. All I can think is, “No, I don’t want my clothes to smell like Funk and Wagnal’s.”
Now, an apology card I bought Josh last week:
I’d just give about anything
to take back those careless words I aid
and make things right between us again.
I want you to know
that what came out when I was upset
does not reflect the true way
I feel about you. About us.
The real truth is, you mean the world to me.
You’re the kind of person
I’ve always hoped for. Looked for.
And dreamed about…
The kind of person I want to love
for a long, long time.
That’s why I’ve made a vow to myself
not to act like that anymore…
not to be the careless fool
who says things that cause hurt
I hope that you will find it in your heart
to forgive me.
Or at least give me another chance.
Sometimes I say things that I don’t mean. And I just want to take all that back. After you got the new job five night a week, I went around saying “my brother – the whore…” or “Do you know my whore brother who works five nights a week?” and so on. But I didn’t mean any of that. And Bro, I just want you to know that I’m ready to take this to the next level. I mean, you like me, I like you, so who cares what anyone else thinks. We have little time on this Earth and then poof, it goes out like so much inappropriate gas in public. Bro, let’s not let any more time pass. Why should we fight about the small stuff, like you spitting on my already dirty jeans that Abbey will probably get on to me about. Bro, all I want to do is touch your face, your hot, Patrick Swayze-esque face. That’s all. I feel like I havent seen you in so long, when I know we just played quite a bit of Mariocart just yesterday. And Bro, I hope you dance. While we’re away from one another, know that I’m sending you hugs on the wind, butterfly kisses, Truly Madly Deeply on the radio, angel kisses, Big Gay Bearhugs, and tender, sweet kisses. Bro, I want to take back everything I said and more. I want to take back things I thought of and didn’t say, I want to take back things I didn’t think because I didn’t have time to think of them. I want to wrap the world up in a bow and give it to you in the rear. I’m glad I found just the right card to express exactly what I was feeling at the time. Bro, we can’t let things like Abbey, and our heterosexual preferences get in the way of our love. Every time I call you a slut, I feel like I’m the slut and that I’m wrong to call you a Skanky Ho. It’s a lie. Because I’m the Skanky Ho. I am. And how big were that chick’s boobs the other night? Anyways, what I’m saying is that I think we have something really special here. Something worth urine-fighting for. Something worth urine-dying for. And all that other stuff, that stuff about you being a hairy slut, that doesn’t matter, because we have all we need right here, in our hearts. And if you feel the way I do, and I hope you do, then don’t hold it in. And in the morning, when we rise, we’ll sing a perfect lullaby. Man I cant believe Mark destroyed that notebook. That really ticks me off. And Bro, we should be together. And I’m sending you champagne wishes and caviar dream… Ridin’ dirty. What the hell was I doin’ talking to those Yankees? Where, where did I get this cigarette? Who lit it? Brogurt, for reals, I appreciate you singing.
8.29 Josh started to make fun of me on the way up to KC and I had to put my foot down, saying, “Bro, I am not Jason and I will not put up with you making fun of me.”
Ok, Steve got fired from the police department for missing too much work and they say that this was done with no warning, which isn’t right. Well, I’ll tell ya, there were some warning signs. When I used to live with him, Steve stayed home from work every other day. And he’d be in the computer room looking at women when I should have been doing that.
Ok, my car won’t start, and when I turn the ignition, it makes this cow-like sound, “Maahhh”.
Rodgey says that Family night really means the other family than him night. Because he gets excluded..
My doctor has this great new “Get Fat Quick” scheme for me, because of my flammable tendon in my knee. It is basically, that I cant get any aerobic exercise for three weeks. Phenomenal.
On Leann’s voicemail: ”Leann, I really wish you’d call me back soon. I’m very hungry and I don’t know what to eat and how much because you haven’t told me what I should eat based on my height, weight and charm. So I’m going to the grocery store, and I don’t know what to buy. I remember you eating yams, frozen strawberries, green tea, and that’s all. So I’ll probably buy something I shouldn’t and eat it, and then you’ll tell me it’s bad for me and I’ll hafta throw it up. Leann, I’m so hungry. I haven’t eaten in so long. I’m weak as a kitten. Seriously, one of the kittens at the big house tackled me outta nowhere.”
On Emily’s voicemail – Aye, Emilar. I know you’re set on naming your baby Kylie, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor and name him Bertrand, after my legendary obsession with one Bertrand Helm. I would seriously owe you bigtime if you did.
8.30 Another Confession of Josh Newell: “one time I was hanging out with this chick, I picked her up by har armpits, and then I smelled my hands, and they smelled like tasty crotch. I got me pretty horny.” Oh Josh. Oh Josh yes.
Bro – Have you read the book on Ninjas? It’s your kinda humor. It’ll make you crap out loud.
Bro invited me on a float trip:
Rodgey was watching the channel called Bravo, and they were tellin’ him to get his gay on.
9.1 Rodge, as Josh is about to leave for work, “As soon as Josh is out the door, we gotta let Adrian out, and then we turn off that air conditioner.”
Bro – Now that PK, she could make a huge wrap.
Rodgey, with a beer in one hand, and a piece of extra spicy beef jerky hanging out of his mouth, Do I look like Clint Eastwood like this? Go ahead punk, make me drunk.”
Dan’l – Rodge, I hate myself everyday for not wearing a helmet when I ride my moped – I’ll just wake up, hate myself for a minute, then just get on with my day.
Dan’l – Yeah, Josh knows a great deal about the mindset of his kind of woman.
Went to see Kent Shelton’s band last night (probably a Christian band) and I’m all, “Who do they list as their influences?”
Bro, “JLo stood at the bottom of Chick’n Rock as I tried to spit into his mouth from 16 feet up on the bluff. For 20 minutes he had his mouth open tryin’ to catch my loogies with his open mouth. He’s the disgusting one. He’s the one who ate my thrown up eggs that were still warm.
And now, the faux speech I wont give Abbey after she was fifteen minutes late the other day, “Abbey, I just don’t know anymore. You were 15 minutes late yesterday, you never gave me my birthday blowjob, there are crumbs in your bed from when I had a full meal there just now, sometimes you tell me I smell.”
To be relationship material, Josh, in his own words would hafta experience the following, “I would hafta have all my friends move away, or something really sad happen to me to wanna be in a long term relationship or get married.”
Leann – Josh, are you playing with yourself while talking to me?
9.4 A woman Rodge was once involved with extra-maritally once said to him, “I think you just like to put yourself in a big mess, because you think it’s fun to get out of it.”
9.6 Did you know that Josh keeps a pair of sweatpants on hand to put on after he lightly towels off post-shower to facilitate drying?
After the breakup/taking a break with Abbey, Dan’l – Abbey’s been going through a lot lately. She and I are taking a break, some time apart. And I’m going to hang out with her tonight. I mean, with losing me and all, I figure she needs me around more than ever.
That there is a classic Daniel moment, saying one thing, and then totally refuting it in the second half of the thought.
Hypothetically, after Rodgey told me to get PK drunk to get her to do what I want, this came to mind.
A continuation of the old “What’s Gay and What’s Not” discussion with Bro, “… alright, what if it’s a tranny having sex with a woman? Is that gay to watch?”
Since I disconnected my passenger and driver’s seat to do a transplant, then just bought a used driver’s seat at Bayless Auto Salvage I haven’t reconnected the front of my passenger seat, so when Leann got into my car I’m all, “Leann, that seat isn’t safe. I want you to sit facing backwards like you’re in a baby’s carseat.
Dan’l: “Man Leann, after I told you that Abbey and I are quitsville, I totally expected you to spread eagle on me the first time you saw me.”
Explaining the fact that my car is filled to the brim with random junkle, and how the passenger seat had to be cleared, I tell Leann, “Listen, my car is usually a one-man show, much like a lot of my best sexual experiences.”
Bro got up in front of Leann and walked by with his pants down in the back, and she got a browneyeful.
Rodge, on the subject of me and my helmetless moped riding, “Dan, without your hair and your good looks, you’d be, well, you’d be PK.
Rodge: “Dan, Mark and I discussed it and we decided that we’ll either hafta hire somebody to steal your moped, or I’ll hafta superglue this bicycle helmet to your head, and Mark wants me to do the latter.”
Bro, to a chick, “Hey, I was wanting to see if I could get your contact information.”
9.9 Great new Josh names that I greet him with on the phone: “Chief Slutty Bro”, “Chancellor Von Sluttingmeyer”.
I think that Jason Jolley, my old Spanish teacher, had to be thinking after I emailed him my infamous excuse letter, “Is this guy flirting with me?”
9.10 I had been feeling guilty about my not being part of the solution. So I’ve decided that for every blowjob I received I will donate $1.00 to finding a cure for prostate cancer.
Rodgey, on Joco’s girlfriend: “Oh, she’s a real good helper. What’s her name? Emily? Emelia? Adlepate?”
9.11 Pretty sure Josh called Rodge, “Furbeard” last night.
Rodgey – Dan, before you go, I need some help starting this truck up at Coastal. All you needah do is pump pump pump while I’m crankin’. Do you think you can handle that? To pump pump pump while I“m crakin’? All you hafta do is pump pump pump while I’m crankin.
PK, suspiciously once more – “I went over to Peewee’s and Ilene’s and Ilene said that Roger’s buying stuff over the internet?”
9.12 And now, an interview with James Woodland.
9.13 (on the group, which included PK, who took and then sold some of his cattle during the divorce)
Rodgey, on having to take care of so many people, “What about me? I’ve got this old lady widow woman up near Buffalo I gotta give a trailer to, and I”ve got thses big fat Dogpatch people and they’re needy and they’ve got a lot of needy things.”
Greg Campbell – Yeah, I need a bike to get around.
Watching Prison Break, an attractive 15-year old appeared in a scene:
9.14 Bro, talking to Salina about why Abbey and I didn’t go to Kansas City. Salina says that I should have came out and told Abbey I wanted to go more. And Bro responds, “Dan’s not really allowed to stand up for himself or he’ll get in trouble with Abbey.”
I gotta remember to get an understudy, just in case I can’t perform at any time.
Chick he was on a date with told Josh, “You need to get out of your Willard Box.”
I’ve been called a notorious flirt.
People have been remarking on how impressionable I am. And I’m all, “Oh yeah, I’m super absorbent.”
Dan’l, at Dillons deli, “Can I get two pounds of your most exciting ham?”
Thing about me on my moped is that I never gave into the fad of helmet–wearing.
9.16 Dan’l, to James Woodland, “Woodland, why didn’t you ever try to seduce me?”
Call me the Devil, but I think that when Lucas tore his other ACL, part of him might have been thinking , “Whew, now I don’t ever have to think about working out again or ever play strenuous team sports. Thank goodness.”
It would seem that Angie, of MarknAngie, is no longer allowed to have or use superglue, ever since she glued her finger to her eyelid one time.
It was apparent to me when I opened my office door three times to the sign of Greg Campbell standing there looking as aloof as possible that I had a Greg Campbell issue of great consequence. So I called Rodge and I’m all whispery, “Alright Rodge, I got a serious case of Greg Campbell.”
9.17 Something that give me a lot of satisfaction is how after Josh sneakily grabbed my phone and memorized Abbey’s phone number so he could call her at his leisure, I detained his phone without his knowledge, completely erased Abbey’s number, and then waited a coupla weeks (when Josh would have forgotten the number) and told him what I’d done.
9.18 Dan’l – Bro, I’m thinkin about takin’ it down to Big House town. Movin’ on in. We’ll put the two golden chairs next to each other in the rec room, and we’ll get bunk beds. Ones that crisscross each other.
Dan’l – I may hafta kill Greg Campbell… If I was to have been visited by a late night caller last night, and I was told that I would be visited seven times today by the ghost of Greg Campbell present today, I wouldn’t have believed it, I would have been wrong.
9.19 I tear up every time I ride my moped. It’s just so beautiful. I get so emotional. …and also the wind, it makes my eyes water.
I notice the smell of PK in my apartment today. I traced it to my trash can and found that it’s the smell of rotting.
9.20 to Bro, Dan’l – Ok, now PK doesn’t just want to rub your face. Her newest thing is that she wants to rub your and Mark’s faces together. .. When did I just start making up stuff that PK said?
That Erin Sutton, she could run really fast, and she got away.
As of July 31, 2006, my office computer no longer had any active virus protection. And with all the nasty, freaky porn I look at on a regular basis, it’s like I’ve been having unprotected sex with my computer for 2 months.
Yesterday, after lying to me about having sandwich material in his fridge so that I would stay longer (I was hungry and needed to rush home before class to eat a sandwich, unless I could make one there, which he said I could. Flatout lie.) BroJosh smacked my head with a yogurt lid caked in yogurt as I was unaware.
Greg Campbell just won’t stop coming to my house, knocking on my apartment door, then my office door, then my apartment door, then my office door. And if he’s not here, you can bet he’s at the Big House, standing in the driveway with a vacant expression on his face. And several times a day Rodgey and I will call each other and say in a whisper, “Dan (or Rodge) I don’t have much time to talk. Greg Campbell is standing outside my door knocking. And he won’t go away. I’m trapped. He’s got all exits blocked.
Man, I’ve got to go to Lucas’ 25th Annual Birthday Party Friday Night.
9.22 PK – “You know what “Publisher’s House Win A Million Dollars”? Well, I got mail from them one time, and I kept tellin’ your dad what I was gonna do with that money and it drove him crazy. He couldn’t stand it.”
I think that the movie “The Last Kiss” really casts cheating on your partner in a negative light. I mean, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. He cheated one time and got caught. It was so unrealistic.
PK – “Dave and I were playing cards, and I beat.”
Dan’l – I’m not anorexic, I’m just on a hunger strike until my body is as lean as I want it to be.
Dan’l – Lucas, Abbey’s not going to be able to come to your birthday party. And imagine my shagrin. Imagine that huge shagrin on my face.
So Steve caught me trying to cheat on him. He got word that I applied for the Teaching Assistantship for next semester
9.24 Bro, annoyed at me for smiling after I beat him in pitch, “I’d like to snot on myself and throw it on you”
Bro, on Rodgey’s room, covered in newspaper, trash and dirty clothes, “Why does he live like this? He’s like a real life hobo.
Guys with abnormally large big butts annoy me. Like dwarves, and Ryan Hampton from high school, it’s like, what, are you tryin’ to get me to look at your butt? Yeah, I’m not gay.
Hey, where’s your juggler at in your neck? Is it in the front in your throat?
9.26 Gary Vass, of the Super Scooter Shop, answers all his business calls, “Good Morning may I help you please?”
PK – I’m dropping the mail off here at school, and I got a coupla things to deliver, I gotta pee, and then I’ll be on my way.
Dan’l – Alright Bro, you gotta choose: incurable STD, or getting a girl pregnant. When asked whether he would choose Herpes or getting a girl he didn’t like pregnant, Josh went for the herpes. Surprising.
7.27 Leann – Daniel, you’ve always been a bad listener, and an even worse care-er.
Mailbox at the Big House reads: “4030 W. Nichlos”.
9.29 Kenny McCoy – Danew, somebody shit in my apartment… I didn’t know if it’s dog shit or people shit, but I stepped in it. And Kenny says that everyone at work calls him Pop. He says it’s his street name.
Chloe – Daniel, you were acting really weird, and I kept thinking, “Does he know who I am?”
Rodge – Dan, have you ever told a girl, “Show me your goodies”?
9.30 So anyways this chick started grabbing my penis and I didn’t even hafta kiss her. All I could think was this is hot this is HOTT HOTT HOTT. And I didn’t hafta invest anything but a little time… and I hadta clean my buttcrotch.
What does Rodgey intend to do with those 60-70 thousand tires in the valley out at our farm in Boaz?
10.2 Heather Slater – Yeah, the woman who babysat me when I was little died.
So I had myself a fake wedding band made. This way everyone will think I’m straight.
Jason Monroe – This is just SO situation comedy.
10.4 Abbey went to Oregon and slept with this guy who has a live-in boyfriend. So Abbey and I are finally done. I guess it was bound to happen. I’m just not her type. I mean, I don’t have sex with guys, and that’s what she looks for in a guy.
10.5 So I was wearing my fake wedding ring at Bro’s bar Bugsy Malone’s and this roommate chick of a girl I made out with last week, and the roommate is all, “You’re married! How awful! I’m telling my roommate.” And I responded, “No no, I’m not married, I just wear this to be funny.”
Rodge, while watching Adrian the dog lying on the floor – Aderan reminds me of PK, with her big brown eyes, and her big floppy ears, and her dishwashing skills.
So, when Abbey had sex with her bisexual manfriend, I don’t understand, I mean, did she strap it on and do him?
Classic PK moment, finding my dream-catchers by my bed, and not knowing how disgusting they were, carrying a pile of them downstairs saying, “Dan I found where all your socks were. They were under your bed. That’s why you don’t have any socks. I found all these socks by your bed.”
Hey where does the mall get off closing at 9pm when everybody else has to stay open until 10 or 11? Thinking no one’s going to get onto them. Well I am. Shame on you, Battlefield Mall.
10.6 So Rodgey has a new dog, named Little Shorty. The dog is a dachtsun from Dogpatch, and he looks like a shrunken version of Adrian, with his black body and brown muzzle. And now everything Rodgey says or does has to do with Little Shorty. Rodgey, “Dan, if we leave, we gotta take little Shorty with us. I’m gonna give Little Shorty to George. I think Little Shorty likes Adrian.”
After the Big House was down on Abbey, I say, “Rodge, Abbey is a very good man” (Which is a parody of a quote from PK about PeeWee after the latter let her borrow a car) and Rodge responded: “Dan, PeeWee is a very good groundhog.”
Rodge – now, if a woman ever tells you that she’s more in love than ever before, you gotta watch that, like PK said that right before she filed for divorce, because she might be talking about being in love with someone else.
Rodge – ”You, me and Little Shorty better go see Mark.”
10.7 The thing about that Abbey Shoultz was that I got so fond of fondling her.
So since Tony moved outta the Big House, does that mean that I’ll never hafta hear him call Rodgey “PaPa” again? Good.
Is it wrong of me to masturbate thinking about Abbey cheatin’ on me?
10.9 Adrian got sprayed in the face by a skunk upon attacking said skunk. She has smelled awful for 2 weeks which has inspired me to paint a white stripe down her back aso she can be a skunk for Halloween.
Rodge – “And PK needs to remember, that I wanted to give her half a grain-fed steer as part of her settlement.”
Bro, looking at Rodgey’s camel-toe – Hey that’ Bro-toe is looking pretty nice.
Rodgey’s old Rhyme – Wild and wolly and fulla fleas, never ben curried below the nees.
Be careful, the Daniel you are about to enjoy may be extremely hot.
Yesterday I was looking at myself in my car’s rearview mirror, as usual, and the revelation hit me so hard that it came out vocally, “My God. I’m adorable.”
10.12 Rodgey, trying to feed Little Shorty some bread, “Shorty doesn’t wanna eat this bread, he just wants to lick his own penis. That reminds me of Dan. Why does that remind me of Dan?”
Dan’l, carrying a piece of furniture with Rodge, “Rodge, are you just as bad of a carrier as I am?”
Rodgey – Well Dan, Mark’s havin’ some crisis too… what’s his wife’s name? Evelyn? Well, she wont do what I want.
Seems like every time I talk to Josh, all I can talk about are people whose mere mention annoys him, like Greg Campbell, JMac, PK, Jason, JohnnyGold.
10.14 Back in High School, at any social get-together that involved a pool, you hafta be on the lookout for the deadly and illusive Buttfish, which was one person or another yelling, “Look, Buttfish!” and pointing as they plunged their upper body into the water, pulled their pants down and their rear end crested like a whale tail.
So I was telling Bro how PK used to always say she wanted to see him so bad she’d kidnap him, but she’d hafta tie him up ballgag him so he couldn’t hurt her, spit on her, or say mean things. And I’m all, “Yeah, but even if she had ya aall-gagged, you could still blow snot on her.”
Another suspicious PK question, asked in a whisper, with squinted eyes looking side to side, “Do Roger and Mark have a roll-off that looks just like the old one only newer?”
PK – “I saw Roger and it looked like he’d gotten an awful haircut.”
Somebody’s placed two ceramic frogs in the Hall of my apartment house. I think that means I’m experiencing one of the plagues. Is God mad at me?
10.15 Bro, pointing out women to me in his bar, “The chunky one with the Big Giant real tits allegedly gives the best blow jobs in Springfield.”
Bro and I, talking about Justin Rahn:
Having a conversation with Bro:
Bro was scratching himself, and I saw his gigantic man-muff and I’m all, “Ooo, someone’s growing a nice winter beard in his pants, Bro.”
Dan’l – I mean, I’d never rat on another guy, unless it would help me get a chick.
Bro, on being seen as an ogre with no feelings – If I’m going out with a chick and she ends it, or breaks up with me, nobody ever wonders how Josh is doing. I hope he’s ok. Nobody ever calls, nobody ever wonders that about me.
After I kinda set him up for a funny interlude, Bro at RibCrib, “I got a call-in order for Rumplestiltskin.”
Bro was really dawdling , moving slow while I was in a hurry, and I’m all, “Bro, look at ya. Yer over here pussyfartin’ around.”
Bro, on how awful I am, “I mean, I’m a bad person. Well, not as bad as you, but pretty bad.”
10.17 Aye, remember this summer where Kelly J would always be talking about her body butter and how she had to put it on before every time she swam and that she was always running out of Body Butter?
Bro, Freudian slipping into what he really wants, “Who am I gonna get to move into the Big House? Chris Hood won’t move into me… er… with me.”
Dan’l – Bro, why don’t you go ahead and be a good slut and make me a sandwich?
10.18 Allison, being partially honest and partially complimentary, “how do you wear condoms?”
Allison – “Do you want to come on me?” That is such a nice question to hear someone ask.
10.19 I had a friend named Vasilli, from Russia. I just called him Silly for short.
10.21 Bro, obviously distraught, “Adrian, are you drinkin’ outta the toilet? I forgot to flush! Oh, dangit. There’s some poopy in there!”
After I told Bro that he and Jason, who he’s estranged himself from, have certain things in common, he says, I’m a poop-in-your-hand, throw it at somebody’s face kinda disgusting. Jason’s more of a “let your first cousin go down on you” kinda disgusting.
Dan’l, pulling up to Pumpkin Patch outside the Methodist Church on Campbell, as the woman working it is closing down the patch:
Every day for me is like a scavenger hunt, and the list of things to get consists of whatever I want to do or have that day.
10.22 Do I needah put Allison on the list of girls I’ve kissed if she’s only licked my butthole?
10.23 Old Brosephina was impressed that I know every word to Bryan Adams “Ever Loved a Woman” and I’m all, “Bro, you gotta understand I was inside of 30 minutes of continuous love songs from age 12 to 18.”
Hypothetically, “Abbey, what if I started having sex with guys, would you like me then?”
Saturday night, hanging out with Allison, all I kept thinkin’ was, “Oh man, is she gonna start lickin’ my butthole again? And my anus got a little wet with anticipation.
10.26 After I told Rodge that I hadta go home and go to bed, he’s all, “You sleep here. Dan, Dan, you lay down beside me. You lay down beside me, but only in friendship.”
1027 Hello, may I speak to someone in the office of the Provolone?
10.28 PK – Sonny, I wanna make you a lew bitty Baseball Bat. I just wanna make you a lew biddy baseball bat. With bumpity bumps on it.
Dan’l – Why do I need a little bitty baseball bat?
Pk – Oh, I just think you need one. I wanna make you one. I wannah make you sumtin’. I make you a lew biddy one outta real cherry would.
Dan’l – But I don’t need a bat. I have two bats.
PK – Well I”ll make you a table then. A liddle table. I have this lathe and I wah use it. I wah make you a table or a lew biddy baseball bat with bumpybumps on it.
Abbey, on first meeting me: “Wow, he’s really cute. I wish he wouldn’t talk so much.”
10.30 Rodge and I were considerably far behind playing pitch vs. Mark ‘n Josh, because of my excessive bidding, and Ole Rodge says, “Now we gotta pull ourselves up by our bra straps!”
Bro caught Rodgey pronouncing the word “Chevrolet” like it was “shivilay.”
Rodgey – Playing Texas Hold’em in Western Oklahoma near the Texas border, I beat this black rancher out of a huge pot.
Dan’l – Isnt the better word for a black ranch a plantation.
Rodge, on going to use the restroom: “I gotta go sit and clear my mind.”
After Rodge flashed his genitals at me frot the brazillianth time, I asked him, “Rodge, what kind of gratification do you get from exposing yourself to me?”
Rodgey – “Just the disturbed look on your race is thanks enough.”
Rodgey, with his West Virginia/Ohia Valley accent, pronounces the word “Beagle” like it’s “Biggle” and “Eagle” is “Iggle”.
So I did it again. A woman on the square asked the group I was with if we knew the phone number for the cab company, and I drime in, “Yeah, it’s 865-7500,” which is my office number. And once more, hilarity ensued.
Talking to Bro, Dan’l – When didju stop worrying about if girls were attractive enough for you to get involved with?
Bro – To date, or to fool around with?
Dan’l – To date and fool around with.
Bro – That’s two different things.
Hunter was suffering and coughing, and I asked him, “Are you getting’ sick?” and he responded, “Yeah, I’ve got alittle coffee throat.”
Me, on moving into the Big House:
Dan’l – Rodge, I’ve already started moving some of my traffic signs in to my Joco room upstairs.
Rodey – No Dan. You can’t.
Dan’l –Rodge, I cant change that. If I could go back and change what I’m about to do, and not move into the Big House, I would. But I can’t. I can’t change that.
Rodge was spooning me, and threw a leg over my midsection and I’m all, “Rodge, we can’t. We can’t have sexual relations. Not that there would be anything wrong wit that. But we can’t.”
10.31 Ok so, lemme get this straight. Did my BroBro inadvertently make out with a tranny down in New Orleans when he was drunk? And did said tranny make Josh take notice of his trannyhood by the slight bulge that Josh felt pressed against him?
Welp, Abbey broke up with me, and now I’m bringin’ skanky back.
Rodge – I’m worried about Lucky (his new dog). He seems to be sexually confused. He was out there at Mark’s, humpin’ Mark’s cat. And the cat seemed to be enjoyin’ it too much.
11.2 PK – “Well you know, Mom’s doin’ my hair tomar, and then I gotta go bowlin’, you know, I’m a pretty big bowler. Y’know yer ole Mom is a big bowler.”
Dan’l, pointing out a new plant in the Big House) – What about that plant, what’s with that?
Rodge – We’re gonna wait until it gets big enough, then we’re gonna butcher it.
At the DMV, Dan’l – I think it’s really unfair that they only hired really attractive women to work here.
I think it’s about time for me to be legally tender with some local chick.
Going to the DMV, to get my nondriver’s license, “I just wanna make it legal for me not to drive. I hate to drive, and I don’t want anyone to be able to force me to.”
11.4 Ty – There was this guy at the gym, and he introduced himself to me, and it was really weird. And I’m not sure if he was gay or if he was Asian.
So now, I”ve got a parody of Ryan Long’s phone greeting, “Go ahead caller”, which is, “Go ahead, koala”.
11.5 The Big House, that’s where I get to pee outside. But why am I always worried about a sniper shooting the tip of my penis off while I do this?
11.7 Hello, my name is Nedward Hopnskotch, and I’m 25 years old and I’ve been gainfully employed as a spectator for 5 years.
Voting! At Asbury Methodist Church:
Attendant: Sir, are you next?
Dan’l – Oh, I’m sorry. I’m here to worship god. Am I in the wrong line?
(and then after voting…)
Dan’l – I just rocked the vote.
Attendant – When did you do that?
Dan’l – Just now. You just saw me rock it.
Oh, I’m a bit of a smuggler and thief.
Ooo, I think I’ll opt for the mystery death.
Hunter, watch Lucky the Dog hump Chelsea the Cat: “Look! They’re playing piggy back!”
11.8 Talking about how Josh had an experience with 2 men, who were medical workers, who doctored his rear, and one of which was gay. Mark and Bro:
Mark – Josh let a gay man cut on his butt.
Bro – Uh, I think the gay one was holdin’ me open.
Mark, Josh and I lookin’ at a picture of PK wearing a t-shirt that says “Naughty”.
Dan’l – Ooo. She’s naughty.
Mark – I bet she’s got underwear that says “Juicy” or somethin’.
Bro, listening to summa my folk chick music: “Who is this? Sussy Bogus?”
Bro – “In the women’s restroom at Bugsy’s, cleanin’ out the trashcan, I found these women’s under that had a skid on them about an inch wide and three inches long, and they said “yummy” or somethin’ on the front. Then I smelt ‘em for 6 bucks.”
Mark is always preaching about how people should live below their means, and what Bro and I do, with the women, is date below our means. We date women who are far less attractive than we are. It is good to do so.
Bro, to me – “You were slutty when slutty wasn’t cool.”
Rodgey – Dan, if Josh finds out what we’ve been doin’, he’s gonna fly into a Murder-Us Rage.”
Bro sneezes on the playing cards and hands them to me to deal.
Bro – Why do I do these things?
Dan’l – You’re gay.
Bro – If I was gay, I’d hold you down and put it in your butt.
Mark said he always wanted Josh to buy and wear a pair of women’s sweatpants that say “tasty” on the butt.
Here I am, payin’ my taxes, payin’ my dues, payin’ attention, payin’ by the rules, tryin to support my local everybody.
11.11 Tyler – I was talking to Lucas the other day, and since he got a LExas, I was calling him Lexas Lucas. And then I started calling him “LexLoser.”
Mark Barger – Hey man, I was just calling you to see if you’re downtown, because I’m downtown and I figured that you probably were too, because you’re quite the PoonHound. Yer prolly lookin’ for stray poon. I know I am.
At the movie theater, returning to the back row to sit by Leann after I informed worker Holly B. that the sound wasn’t loud enough, walking up to 2 random people in 2 random seats, “Oh, I’m sorry you guys, I was sitting in those two seats” and they actually started to get up.
Hello, my name is Dan’l and I’m a rule-breaker. I specialize in theft, in deceit, and in butts and cuts and coconuts.
PK used the phrase “cool beans” two times in a phone conversation with me yesterday. Unacceptable.
11.12 Rodge – Dan, we gotta move to Oklahoma. What’s their nickname, the Sooners? Well it should be called “The Monster Goat State”. Because they have huge goats there, bigger than you’ve ever seen. Nothing like the goats we have here. Monster goats – I’ve seen them with my own eye.
Rodge – Dan, you can’t sleep. I had that problem with my gambling work in Miami at the Indian Casino. Gambling was on my mind, I couldn’t sleep, I was 100% job committed.
Dan’l – Bro, the Colbert Report is hilarious, you’d understand it more if you listened enough to political pundits.
Bro – Well, I hang out with YOU a lot. Does that count?
A tenant came in the other day asking if I had a little bitty table she could have. Huh.
On our way to Kiojin for the all-you-can-eatness of their Hibachi, I say to Bro, “And Bro, as a treat for you, I”ll pay for my own dinner tonight.”
Bro’s fortune cookie last night, “You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.”
After Mark and he spent some time bailing hay at Deer Lake Golf Course, Hunter was ready to play a few rounds of goof with some goof-balls.
When I got to the Big House, I found a pair of Rodgeys’ pre-worn long underwear hangin on the fence, and I brought them in with me and said to him, “Rodge, I brought your rich chocolate underwear.”
11.13 I’m a slut. I’ve been using for BroBro and his Big House – I been using the Big House like a discount store for all my one-stop shopping needs.
Abbey, I swear by the blood of your vagina that I would never cheat on you again…
11.14 Bro has been sayin’, “Oh bless her heart” a lot lately in reference to unattractive women.
11.15 Along the lines of Rodgey’s famous mispronunciations of words with long “e” sounds, like “Igle” and “Bigle”, comes, “That wasn’t very liggle” instead of “legal”.
Bro – So I got to go to Harpo’s the other night. I’m sitting with these folks and this chick comes over, and she’s sittin’ on my lap and she says, “I’m a good girl”. Any girl who says she’s a good girl is NOT a good girl.
Bro, talking about the world, the way things work, “Part of me wants to make a difference. Uht. Please don’t write that in your book.”
Me on BroJosh, “Yer good Bro, yer alright. If you were a woman I’d marry ya, I don’t care if you’d be my sister or not.”
So, on the thumbnail porn sites, there’s one called “Chicas Coyote”. What ever does that mean?
11.16 Dang, I look good. This thousand calorie a day diet is really working well. I look fabulous like a holocaust survivor.
Talking to Chloe about getting close to Gay Larry in order to put myself in a position to learn more about Polly so I can get her, “Now listen, Larry wants to see me naked, and if that’s what I hafta do to get close to her. I don’t care. And sure, he might want to put his fingers inside me, and that’s fine as long as it helps me win her. I think it would be gay not to let him do that if it meant I’d have a better chance with her.”
Gay Larry just described me as the laid-back type, the kind who really just wants to blend in with the crowd.
Danl, talking to James Woodland: “Ok, in the world of homosexual gentlemen, what is 3rd base?”
11.17 Somebody mentioned wanting to go to St. Louis the other day, but I was quick to correct them, explaining that I think they changed their name to Panera.
I’m going to Arkansas tomorrow, and I just asked Abbey if she could feed her kitties while I’m gone.
Two sorority chicks running a table on campus to raise money for the deaf and speech impaired:
Chick – Hey, any spare change to give to the deaf and speech impaired?
Dan’l – Hey! You don’t SOUND like you’re deaf. Don’t you guys usually talk in that delightful monotone?
Chick – Well I’m not deaf. I’m just trying to raise money.
Dan’l – Not deaf, huh? Well you shouldn’t pretend to be either. Listen, I used to pretend I had a mental disability. And now I feel really bad about it. The guilt will come for you, too. And it’ll be good.
Chick – No, we’re just raising money for them.
Dan’l – What’d you say?
Chick – We’re raising money for deaf people.
Dan’l – Im sorry. I can’t hear you… Hey why don’t they call it Deaf and Dumb anymore? Here, you’ve been great, I’ll give you a coupla bucks. Now, each of these dudes with their picture on these buckets where the money goes is deaf?
Chick – No, you can give money to the deaf in someone’s bucket to help their total amount. They are with different fraternities.
Dan’l – So the money isn’t even going to deaf kids? That’s quite a scam you’ve got here.
Chick – No, no. These aren’t the deaf kids.
Dan’l – I wanna put my money in the bucket of a cute deaf guy. None of these deaf guys are cute.
Well, look what the cat drugged and took home and raped to perfection.
11.18 Dan’l, at being inappropriate with James Woodland at the All-College Meeting, “Yep, when I first met you, I knew there was something different about you. You don’t ACT gay. And I think I figured out what it is – you’re retired, you’re a retired homosexual person. That’s why I didn’t get the homosexual vibe from you initially, I just thought you spoke and acted very properly.
So I asked Abbey if she’d thought of physically hurting me after she found out that I’d made a great sport of cheating on her over the past few years, and she said, “No, not really. Well if I did do something to you, I’d probably try to ruin your face or your crotch.”
Dan’l – But those are my favorite two places in that order!
Abbey – Yep.
and so today, going over to Abbey’s to visit her, I say on the phone, “Abbey, I’m comin’ over and I’m gonna let you do something of your choice to my ace and my crotch”. And looking back, I guess what she really wanted to do to my crotch is to rub it really hard on her own crotch, and what she wanted to do to my face was let me put it between her cheeks and I licked her crack. Huh. Interesting.
Back in time: At Nay and BigSteve’s House, I’m walking down the hall after just getting up, I pass the computer room and Steve calls me in there saying, “Hey Dan, how do you think your sister would feel about me looking at this?” and shows me the pictures he’s looking at of women in bikinis. Nice and awkward.
Mark – Sometimes lately I”ll look at women, and I just see them as weak men.
Dan’l – Yeah mark. Weak, sexy men.
If I was to start a practice as an amateur gynecologist, I’d have standards about only taking hot women, like have a sign like on a carnival ride, “You must be this tall to ride the ride”, only my sign would say, “You must be this attractive to come to me as your gyno”.
Danl- You know, I could kill all my tenants and nobody would know about it.
Harvey – Well, somebody has to kill them.
What I don’t like about lesbianism, is that it makes me feel like I’m being phased out, like I’m obsolete, and going the way of the dinoraur. All they need is the sperm bank, not me.
Rodgey – No, dan, you and Josh have tota stop wasting your money filling Adrian with bologna, because it’s affecting me mentally. It affects me mentally.
Rodge – Dan, if you drive a motorcycle you’re gonna need to bundle up. And Tom wants $50 for his foul weather gear. You needa get that foul weather gear.
Dan’l – So I licked Abbey’s crack last night.
Tyler – Butt crack, or front crack?
So driving to Arkansas, I saw a sign that read, “Quarter Horses” and I got to wondering, what other kind of animal comprises the other ¾ of this beast? Or, are they just parting their horses out?
So as I drove to Bro’s truck to Arkansas, he had to drive my car all around town, and experience the stages of my suffering, and I asked him, “Bro, didju hear my speedometer cable rattling down the center of the car, “Stikilapackinapattitacipa”? Like Bambi, our old Pomeranian, when she was mad?
Driving Bro’s truck, I imagine this is yogurt on the steering wheel. Well I hope it’s yogurt.
So I thought I’d taken a wrong turn, and the only thing that made me know I was going the right way was the sign for Crowder College, and then that made me think of Jason Steele, because he went there, and that made me think that I could really go for a massage in Junior High right about now.
So as I was travling south my ears started poppin’. And I thought, well, that makes sense because the altitude is changing because I’m travling lower down on the map.
Every adult video I passed on the way down to Arkansas, made me think, “Oh, is that gonna be the last one? Should I stop here because I wont get another chance?”
Rodgey, looking at Adrian, “I’m thinking about breeding her – to a wolf. Then we’d have a RotWolf, or a Wolfweiler.”
Dan’l – Newelly, I think whenever I call your cell phone, there’s a 75% chance that you’re urinating when I call you.
Rodgey – Well I’m either urinating or I’m driving past the Halltown exit. Or I’m doing both.
Danl asking bro to borrow his truck, “Bro I needa borrow your truck and yer nine.” (his pistol)
My dad my very well be Santa Clause.
So after BroBro let me drive his truck to Arkansas I filled it up on the way down and when I got back into Springfield, I cleaned all of the trash out of it, and I locked it up and put the keys to it in the Big House. Where I’d got ‘em. I got to my car, which he’d been driving, and I find both doors unlocked, my driver’s side window partly down, and the keys left in the ignition with all kind of steal-ables in the car. So I go to drive it to the gas station, because it hadn’t been replenished at all, and it runs out of gas several blocks from the station, so I walk in the bitter cold and buy a gas can, a knit cap, some gloves, and gas, and then I go home and finally get to sleep around 2:45am. At 3am, BroBro comes a knockin’ at my window and that keeps me up for a few hours and I hafta take pills to go back to sleep, when he knows I have sleep issues. Nice.
11.20 Hunter, I just want to be a bad influence on you. I wanna be that uncle that your parents are hesitant to let you see. I’ve always wanted to be that Uncle. Hunter, will you let me be that bad influence?
Oh, and also, about my car, the key in the ignition was let in the “on” position, thereby draining the battery. Thank goodness it didn’t get drained all the way, so that I could start it and drive halfway to the gas station and walk the rest of the way in the gold. Thank goodness.
Dang. I actually had Abbey convinced that I was gonna get testicle implants, to make my balls look as big as I want ‘em.
After our local Mark McGuire had a vasectomy, Bro Josh asked Bro Mark, “So, is his sack just empty now?” To which Mark replied, “No, Josh”. And then paused, thinking of the potential, and said “Yeah, they’re empty now.”
So did Bimbo Bob really have a hot daughter?
Mark – You don’t watch America’s Funniest Home Videos? You, with all your humor? It’s the purest form of humor. I cant get over this. The crotch wacking, you don’t think that’s funny?
Yeah, I been givin’ Connor blue balls for years. At each birthday and Christmas, I bring him over another blue colored ball.
As I try to squirm out from under a jacket Rodge is attempting to wrap me in, he objects to my squirming, saying, “No – Dan, I’m putting the love on you.”
Another GREAT MOMENT IN PK: Ditty bag. I think Rodge ends up ending each day with a detailed reflection on the many good times he had with PK, his GREAT MOMENT IN PK…’S CROTCH.
In the winter time, Rodge grows a full beard out that is all grey except for a spot of all-yellowish green on his moustache.
“Bro, I went to put gas in my car and man, it sure was thirsty today.”
Mark, I bought Hunter and Connor some presents, and Sonny, I wanna see my grandbabies, er, nephews.
To Josh – Bro, didju sit right down in my car and find all that rear view mirrors were pointed directly back at your face?
In Arkansas with Tyler, a woman and three kids were shopping very close to us in Target.
Dan’l – Uh, eeeee. Um, I’m sorry, I’m just, I just don’t like to get so close to children. I’m sort of really afraid of them.
Chick – Because you’re afraid of getting sick?
Dan’l – No, it’s not that. It’s more of a phobia. Like with spiders or something. Like what if they bite me.
Woman – Oh, well, thse two older ones wont bite, and this little one will, but she doesn’t have any teeth.
Dan’l – That doesn’t make me any more comfortable.
At that Target in Fayetville, we saw at last 15 different women in velure suits.
Bro got a footlong at Subway to do a $8.99 deal with me and put all the meat on 6 inches of it and left the bread and veggies to throw away and then decided to take that sandwich shell home to Rodge so that he would stumble onto it and eat it in a mooching orgy only to find that he’d been dooped into eating only leavings and PK says upon hearing this, “Josh needs to eat more vegetables.”
11.21 I’ve been self-described as industrious and prolific.
So I’ve upped the auntie on the Mike Dobbs situation. (P.s. I’d like to get way up if YOUR Auntie if she’d give me a chance). Now I’m returning messages left for Mike Dobbs. Actually making outgoing calls as Mr. Dobbs! A Mr. Gilbert lefta message to call him back at 928-427-3765. So I did, as Mike Dobbs. Mr. Gilvert explained to me that he had been in the service in WWII with Mike Dobbs’ father, a Hervy Dobbs. Well I told the man that my father’s name wasn’t Harvey and I wished him good luck. Then the good Ole Samaritan in me got the best of me and I looked up Mike Dobb’s new phone number so that I could play matchmaker. The number I got for Dobbs is 877-4727 for anyone who would like to follow in my footsteps. Anyways, I had to leave a message that said it belonged to Dean. I’m sucha nice persn. Now I’ve become what I hate – somebody calling a wrong number asking for Mike Dobbs! No!
Bro – You know what? No, I’m not gonna tell you. You’ll just make fun of me.
Dan’l – No, no I wont.
Bro – Well I think I wanna do a comic book.
BroJosh, after I told him of the 20+ women we saw at Target wearing velure suits, says, “I know, I know, they’re awesome. You wanna go get one? Travis and Hood already have one.”
Dan’l – Um, why don’t you just go over to GrammaMom’s and get one of hers. She’s got like fifty of those leisure suits. I’m sure she can spare one.
Talking to Na about how clean (or dirty) I was when living at her house: I’m immaculately clean, Na. Don’t you remember when I lived at your house?
Na – Oh yeah, your room always put the rest of the house to shame.
Dan’l, looking at Na’s hearing aide – Na, lemme see that thing and stick it in my ear and get super hearing.
So I job-shadowed Nay while she school-nursed, and I noticed that with the children, Nay doesn’t advocate kissing it to make it better.
Yesterday I came to terms with the facet that I have Stage One Hypertension. It was so hard, knowing I have Stage One Hypertension. This Stage One Hypertension is serious. Wup. I think my Stage One Hypertension is acting up again. I better take it easy, and not walk so much. I don’t wanna aggravate my Stage One Hypertension. And I went around telling everyone I saw that I have Stage One Hypertension. And with that and my hypochondria, I’m pretty much done for.
At Burlin Heffley’s State Farm Office, I addressed this female employee:
Dan’l – Listen Burlin
Chick – I’m Gail.
Dan’l – burlin, let’s come to some kind of gentleman’s agreement. I’m never gonna have a car accident, so let’s go double or nothin’. Every year I got without an accident, how about we cut my insurance by $20. And if I DO have an accident ever, I ‘ll pay double.
And now, a phone call:
Dan’l – TriState housing
Judy – Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I was calling Missouri’s Department of Transportation. Sorry to bother you.
Dan’l – Oh, this is the DOT.
Judy – What department is this?
Dan’l – This is the Missouri Department of Transportation.
Judy – Ok, this is Judy with the City of Republic.
Dan’l – You represent the entire city?
Judy – I work for the city.
Danl - Oh, didn’t you guys hafta take the icthus offa your flag?
Judy – Yeah.
Dan’l – Sorry about that.
Judy, laughing – Well, I think I’ve got the wrong number. I was trying to reach someone with the highway department.
Dan’l – Yep. That’s me.
Judy – Well, I wanted to let you know that we’ve got a speed limit sign down on State Route 174 just ouside Republic.
Dan’l – Ok, good, great. I’ll pick that up. I’ll get ya taken care of. And do you have an address that that’s near?
Judy – It’s just west of Hampton Avenue, and what was your name sir?
Dan’l – I’m Mike. Mike Dobbs.
11.22 There’s a new dog at the Big House, and he’s brown, white, and black.
Dan’l – What’s the dog’s name?
Rodge – Big Shorty.
Bro, pointing at an older woman – What about her, Bro, would ya?
dan’l – No.
Bro : “really not even go down on ya? Sicko..”
Dan’l – Man, band trips were great. Constantly something happening.
Bro – And I was always makin’ out with some chick, or showin’ chicks my boner.
Dan’l – naked?
Bro – No.
Dan’l – OH.
Bro – Yeah, and what were YOU doin’? Oh, hey Justin, hey Tyler (and as he says this, he give imaginary men handjobs on either side of him)
11.23 Thanksgiving. And here’s what I’m thankful for. The face that my BroBro confided this story to me: “Earlier tonight, I was bored, and no one wa around to hang out with me. So I started fingerin’ myself while I was watchin’ Everybody Loves Raymond. I got one joint deep, had a pretty good time.
Ole Bro has the perfect recipe for how to completely and accurately recreate the smell of … Girlcrotch! Wash your hands with the liquid soap at the Big House, and then lightly touch your skin next to your butthole, and there you have it, vagina smell.
Soloman, watching Ole Lucas walk into the bar, looking all fancy, “I bet he smells of rich mahogany and many leather coats.”
And before that, Soloman on Lucas’ short range downtown traveling situation, “He needs to get a rascal.”
So I’m trying to deal with Josh’s stupid idea to join the military, and trying to sway him against it, and mock his idea, yesterday at the Big House I’m all, “Welp. I’ve decided to go gay for pay. Persono said he’d pay me $1000 to have sex with him, and that’s a great signing bonus. And being actively gay isn’t all that dangerous anymore. I mean, I can just go around giving handjobs to as many guys as I want and there’s very little chance I’ll get STD’s. And you guys can come visit me when I’m gay. They’ll just hafta be gay visits. This I my life coice., and I’m pretty solid on it. I went to Martha’s and this gay guy says to me, “Hey Big Boy” and I’m all, “Where do I sign up?”
Rodge – Dan, get in here. I wanna think about you. On the subject of getting me a trailer.
Oops, I forgot to pay my futility bills.
One time after I had called this chick, Gobler, and was talking on the phone to her I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and she responded, “Yeah, just give me a call sometime.” I didn’t know how to take that. Hadn’t I just called her?
James hall, trying to sculpt a bust of me and getting tired of how I look different every time he sees me, “I’m mad at your face.”
Dan’l – Rodge, Mark and I just had such a perfect visit, that I don’t think I can ever see him again, because I don’t want to ruin it. That seems like such a good note to end on, y’know? It was just so good. I don’t ever wanna see him again.
Dan’l – Rodge, Mark’s our leader and we hafta do what he says.
Rodge – No. I’m going gambling then.
After Bro realized I’d been watching him from the kitchen window, he’s all, “How long were you there watching me? Didju see me pick a booger, put it in my mouth, and then spit it out? Cause right then I was just thinkin, “Wouldn’t that be funny if someone saw me doin’ this?”
Bro – Dan, does your butt ever get horny? Sometimes my butt gets horny.
Dan’l – Whatcha watchin’, Rodge?
ROdgey – Bond. James Bond. And Barry. Hallie Berry.
Rodge, talking to Mark about the underaged Dogpatch girls while we’re driving through dogpatch: “There’s my favorite one – she ran off with that stupid Jack.”
Bro tells me that after he wipes he likes to look at the toilet paper to see what he came up with. And I’m all, Oh yeah, that’s ok. Go ahead, check on it. Make friends with it.
Bro – Hey, will you take naked picture of me if I need ya to?
and without hesitation, I respond, “yes”.
I gotta smell somethin’.
1.24 On describing how he found me laying in Rodge’s bed and wrastled with me in an abusive manner, Bro says, “Dan and I snuggled last night”, and I respond, “Yeah right. I was face down, butt up, mindin’ my own business, he lays on top of me crotch down, wiener up.”
Rodge – “Now Josh, I want you to stop sayin’ somethin’ funny.”
Rodgey, on what George Maples does with his time: “He watches a lot of TV, but he has to save money so a lot of the time the TV isn’t on.
Bro, on Polly standing me up, “Bro I would say ‘you’re a nice guy and you deserve better’, but you’re a bastard and you deserve it.”
A Classic Humor Journal I Moment: “Young woman, you know I’m old enough to be your statutory rapist?”
I think I’m gonna start spelling words out in Army speak. “Golf Alpha Yankee.”
Dan’l – Bro, what’d you think about Rodge, growing up?
Bro – What’d I think about him? My daddy who doesn’t may much attention unless I wanna smell of his ass.
Allegedly, when Mark went through puberty, PK had him sit naked in the bathtub for the entire family to look at. And Rodge just stood there staring at his crotch. And then Rodge walked out and PK said, “Don’t worry about it Sonny, he just didn’t mature as fast as you.”
And PK always wanted Josh to be a stripper for all her bus driver friends.
11.25 Having a conversation with Rodge, he noticed that I no longer wish to be on the phone and says, “Well, Ohhhk.” And I say, “Ok.”
Rodge - Oh.k.
Dan’l - Ohhh-k.
Rodge - Ok.
Dan’l - Ok.
Rodge - Ok.
Dan’l - Ok.
I pointed out two of my tenants earlier to Kelly J, and these tenants were Margaret Ward and Margaret Montgomery, and Kelly responded, “Wow. Montgomery-Ward.”
Mark hadta run off today to have a nooner with Angie, and I can just imagine Hunter wondering “What are mommy and daddy doing upstairs?” Since the only explanation he’s been given about where babies come from is probably that they are personally delivered to your house by Jesus.
Why do Josh and I always hafta be screwing each other? So I let Josh use my shower, so he wouldn’t be late for work, and I asked him not to use my #1 bar to of soap to clean his ass, shoving it up his buttcrack, and then I went and return a movie for him so it wouldn’t be late, and I checked my shower later on and my good soap had curly black hairs all over it. He DID shove it up his buttcrack. But I did steal his favorite coat. We take what we want and leave the rest.
As we were playing one of Lucas’ Metagames Nerdpatrol Board Games, Rodney says, “This game would be a lot better if it was in high definition”
Rodge gets so meek and mild when he’s around any sort of attractive women.
Last night, PK had a dream that she was at the Big House, and she was trying to find Josh. And she chased him into the kitchen and he hid, and she looked and looked for him. And I was standing behind her and then she heard him breathing. He was hiding in the cupboard. He had a secret passageway into the cupboard.
11.26 Josh can’t be oudone. He always has to one-up everybody, and says, “if they wanna go gay, I’ll go even gayer.” And my stance on this is that “I feel like if I kissed you on the lips, you’d do me in the butt.”
Another GREAT MOMENT in PK: The use of the phrase, “Well Dang it anyways”
11.27 Playing six point pitch, Rodge could have given a point to either me or Josh, and Josh was ahead of me, but he chose to give the point to Josh, who might soon beat him.
Dan’l – Rodge, you coulda given that point to me and I’d have only been at -1, but now Josh is at +1.
Rodgey – yeah, but Dan you’re dangerous from any position. Even from the ear.
To James Woodland: “Listen Woodland, give me your cell phone number. Look at me!, Tryin’ to turn YOU gay.”
If I’m ever in danger and need to protect myself, I’ll just whip out my paper machete.
11.29 ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN PK: The use of the phrase “Bookoo” meaning Many. And thinking of that reminds me of the phrase, “Oh, well, BooHoo you” when she thought someone else was feeling sorry for their self.
Bro – Freakin Jordan, you remember Jordan, my Padwan learner? Well he shows up at my house unannounced the other day, and I get my 9 and go see who’s outside, and Jorden’s there with a friend, and they want to borrow some porn. So I gave him cum guzzlers or something.
When asked to look at my face and tell me what she sees, what kind of person I am, this chick I was hanging out with responded, “I think your face looks deceptively harmless.”
Oh, and here’s how Josh’s padwin Learner Jordan asked him for porn with his friend alongside, “We’re here to get some porn. You got some stories fro us? You have the best stories.”
Bro found out I was going to Abbey’s and he freaked out, but I had to explain it to him that she is able to draw me over there with her crotch powers.
Mark – Hunter, wash your hands.
(Hunter washes his hands, he comes back)
Mark – Hunter, go wash your hands with soap.
(Hunter leaves and comes back with wet hands)
Mark – Hunter, go dry your hands.
Dan’l, adding – “With soap!”
On Bro joining the AirForce, and the strict lifestyle it will entail:
Dan’l – Eh, you can’t live without porn.
Bro – Oh, I’m not you. I can live without porn.
Dan’l: No, you ARE me and you CAN’T live without porn.
At the intramural office, trying to pay for Earth Monster Season 7:
Dan’l – Ok, what would be your most favorite way for me to make this payment?
Staff – Um, credit card.
Dan’l – Ok, but, I’m kind of uncomfortable about using my credit card because I’ve never received a bill. And I fee like I’m doing something illegal every time I used it.
So I decided to go coed this year in basketball…
“Do I get a discount for having women on my team? Because that shouldn’t cost as much as the price to pay for regular ManBall. Because I’m doing something for my community. It’s like an outreach, standing still for women to try to play basketball.
11.30 PK says she gets so mad at herself on icy days like this when I cant get into my car, for not helping me buy a new one. Thankfully, she’s able to instantly move past any of that guilt every time.
12.1 After telling Leann about this woman giving me a handjob, she responded, “Does giving you a handjob make these girls feel pretty?”
Rodgey – Dan, I hate PK more every day for not getting you a good car you could drive around in the winter.
Dang, it’s dazzling white outside. God sure did give us a nice snowjob.
Cassie Tweetin – You can’t touch my no-no –place
“It’s not my fault that you make me wanna have sex with you.”
Now Bro, I know that the militia is offering you a $15,000 signing bonus, and I was wondering, how much do I need to offer you as a non-signing bonus?
12.3 Dan’l – Remember when you put 4 fingers inside of me?
Cassie – Baby can we never talk about that again?
Cassie – How come you never hang out with me in the daylight? Why do I only get to see you late at night?
Dan’l – I asked you if you wanted to go to lunch today.
Cassie – You asked me that at 9:30 tonight.
12.4 Dan’l, on internet porn: I believe what happens between a man and his computer in the privacy of their own home is THEIR business.
After telling Abbey she’s too picky about not eating food that’s too old, because diahrrea isn’t all that bad, Abbey said, “Uhhh, I prefer not to vomit, and I prefer not to poop a lot.”
In the bank with Joco and Emily, as she’s cashing her check, and Rodgey’s sitting in the parking lot urinating in his van, we can see him sitting there through the bank window, through his windshield concentrating looking down, and I say in a forced whisper loud enough for everyone in the bank to hear me, “He’s urinating in that van right now.”
Pandora’s Bread Box.
Rodgey – Ooo, don’t spill that, that’s my “later-on” coffee.
Dan’l – Rodge, what’s the most attractive women you’ve been with romantically? In your whole life?
Rodge – Oh, a hooker in Korea.
Classic Rodge, whenever I’ve got anything to eat and he wants it – Dan, what have you got? Give me that. Here, don’t eat that, it’ll make you fat. You can’t. Dan you can’t. Save me the last bite. Oh, what is that, oatmeal? Eww, that’s what I hafta eat when I’m on tour.
Rodge – Dan, I am your way, your truth, and your light.
Rodge – Dan, the dogs have got under the house (in the crawlspace) and they cant get out and they’re barkin’ and barkin’ and barkin’.
After Cassie saw my penis unaroused, I’m like, “Yeah my penis is in the phase I’d like to call “travel size”.”
12.6 Dan’l - Y’know, Mark’s no entrepenaur, and he knows it. He wants to work as much as he has to in order to get by, and then spend the rest of his time with his kids.
Rodgey – Dan, I want you to turn Mark into a house-rentin-penouer.
James Woodland, on calling me back for Urinetown, “I wasn’t trying to blow sunshine up your ass.”
Since I really only work 5 hours a week, I make, like, $80/hr. Nice.
Y’know, I have a pornographic memory, and what I mean by that is that I remember every detail, every nuance, only in my recollection, everyone is naked and faking orgasms.
Cassie, on something she’d just said, “That’s a lie, I’m lying to you. But I’m honest about it, so it’s ok.”
Cassie, on my infidelity – So, what’re you gonna do when you get married, just never get married?
Rodgey, looking into Mark’s cereal cabinet and comtemplating some of life’s biggest mysteries, “What’re toasty O’s?”
Dusty Campbell, on my waxing mits I wore to school, “What is that, authentic fake wool?”
Bro – I’m a weeny. So this sparrow somehow got into my room when my window was cracked, and flew around my room and perched on my light, and I ran outta there like a little girl, like a weenie, like PK. This is a sparrow we’re talking about – they’re so tiny. They’re barely above a hummingbird. One comes into my room and I hide like a little bitch.
11.6 PK – Dan, you don’t hafta worry about Josh joining the AirForce anymore. Because I’ve got a plan. I’ve already called up at the recruiting office and checked with them. I’m going to visit him all the time if he joins.
11.7 After learning that his side was to be the dark side on the chess board I’m making – Rodge says, “But we should be the white team, because we’re pure as the driven snow… I HATE snow, Dan. I hate snow. My little car won’t go well in the snow.”
My sculpture of myself exhibits that “shit-eating grin” PK hated so much growing up.
Why do I feel it necessary to use an enema before every visit I have with Cassie Tweetin?
11.7 Kelly McCorkindale, after living in Madagascar for years– I DO think people should do what I tell them to do because I’m white sometimes.
11.8 Rodge, doing one of his great Rodgey pronunciations to Josh, “Dan’s eatin’ sahshi with Abbey.”
Dan’l: “Bro, are you upset with Chloe for ditchin’ ya? Well, here’s what we do – we hold ‘er down and poop on ‘er.”
Dan’l, the monologue to Abbey, treating her as a babysitter, offering to pay her $30, pay for her McDonalds, and a movie for her babysitting services, “Ok, all you hafta do is keep an eye on me. I need structure, I need guidance, I need strict discipline. I’m really easy to get along with.” And then after she lets me hang out with her, I show up in my pajamas, saying, “I like for you to read me this and rub my belly until I fall asleep. No. No, I dont wanna wear my pajambas. You’re not my real mom. Please don’t make me go home. I’ve got an abusive home life. I sexually abuse myself every night looking at the naked internet ladies.”
Dan’l, at the “Dan’l’s Poetry Festiverse” – You guys, I bring you glad tidings of a jerky tray filled with three types of jerky.
12.10 Yes well, I’m never allowed to substitute teach in Willard again, but in my defense, I never got any of the students I was substituting pregnant (Kevin Hall). That’s because I believe in always wearing a condom.
12.11 Lucas – Jen’s leaving next week, and with her she’s taking my heart.
Lucas, on how I was going to make it weird for Melissa Batten on her date with a guy, “You were gonna make it awkward. I know what you’re sellin’.”
Dan’l – Hey, don’t knock the product. If your beef is with me, hassle me. But don’t knock awkward.
I’m pretty sure I’ve got an angel protecting me from being slutty. Watching over me all the time, keeping the skanks from liking me so much.
Rodge, referring to last night’s card game, “You guys (Josh and I) nearly won last night. See, I’d limited my cheating to only what I could get by with. Well, I guess that’s what I always do.”
Bro, referring to a time with Rodge at a public restroom, “Dad went to the bathroom – bathed IN the toilet.”
Once, after crows were making Rodge unhappy eating a cow that’d just died, whom he loved, he killed one of the crows and hanged it from a branch as an example to the other crows.
Bro – SO I brought this seafood home from that place that starts with a D… Captain D’s, and I was gonna give my leftovers to Rodge, but Adrian gave me this look.
Dan’l – That Choppy, he was very interested in me the other day.
Rodge – Well you better get yourself a bitch to take with ya. Me and Josh already have our bitches.
PK, to a girl on her bus, “Liz, feelings are not an organ.”
12.13 The next name I gotta go by in a class is Newly.
12.14 Dan’l – Yeah, Persono’s so gay. I mean he’s fifty something and he just got his ear pierced. And he got it pierced at the place in the mall where the 11-year old girls get their ears pierced. So here’s Persono, walking around with a beginner stud in his ear.
Ty – I heard he also had a beginner stud in his rear.
Rodgey, truly brilliant, “Wait a second, so if I had an email number on the computer, I could print out coupons from the casino? Could I print out ten of ‘em?”
Mark and I just agreed on a plan to get Josh’s goat. In any way possible.
Let me tell you something about the location of Scott Parker’s nipples: it is my contention that they are located right where his collarbone stuck out, down and to the left and right of his neck.
Pk, thinking that she and Mark would have a good relationship had she made him go on our trip to New England growing up, “I shoulda taken Mark out east with us. Why didn’t I do that? That was so stupid.”
Bro, on what he was going to do for Teddy Graham for his going away party: “I dunno, I might take him to dinner, then catch a titty or something.
I gave Harvey a tape measure I’d borrowed three weeks ago and never gave back and said, “I had a really hard time findng something you need. I hope you like it. Harvey, I was your Secret Santa. I know you’ve been talkin’ about wantin’ this for a long time.
12.15 On Josh joining the military, Dan’l: “Rodge, Josh is gone to us, we hafta move past that and you start making new babies to make up for him.”
12.6 You know what? I am both sick and tired of Josh using my mailbox as a trashcan whenever he comes over.
Based on an old joke that I got wood while looking at ultrasound images of Elijah, I say to Emilar, “Wow, that picture was super cute. The one of Elijah on the Xmas card you sent me. No sooner had I opened the card an seen the picture that my hand went directly for my crotch. And you know what they say about idle hands being the devil’s plaything? Well, if that’s true then my hands were busy doing God’s work for quite a while.
Hung out with Abbey last night. I’m beginning to think there’s nothing better than ex-girlfriend tail.
Recently Mark, Angie, Hunter and Connor were singing the Xmas-type song, “Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket”. Then yesterday they went out to the back of their land to watch the metoer shower. Angie said she saw about one/minute. But every time they’d see one, Connor wouldn’t because he gets distracted so easily. So Mark or Angie would yell, “There’s another falling star!” and Connor would reply, “Did you put it in your pocket?”
Bro – D’you wanna giggle?
Dan’l – Sure, we all do.
Bro – Mark Newell showing up at his 5 year reunion in a tanktop.
PK – Dave made a steak last night, and it was most excellent.
Dan’l New’ll, Phopheteer.
12.17 Lucas, to Josh about how Remington’s was bought by Ridgecrest Baptist – I think you should go try to bounce at that church.
Lucas – Ok, here’s what I think. You know those bell ringers collecting money for The Salvation Army? I think that these folks could be replaced by a box with an electronic bell. And then these folks could maybe work a full day at a real job and then donate all the money they make to the Salvation Army.
After a black guy called Josh racist for not letting him into Icon 10 minutes before they opened, Randy, Josh’s manager, says, “Come on. We’re not racist – I mean, we’ve got colored lights.”
12.19 Bro – So Ty Bills calls me askin’ for porn, sayin’ that he heard I could get him some good porn.
Jason – What? Just called you out of the blue? You guys aren’t even friends.
Bro – I know, I know. Freaked me out.
Jason – Weird.
Bro – Yeah. I guess everybody hears that I got a lot of fantastic porn. But getting calls from people I don’t even know?
Jason – What’d you do?
Bro – Yeah I gave him some porn. I gotta reputation to keep.
I own over 250 pairs of socks. I’m just sayin’, ladies, if that makes you wanna date me, don’t hold back.
One thing Rodge has been saying a lot lately is “Dan, come back to bed.”
I’m starting to think that maybe I should be put out to stud. That’s the life I’m made for.
So I was getting ready to hang out with this chick, in a hurry, I was in my Hurry-Up-Offense. I’d just pooped and had no time to shower. So I decided to use hand sanitizer on my buttcrotch, because I wasn’t gonna pony up my butt to the sink and soap it up. So on went the germ-x. And it stung! Man did it sting! Holy crap. My anus. That stuff is pretty much straight alcohol.
Young girl at Willard asks, “Do you want your pants?” to everyone she meets.
12.20 Emily’s sister-in-law, completely entertained by me, “Do you ever get arrested?”
Dan’l – No, but I do get a lot of lifetime bannings.
Often when Connor wakes up, he’ll yell to Angie, “Momma, come heeeere! I’ve got a puhprize for you!”
12.21 I think I gotta take everything of Josh’s that I possibly can, because he’s not gonna need any of this when he’s in the military. So I’m eating all his food, wearing his clothes, living his myspace.com life for him. And et cetera.
I believe in God 110%. I’m ready to give God my best effort. I’m leaving it all out there for God. I’m going yard, taking a crack at it and doing squat thrusts for the Lord. I’m gonna give it my all and leave it all out there on the court because I’m all about the team.
Dan’l – I’m fine with ugly people joining the military.
Leann – It’s their only option.
Avertising my Ionic Breeze to Mark, so that he’ll use it and Hunter wont be sick anymore: My Ionic Breeze – it’ll blow like the wind blows. Grammamom has one and she swears by it. She swears like a sailor by it.
After Bro put me in a headlock and I licked his eyeball out of it, he licked the side of my face, but wasn’t satisfied, saying, “I’m gonna lick you again. And this time, it’s gonna be real wet.” Actually he didn’t lick my face again, but instead opted to put HoneyButter in my eye. Nice.
Cassie Tweetin tried to get me to come out to Icon tonight, but I Hadta say, “ooo, sorry, I’ve got a client tonight”. In reference to a woman who is coming over who I hope to be romantic with.
12.22 To Abbey, “I know what it was – you broke up with me ‘cause I was fat.”
Dan’l, walking in to the Diamond Head Restaurant in Republic, “Somehow I ended up here somehow, and I need to use your restroom. “
and then, leaving
“That was as good a time as I’ve had in a restroom in a long while.”
Welp, I’ve hidden Josh’s porn and video games from him, you know, he wont need them in the military. All I need to do now is to subdue him in the rear.
Bro – Adrian, you just farted spam on me. Eh. I’m never feeding you spam again.
Emilar, after having baby Kyle (Ethan) “Yeah, they ripped me from here to there. He was 9lbs 11oz…My butt exploded.”
Another GREAT MOMENT IN PK (to any small child) PK: – “I’m gonna pick you up and take you home with me. That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna pick you up and take you home with me.
So I was using my fake BroBro profile to tell Melissa Batten that my brother Dan’l likes her. I’m puttin’ in a good word for myself.
12.24 Dan’l – Rodge, I’m too worried about VD to have sex with all the women who wanna have sex with me.
Rodge – Dan, you cant be worried about that. You just gotta make the babies. And then let the next generation worry about the VD’s we get by making the next generation. Come back to bed.
Helping Mark renovate a house in DogPatch, he says to me, “This floor is all tongue and groove stuff.” And I reply, “Tongue and groove huh? I was over at Abbey’s and I had to tongue her groove last night.”
This whole winter break is so relaxing. Not in my wettest dreams could I have imagined it could be this good.
From deep in the heart of PK Town, reading her bus knick-knacks –
“School bus drivers always have a lot of people behind them.”
“School bus drivers make special deliveries.”
“A faithful friend is sure a schoolbus driver.”
Thing about me is this – I get what I want. If I want a brooch, I get a brooch.
12.26 Dan’l: “I like how you don’t waste any of the food you make. You’re like the Indians using every part of the buffalo.”
Jane – “The buffalo has been very good to my people.”
After Jane fingered my butthole to perfection, she washed her hands, and I said, “You might wanna wash that hand extra.”
Jane – Oh, is this gonna stick around a while?
Dan’l – Yeah, that’ll keep for a coupla days.
In high school, Beff Fridley always dreamt of driving a Toyota Corolla. Now THAT is a reachable goal.
At Flowerama, I’m buying flowers:
Woman – Do you want me to put some baby’s breath in this arrangement?
Dan’l – Oh yeah. And do you have any other baby parts you could throw in as well?
Man I gotta stop saying, “Bequeef” instead of “Bequeath.”
I hate to admit this, but WalMart is fast becoming a Mecca where I buy all my discount junk.
Rodge – “In Westerns, somebody was always getting shot in the fraycus (assumably a made-up word Rodge conjured by combining fray and ruckus). They were always getting shot in the fraycus in a saloon. And I always wondered, where on the body is the fraycus located?”
We played Spoons last night. And man was Josh getting into it. And I think the reason he likes it so much is because it’s a full-contact card game.
Ok, either a fraycus is a combo of fray and ruckus, or it’s a body part or an event.
Rodge – “Now wherever I go, in case of any eventuality, I like to bring this knife.” Man I don’t even think eventuality is even close to being a word.
Rodge pronounces “ettequette” as though it rhymes with adequate.
Rodge, on being my partner continually in cards through the years, “Now Dan, he’s been bidding like an idiot for years. What he really likes to do when we’re partners is to mistreat his biological father, he’s been doing that, bidding like an idiot ever since he was big enough to throw a boot at.”
After I bid poorly and didn’t make it, setting Leann and I, I said, “Sorry Leann, I never meant to hurt you.”
to which Rodge replies…
“Yes he did. He gets fiendish pleasure out of making others miserable.”
Leann – I don’t like people to see me without a shirt on when I’m growing my armpits out.
Yeah, when I’m drivin’, the rear-view mirrors are all facing right back at my face, all three of them. Because I’m not into looking into the past. I don’t care what’s behind me. And I rarely look ahead when driving. Because I believe in savoring the present moment. I’m savoring myself now.
Welp, somebody’s getting the nickname “Softbatch” pretty soon.
Bro, on Christmas, when Mark doesn’t show up because he’s got the flu, “Yeah, this is just like Mark – to pull something like this. Ruining Christmas.
Pillowtalk with Leann:
Dan’l – Can I touch you?
Leann – In what way?
Dan’l – In appropriate ways.
Leann – Uh, didju say inappropriate ways? Or in appropriate ways?
Dan’l – Touche, Leann. Touche.
12.28 Rodge – “Now that is the ultimate pie – the pecan pie. There’s nothing better.”
Leann and I have been accused of collusion while playing cards two times in the past three days.
Rodge – Josh and I , we were on our way down to South Padre, and we were in Oklahoma, at that McDonalds that straddles the road, and I saw somebody from behind, and I said, “That rear looks a little too familiar. And it was. It was PK.”
Classic Rodge, “More sympathetic I could not be.”
Once, Cody Ryerson had a band named “Puff’s 12 Dollar Zoo”, that never played any music or had any instruments.
Rodge – I always like to try to clean things with whatever soiled paper towels from weeks gone by that I find in my pocket.”
If having unprotected gay sex with numerous anonymous partners is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.
PK claims to have gotten saved two days ago. Neat.
Y’know what? Adam Duritz could sing about whatever the Hell he wanted, no matter what lyrics or subject matter, and I think it’d still be beautiful.
Rodgey – Dan, most of the time, I think you’re mainly entertaining yourself. You could be on a deserted island telling jokes and you’d be just find.
Dan’l – No! I need an audience. Otherwise, it’d just be self-gratification.
Rodgey – Yeah, but I think you could put up with more of that than anybody else.
Newest Dan’l Endeavor Possibility, “Become legal guardian for lotsa hot 17-year-old chicks.
12.29 Some guy called Mike Dobbs yesterday asking for some street sweeps, Poor guy. I told him Mike was out of the office and to try and call back tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll tell him the same thing.
Love is taking the punishment without having committed the crime.
So it seems Rodge is experiencing a Renaissance of using the phrase, “Would you like Sommore Ovaltene please?”
12.29 Rodgey: “I like the sound of your jib.”
12.30 Rodgey, as Adrian is rooting through his pile of dirty clothes, “Adrian! You heavy, panting PK animal! You’re trampling my clothes. You’re trampling my trash!”
I love Bro using this phrase: “Poor thing, bless her little heart.”
Confronting Chelsea Russell about cussing at me twenty times in a coupla seconds over the phone
Dan’l – Yeah, why’d you do that?
Chelsea – You kept calling Cassie’s phone. And she’s got a boyfriend.
Dan’l – For real? But she stuck her hand in my – ”
I just took a huge dump. It hit the bottom of the toilet and was still coming out of my butt incredibly thick. Then it kept coming out and kinked in the middle. Amazing. There is so much wonder in all of God’s creation.
Kelly McMasters once had a dream where her foot was connected to her knee by a golden calf.
Rodge, and his latest business idea, “I’m marketing the bears. They saw a black bear down near Ava. Now I’m advertising it as 530 acres of Bear Country. And also, there’s deer, turkey, and bobcat. And let’s not forget the bear. Hey, I’m not, just talking out my hat here. …Dan, Come back to bed.”
Terry long, local bumpkin, “I wish I had a tiger.”
Rodge, calmly, in quiet thought, “Yeah, I”ve though about that. Thing is – you hafta be smart about it, maybe start a business where the tiger eats people’s roadkill for ‘em for a price. Have you seen this movie Secondhand Lions? … Well, you’d hafta be safe, look what happened with Zigfried and Roy…” and he went on and on.
I think PK claimed to be a masturbowler the other day.
To Tyler, “Nothing happened with Leann and I wish I could tell you all about it.”
Tyler – Now, I have to tell everybody. Because how am I supposed to not tell everyone, if I don’t know anything?
Leann, treating my desires and advances like a hostage situation, “If I kiss you now, will you not worry about New Year’s?”
Coming into Leann’s pigsty house:
Leann – I’m so sorry my house is a mess, please don’t look at it.
Dan’l – Leann, it’s special to me because YOU made it.
I got a bowl of ice cream at the Big House when Rodge, laying in his waterbed office in a sickened condition, says his classic, “Dan what’ve you got. What is that? What is it? What d’you got? Ice cream. Ice cream, I need that. I need that for my sickness. Give me that. I need that because everything else I eat gives me diarrhea.”
Oh Leann, if Jesus only knew what you and I did today. Thankfully we’re not telling him, and the only other one who knows is old Duke – and he ain’t talkin’.
12.31 Hunter asks Mark, “What’s the card game that Dan plays with the ladies?” and all I could think was “My god, what’s he referring to?”
Message sprayed on the back of a DogPatch House: “Fuck Yuo.” Really? You is a very simple word. 3 letters, that’s all.
1.1.07 Bro – Hey Dan you piece of crap. Somehow you re-routed all the calls that come to my phone so that they come to your phone. I’m going to do something bad to you, Bro.
Dan’l – Bro, I tried to call you to apologize doing that, but the call just went to my voicemail. And you gotta understand, when you joined the Army, you declared war on my feelings. I’m just attacking back.
Preacher at Orchard Crest, “Grab your bibles, and we’re gonna be in a couple different places, you might wanna stick a finger in Matthew, and a finger or a thumb in Phillipeans.” Hehehe.
Rodgey, looking in to food storage room at the YMCA, “this would be the best place to live. You could hide in here under shelves, eat all night, sleep all day, crap inbetween.
You know what? I’d like to go up to St. Louis or KC, and go to a sperm bank and give until it hurts.
Rodgey, wondering what my BFF necklace stood for, “What is that, ButtFuck?”
Rodgey claims that the sickness he has right now is called “the croop”. I don’t believe him.
Last night, during New Year’s Eve Festivities, all I could think was, “I should be watching goonies with Justin Rahn.”
At the bank, the woman teller who kept me waiting thirty minutes in the cold on my moped because the signature on my nondrivers licence “Ole Dan’l” did not match the DLUP on my withdrawl slip asked me for ID in order to inquire about my blance.
Dan’l – You sure go by the book. I think I’ll call you “Protocol”.
Protocol – No. My name is Megan. Call me by my name.
Dan’l – Sure thing, Protocol.
Other bank woman – Let’s not be starting any fights here.
Dan’l – Oh no. Protocol and I were just talking.
Other bankwoman – I think you should call her Megan.
Dan’l – Protocol.
1.3.07 Aww, remember when I was atop Scott Parker’s hate list in High school? Gee, school shootings sure are funny.
Kelly – Dan’l, I’m coming over. Are you inapartment #2 or apartment #4 now?
Dan’l – I’m going #2 in #4.
Why. Why is it. Why is that when Leann says on the phone, “I’m comin’ over”, why is my first reponse to think, “Man, I gotta clean my toilets.”
1.4 I’m gonna hafta use my expert tease abilities to get Persono to buy me more awesome cool stuff. Neat.
I think I’ll start calling lies “Just a figure of speech”.
Kelly Mc called me “FestyFesty” which means sneaky in Malagasy.
Lindsey once told me that she wanted to lose her virginity while listening to “Colorblind” by the Counting Crows. I’d like to lose my virginity to “Testify”, a poem by Michael Burns.
Leann and I, we’re like kindred fermented spirits.
I’m working on a plan where I can live on charm alone.
Connor, trying to say he wanted to go to Nichols Street, “I wanna go to Nigger Tree”.
1.5 So I gotta start introducing Leann to people in this way, “Oh, you remember my completely platonic friend Leann, don’t you?”
1.6 So here’s a young toddler Dan’l classic: PK – Daniel, what’d you do today while Mommy was gone?
Dan’l – I cried. I cried all day. I Cried for you.
A thought came into my mind as I bought a pair of bright red welding gloves for no other reason than the fact that I just wanted them, and it was this: “I shouldn’t be allowed to have spendable currency at my disposal.”
Rodgey says that when I have my mouthpiece in I’m talking to Josh, wanting to figh him, that I sound like a retard.
1.7 Connor, saying that he wants to play the monopoly CDROM on the computer by himself, “I wanna play Ponopoly on the Pacooter all by my own.”
Leann – Dang it. I hate when I lose an avocado in my purse.
So on any given day throughout the year, I’m gonna start doing nice things for people under the thought, “Aw heck, It’s Christmas.”
Jesus told me to be humble, but he told me this on opposite day. Does Jesus subscribe the rules of opposite day?
(Touching Abbey’s body)
Dan’l – I need you.
Abbey: How do you need me?
(and I couldn’t just say “physically, primarily physically)
This one goes out to all the gay guys.
Buying a $79 huge belt buckle from Race Brothers.
Dan’l: “Yeah, $79, that’s a good price. They tried to get me to pay $200 over at PFI.”
Cashier: “Really. That high? That’s too high.”
Dan’l: “I know. And it was then that I made a vow to myself that I’d never pay $200 for anything.”
Leann’s friend Sara’s take on me, “He reeks of arrogance.”
Rodge – You screwed me Dan. PK, she called. She called me, Dan. And all I could say was “Who iiiis this.” And she said, “You KNOW who this is.” In her most wiley voice. And then a shudder rain through my entire body, like the grim reaper had passed his shadow over my body, and then she nagged at me for 5 minutes. And now, my colonoscopy is gonna seem like a walk in the park. Dan, I think she wants to get back together. Dan, if she embraces me, I’ll vomit all over your arms.
Dan’l – Bro, at Blockbuster,” they like me. I never hafta pay my late fees.”
Bro – “That’s the reason I cant go there. They wouldn’t let me do that, let it slide. They wouldn’t let me finance my delinquency.”
Rodge saw what he claims to be a May Stiff that is described in the paper as “Cantankerous”.
One of Hunter’s favorite books is “Bud not Buddy.”
1.8 I get my jollies off on always calling some movie a psychological thriller when it’s not.
Ok, so I’ve kinda got some wrath issues, big deal, wanna fight about it?
Now a new segment: Stuff I project that Rodgey could have said or might soon say that he’s not yet said:
Rodgey, as he urinates while sitting up in bed, “Dan, the best part of waking up, is peeing in your cup”
Bro, looking at Josh Tucker Must Die at Family Video, ”I would need a really good blowjob and a really good meal – neither of which I’d pay for – to watch this movie on a date with a chick.”
Tyler – “Cody gets mad easily. I cant stand it when people are like that. He does though. If you don’t belive me, just put Drew and Cody in a room together and see if Cody doesn’t get mad.”
Dan’l – Tyler, you cant spill the beans about me and Leann. Do you know why you cant tell?
Tyler – Because you haven’t told me yet?
Dan’l – No, you cant spill the beans because there are no beans. You cant spill any beans because there are no beans.
Tyler – There are no beans.
Dan’l – Right.
So this other Abby put a sign on my myspace.com wall that said, “Everytime you masturbate, a kitten kills a retard”, a spoof on “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.” So I responded on her wall, “Every time a kitten masturbates, an angel gets its wings.” Nice.
Dan’l – Abbey, I think my nipples are highly sensitive to sexual stimuli.
Abbey – Daniel, your entire body is an erogenous zone.
Hey speaking of Walnut Grove, Missouri… doesn’t Tyler live in Walmart Grove, Arkansas?
Leann, trying to relate to my continual headaches, “I kina thought I maybe had a headache today during work for a second. But then I didn’t.”
Bro, not wanting to fight me, “Ah Dan, I don’t want you to hafta put your shower cap on.
Dan’l – “It’s a swimming cap!” (that I had purchased so my hair wouldn’t get in the way during any MMA –style fights I might have with Josh, because I’m trying to do all sorts of bad things to him since he joined the army).
Mark – I spend mosta my high school career walking around hunched over (because of a constant erection he had).
After family pics at Walmart I lost Rodge, and looking for him, I stood at the front at Checkouts and then saw him. And so, here comes Rodge, riding side-saddle on a motorized old lady cart, leaning back and to the side with a look on his face that spoke of dignity, and a distinguished life full of regal aspirations and high station.
Playing with Hunter’s new Hotwheels spinning-da-loop, I say, “If we woulda had this growing up, Justin Rahn woulda never married Sasha.”
After hearing that Josh was gonna come over and give him something, Hunter got eral excited, saying, “What is it? What is it? What is it? Is it a Wedgy?”
Dan’l: “Leann, we needa rekindle that old familiar friendship”. And “Leann, I would befriend you all over again if I had to. I want to befriend you every day in every way.”
I don’t wanna be a weirdo, but I think my semen could be used to heal the sick.
1.11 Jessica Landis on Jeff Jenkins, “He likes people as a group, but not as individuals. I don’t know if he’s a good guy, but I like him.”
On romantic relations, “Man. The women in this town, I tell ya, they love their handjobs. Why, if I had a blowjob for every handjob I’ve been given… I’d prolly have contracted more VD’s.”
So yesterday, Bro blew his nose, farmer style, when I was 1 ½ feet away from him, downwind. Dang. So nasty. And what came out was a wad of blood 1 inch in diameter. Yep, ole Bro blew a snot child out on my coat, then freaked out saying, “Oh no!” and as quickly as it had landed there, he sucked it off with his mouth. He claims to have done this so it wouldn’t spear, instead of wiping it off. I claim he did so to gain sustainance from feeding on one of his phlem babies. I had no idea Josh ovulated once a month out his nose. Neat.
Mark, looking at picture from high school where everyone was acne-ridden, “Looks like everybody had chicken pox.”
Harvey commenting on my man coat that I had fur added to, “That’s a women’s coat.”
Dan’l – You’re a woman’s coat.
My job is so lazy that it qualifies me to be a licenses Maytag Repair Man.
1.12 Well, Abbey, are you mad at me? ‘Cause well, I mean, I feel like you’ve just been mad at me for the past five years.
Dan’l: “Mark, will you be my financial accountability partner?”
Guys, you should make sure that you have 8 hours that you can devote to sleep if you ever hang out with Beff Fridley. Man. So boring.
1.13 So the world is ice. All of it. And the YMCA is closed. So evidently, I”ve unknowingly been a member of the Center for Pussies. So I cant work out there, but I guess if I need a PapSmear, I’m in luck.
Abbey, about the winter weather, “My hair is cold.” And she’s unhappy about winter, and not being able to use her cell phone because the power is out, “I wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it.”
So I’m at the Big House, wipin’ my nose on just about everything, and…
Rodge, using cat litter to fight the ice on the steps responding to my question about if the litter is too expensive, “Oh, it costes, it costes.”
I gave Rodge the idea to breed Little Shorty 2 with Adrian and make a race of beautiful Rotweeners.
Last night, during a 20 minute fit about nothing more than not wanting to play the cards in his hand, Connor says, “I feel like I wanna cry.”
Sleeping over at the Longs, we’d been lying awake for awhile, Terry, Sharon, Leann and I, and I say to Terry, in the silence, “Terry? What’re ya thinkin?” very thoughtfully.
Terry Long, “Uh, we don’t know anything about anything.”
Bro has frightful fits remembering Dani Patterson walking down the street drunk when he pulled up beside her and she said, “Oh Josh, you’ve become such a man!” and persisted to rub his face with both hands.
So we had our 3 in one ice storm. And the following is from PK “Sonny are you alright? Well are you? Are you alright? Good. Well, a tree fell into our bedroom. And one fell onto the baby car. Now, my home line is down and my cell phone is about to die. So if you need me, you call KTTS and leave me a message on the radio.
Lucas, who holds a Computer Information Technology degree from SMS, has been sick from the painkillers he’s taking since his knee surgery, and I’m all, “Did you delete your cookies all day on Saturday?”
1.15 When Bro was being mean to me a coupla months ago because I talked about all of my women and I got tired of his treatment of me, and I was all, “I don’t really care of this particular flavor of Josh goes off and joins the army. I wont miss being treated badly.” But you know what, I will miss being treated badly.
Waiting in like at the Kitchen Clinic for several hours, somebody new comes in and I say, “What’s it like on the outside? What I woudn’t give just to breathe the air, look at the sky. On the outside I was an apartment manager. Now I’m institutionalized. I don’t think I’d make it on the outside. I’m just too used to this life.”
So a little ice fell on the ground, some power went out, and some stores closed. And Leann became catatonic. She could so nothing. All day Saturday she laid around and ate. She couldn’t be productive because the power was out. She was as helpless as a weakened Abbey Shoultz. I couldn’t believe it. She just sat there in my office, staring in front of herself. She was not able to form complete sentences. And what she did say was not worth noting. It reminded me of Saturday when Abbey asked me what I was going to do, since the ice storm had knocked the power out of most of town.. She asked in a manner that implies there was nothing anyone in the world could do because some ice had fallen from the sky. She was like Chicken Little, and in her mind, the sky was falling. So I responded that I was going to do my usual Saturday routine, collect rent, goof off. She seemed amazed that rent could still be collected when utilities are down. Adorable, just adorable.
Looking at Lucas’s open wound from his knee surgery:
Dan’l – Ooo, Lucas, you want me to stop the bleeding. I could sodomize it.
Lucas – Yeah, I don’t think that would make it better.
1.16 Jeremy Bumgarner always had a plan in elementary school to burn down Willard South elementary. And if that didn’t work, he, Cory Locke and Gordon Lattimer would run away to the airport.
Before Bro and I worked out together, I needed to borrow lifting gloves,because mine were trapped in my ice fortress of an automobile, so I asked, “Bro, can I borrow some lifting gloves? Mine are encased in carbonate.”
1.18 ANOTHER CLASSIC MOMENT IN PK: “Dave called the utility company, and he was so nice to them. But the woman on the phone, she was so hateful.”
Each time PK calls me and leaves a message, I wonder, is she calling with any particular purpose right now, does this call have any point whatsoever? Or is it like every other pointless call she gives me.
Leann, seeing me in a country and western shirt, “Didn’t you tell me to remind you not to wear that shirt because you blew your nose in it three days ago?”
Dan’l – Dang it.
Hypothetical Rodge situation – A Native American Rodge was gambling against at the Quapaw Casino in Miamah told Rodge that “his B.O. was strong like the buffalo”.
Here’s the thing about me: I never give back the last key. If you give me a copy of your keys, don’t ever expect that I’ll give it back without making copies. Because I wont.
So again I’ll say that I’m a crisis man. I’m the best there is at handling crisises-eses. Lotsa times, since I’m so good with crises, I’ll create them on my own as well.
Rodgey’s new second home – The “Just One More” Bar in Republic.
Watching the Deerhunter, which is more of a lifestyle choice than a movie watching session because of how long the dang movie is, it was so cold, watching it at the Big House with no heat:
Dan’l – Mark, it’s so cold. Can I put my food under your butt? (to keep it warm)
Mark – No.
Dan’l – Can I put my foot in your crotch?
Mark – No.
Dan’l – Can I put my crotch in your butt?
Mark, on pornography – “Dan can only get aroused if there’s a midget and a horse involved.”
Dan’l – Bro, why d’you always stay after a movie to watch the full credits. I don’t wanna do that. I don’t care who the best boy grip was. I don’t care who gripped the best boy.
Dan’l: “Leann, look at you all in your winter-gear. Your long underwear. Long underwear takes away your dignity.”
Rodgey, on the DeerHunter, “It embodies the feeling of my generation.”
1.19 As all the Newell men hung out, Bro says, “This time last year, Kelly J woulda been with us. Not anymore.”
Dan’l – Yeah, now she only wants to hang out with guys who would make out with her. And none of us would.
Rodge – I would have.
Mark – I wouldn’t have called her mommy.
Another Great Moment in PK-ness: Calling any country restaurant “just a glorified greasy spoon”.
1.20 Mr. Newell, are you currently gainfully employed?
Dan’l – Yes, I work building bears, at the build-a-bear factory.
So you are employee at that store in the mall?
Dan’l – No, I just go in there everyday and build a bear and call it my work.
3 days until Josh becomes an army of fun.
Leann, I’ve got a pa-prize for you… I rented the movie, ‘The Dreamers” and this movie, this movie is not pornography. It’s not. And it’s gonna wow you. It’s an erotic thriller. It’s gonna knock your shirt and pants off.
I’d say that my interior design motif could be called “Accumulation”.
Leann – Dan’l, I just saw Jason Jolley at the BigLots. Anything you want me to tell him?
Dan’l – Hold yer position, Leann, I’ll be right there. No seriously, tell him he’ll rue the day he ever decided to teach Spanish at SMS.
Leann – Rue the day?
Dan’l – Yeah, it means “regret”. Roo.
Leann – Rue?
Dean’l – Roo, Leann, Roo.
At the Longhorn Saloon Restaurant:
Waitress – What would you like?
Dan’l – I’ll have just one more second to think… Ok, I’d read in this literature that I must try this porked chop. Now, what about this half basket? Is that wicker? ‘Cause I’m not esposed to eat the wicker. How’s about I tell you my needs and you tell me what to order. I have at the same time both a hunger the size of Texas, and a suspicion of trying anything new the size of Texas. What d’you recommend?
Rodge, about telling family sories, “I beared my asshole to you, I mean, I beared my soul to you.”
Leann – You need to have a bumper sticker that says, “I’d rather be masturbating.”
Leann – I need to exfoliate my butt
Dan’l – Your butthole, or your whole butt?
Y’know what I heard, I heard Travis Hecocks went Tranny and changed his name to Shecocks.
Heh, heh, heh. I’m gonna start locking doors to public places. Like when I go to Subway…
Mark left a 3ft sub at my house and I’m thinking, “Mark, are you my Secret Sandwich Santa?”
My horoscope says I”ve gotta start strategizing my Charm offense. So I’m gonna.
Everything about my 16 profiles on myspace makes me think one giant mastermind is running the whole charade. And it’s all going down at the Conspiratorium. That is a word I just made up that refers to the place that conspiracies take place. Neat.
Hearing Josh say, “Poor Leann” prompts me to think that whichever woman I’m involved with is gonna be “Poor _______”.
A caller for an apartment – “Hey, I was wantin to see if I could rend the cheapest damn thing.”
Abbey – Prison Break’s comin’ back on tomorrow. If I had a penis, that might make it a little hard.
Dan’l – You don’t wanna kiss me?
Leann – At the moment, with your gas, and with you thinking everybody in the world has a crush on you, I find you, resistable.
So I think most women have a crush on me. And all gay men. And like, if a woman is fat, she has a crush on me. And if a chick is asian, she probably has a crush on me. And pretty much chick has ever talked to me for more than 20 minutes, she has a crush on me.
1.23 since it’s so cold and the power is out a lot of places, nobody is shaving their faces anymore. Even the women are growing out full beards.
One thing I think scientists need to consider is the theory of the Dan’l Centered Universe. It’s quite riveting.
Now, my giant belt buckle, it’s just crotch candy, it gets the eye focused on my genitals where it should be, it’s all part of this generous prize package.
So Kelly Turner saw Dennis Oden at the mall, and he’d lost all his teeth, and claimed to be working undercover for the CIA.
So Leann saw Jason Jolley at Big Lots. Remember, he’s my arch enemy. And she had her dad Terry read him a note that read, “Daniel Newell says you will rue the day you decided to reach Spanish at Missouri State University”. And then I saw him outside his office yesterday, and I was all, “Ha! I ruined your evil plan to shop unannoyed by me”.
1.25 Mark – I wanna start my own compound. Build a big building, seal it off, and call it Compound “W”. I wanna be a turtle. If I could live in a reefer trailer with my family, I could take my home wherever I wanted to go.
Rodge, after Bro left for the army: “Dan, stop, we gotta just give up. We can’t go without Josh. Come back to bed.”
My favorite sign in all of Kansas City is, “Got yo Chick’n, Fish, n Burga.”
Ok, so this chick last night, her breasts were like socks with a kooshball at the end. When she took off her bra, they flattened down to her Buddha belly.
I’m such a superficial slut. I’m constantly going around looking at women, judging how much and what I’d do with each of them based on how attractive they are. For instance: If a woman has a pretty face, I’d kiss her and let her give me a blowpop. If she has a nice body, I’d let her take her clothes off, and rub that body against mine. If she’s real ugly and nothing is worth salvaging, I’d let her give me a handjob, or most likely put her fingers in my rear. The end.
Josh just joined the army. And I Find that decision to be not just gay, but Army Gay.
So I got my mail, and it seems that the crazy lady (my tenant who writes and send me ranting letters every day) tried to disguise her handwriting, making it look sane, so I’d open her letter and read it. Not today, crazy lady.
I went to the restroom. My reason for the trip being to go #1. But as things progressed, as they sometimes do, I had the good fortune to go not just #1, but #1 and #2.
Mark – I hadta go to this wedding, and I didn’t know what to wear.
Bro – Were ya gonna go with a Ram’s hat, Mark?
Dan’l: Or perhaps that tanktop you wore to your 5 year highschool reunion?
ANOTHER GMIPK: She used to be always going off, complaining about Baby Bush and Baby Blunt. How much she didn’t like them.
So I think I’m gonna get a personalized license plate that reads 351CPT. Which as no meaning, just to throw people off.
PK- “I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up.”
I hear what people are saying, and granted, I do have a little bit of a crush on myself.
Hunter calls instructions, “Constructions”.
Woman at Taylor Health and Wellness Center: You’re not Cody, are you?”
Dan’l – Yeah, I guess I’ll be Cody.
Woman – Is that your name?
Dan’l – Yeah, I’m Cody. Ok, I’m Cody. That’s my name.
Woman – Did you just collect urine for us?
Dan’l – Lady, I collect urine wherever I go. I get it all over the place.
Woman – But didju collect urine for us?
Dan’l – Well, I do a lot of freelance work, collecting urine wherever I can. I prefer the fresh-squeezed stuff.
I saw a woman not pull out into traffic when she could have, and that reminded me, that it is very important to drive with your balls.
ANOTHER GMIPK: She’s always going off about something Dave looked in this way, “Dan, you shoulda had somea that pork – it was SO tender. Dave is SUCH a good cook.” Ugh.
So I made a huge playlist of songs about loss for Josh’s Trip we drove him on to boot camp. And to play it on my iPod I need the transmitter to have the readio tuned to 87.9. So I explained this to Nay, and then she said, “So Nay, can I put it on 87.9?” and she said, “No, I like 88.3 The Wind”.
1.27 Jen (Leann’s friend) “I don’t like to be touched on one side and not the other side. It makes me feel weird.” And this same woman believes that a Shirley Temple has alcohol in it. Cute.
I put my beaded curtain up in the entryway to the living room from the kitchen in the Big House, and poor Adrian was too scared of it to be able to walk through it. I had no idea that Adrian’s natural enemy was a beaded curtain. In the wild, this curtain would probably turn predatory towards ole Aderan.
Leann and I got to talking about weddings, and she says to me, “Yer poor wife, I can see you sabotaging your own wedding. See, look at your face, it has “this is true” written all over it.”
1.29 Now we all know that there are butt guys, there are breast guys or leg guys. I myself am more of an ear, nose, and throat guy.
I’m an idiot. I gave myself the food poisoning again. Like a fool I reused a plastic spoon that’d been sitting in yogurt a coupla days.
1.30 Woman at dental office: “You’re Paula’s son? You look just like her.”
Dan’l – “Aw, that’s not a very nice thing to say.”
2.1 I am earnestly thinking that I could possibly be funnier if I didn’t have such a big ego. I tend to go with whatever I think first, thinking, “I’m the funniest man alive, anything I do is funny.”
Everyone has a crush on me.
Danl: Abbey, I’m thinkin’ about having our breakup annulled.
Looking at an apartment sign, “What?! That says “Essex Place”? I thought it said “Sex Palace””.
How come when something falls on the ground, and its something little we’re talking about, it always ends up somewhere waaaaay far away from where it was dropped? That ticks me off.
So I called my cell phone number from my cell phone the other day, to check my voicemail, and the line was busy. Now how does that happen? Was someone else checking my voicemail? Some rogue agent, listening to my messages?
Rodgey – Wait, the dogs are ravishing my shirt.
Bro, immitating Little Shorty walking across the kitchen tile, his claws all a clutter, “Titititititititit.”
2.2 Rodgey – Oh. Happy Gilmore. I already hadta watch it twice today and now it’s on again.
So I’m about to be partially homeless. And as a way of offering to pay to stay nights at her house, I’ve told Abbey that I will wash her cats for her every day.
So for my co-ed team last Monday night, we didn’t have enough women, so I offered to use my tranny powers.
2.3 So anyways, I was watching some buttsmut, which is the gay people’s porn, and… it was ok.
Rodgey, responding to the idea of giving Little Shorty 2, Josh’s Christmas Present dog who he keeps locked away 23 hours a day, to John Loe, who can give him a better home, “No! We’ve gotta sell. Sell! I’ve got a lot of stuff invested in this dog – like Josh’s love and everything. I wont take less than $500.”
2.5 I have a certain expertise. Well, more specifically, I am an Expert Tease.
Rodge keeps talkin’ about Adrian’s crotch drippings.
Danl: I’m stayin over here freom now on.
Rodge – Oh Dan, are we gonna stay one?
From Mark’s dream about being in his underwear at church, he kept thinkin’, “why do people keep sayin’ stuff like, “They’re not even all that white?” Why cant they say something nice?
Pretty much everything Rodge does around the kitchen can fall between the categories of slightly disgusting to extremely disgusting.
What I think about just about any chick is, “You would look so cute with my penis in your mouth.”
I have an oversized tongue. It’s simply huge.
I love those meals ready to eat. My favorite part is the “Crackers, vegetable”.
2.7 Today Hunter tells me that he is going out on a date with his Mommy.
Dan’l: “Newly, you screwed me. I don’t necessarily know how yet, but I figure you did.”
Bro – Tony, this glue hair product, what does it do?
Tony – It’s glue.
Bro – I know what the container says, but what does it do?
Tony – It’s glue, Josh, it’s glue.
2.8 So from time to time I’ve started walking around with something all over my face, all over town, just for the priceless reactions.
2.9 Niki – Yeah, I can vag for that.
Rodgey and I found ourselves both cooking oatmeal simultaneously in the kitchen, and of course, we entwineded up linking arms and feeding one another oatmeal like a newlywed couple.
Nickie – Now Jeremy Mosher, he has attempted erotic pics of himself on facebook. That’s just, like, genuine duchebaggery.
Dan’l – This girl, she might be the one, Mark. She might be the one to fill my Friday night time slot.
Dan’l – Mark, I was just thinking about Josh, may he rest in peace until 4am every morning until his drill sergeant wakes him up.
My crotch, ladies, is a moveable feast, for any who cares to sit at the buffet.
And now, Dan’l, with a parody of PK’s classic explanation of my she beat Mark as a little boy. “Sonny, you didn’t come with a manual.” After I tore the clutch out of Josh’s Old Ranger, “Sonny, Mark, that truck, BroBro’s Old Ranger, it didn’t come with a manual.”
So I was in the Cheek Computer Lab, looking at some freaky weird nasty make-yer-living mother turn in her gravy horrible porn, and this weirdo dude beside me says, “Whatcha lookin at there?” and he wasn’t wearing any shoes. What a weirdo.
Niki’s friend Ben says I have dishonest eyes. Remarkably insightful.
I’m now wearing a “Self Love Waits” ring, which means that I’m not going to wait to masturbate until I get home. I will not masturbate in public anymore.
BroBro used to always be ending a story about him and Jason getting naked playing strip poker when the chicks still have all their clothes on, or having a blind date with internet chicks who turn out to be fat cows with the line, “And… we left with our dignity.”
Dan’l – Leann, why are you mad?
Leann – You’re always trying to make me mad.
Dan’l – No well, I know that if I try to make you mad on purpose, I can have more control over it, like foresters do with controlled burns.
I think Leann might think that Rodgey’s full name is “Youscrewedme Newly.”
Niki Eaton’s “The Nappening” was an event in which she and a friend slept at the Bear Paw all day and invited people to join her.
2.10 Dan’l – I don’t know what “Be a Fiji” mean?
Leann’s Roommate Brian – Why don’t you google it?
Dan’l – Well Brian, why don’t you go google your butt, and then see what happens.
Leann – Dan’l, your humor journal is full of lies.
Dan’l – Leann, my life is fulla lies. My card is American Express.
Rogde calls, I answer, “Newly, I want you inside me.”
Rodge – Dan, I’m watchin’ tv church and they just said that homosexuality is a sin.
John, one of Leann’s 2 hilarious roommates, continually watches for tow trucks outside. The man is simply bat crazy for catching tow trucks.
He is actually in a long-standing battle with Tow companies in general.
For no discernable reason, Chelsea Russell has been going around telling people we know in common that I got a girl pregnant, have a kid with her, and now wont have anything to do with her. Nice.
So Rodge got a plastic license plate from the Quapaw Casino that says he’s a native American, and now he wants to be called Chief Newly, Native American.
Dna’l – Rodge, you’re my #1 guy, now that Josh is gone.
I gotta start calling somebody “Crapcakes”.
2.11 Abbey called while I was hanging out with Leann, and I was quite brief with her.
Leann – Wow, you were so short with her. You really wanted to get offa the phone with her.
Dan’l – Yeah, she already used up all her minutes.
So after Nikey called my humility into question, I’m all, “I’m super humble. I’m the most humble of them all, better than everybody else at it. C’mon – let’s have a Humble Off. I bet I’m totally more humble than you.”
2.13 Dan’l – You probably screwed me, Newly.
Because of my basketball orneryness, a guy who played Earth Monster Basketball with me tonight said, “You are the antichrist of basketball”.
I walk into the Cheek computer lab, and I’m all, “Hey, what’s your rule on pornography on your computers?” to one of the lab attendance. “Against.”
SO in order to get things done in the Big House, I hafta always be citing Josh. I’ll be like, “Josh said he wanted me to drive his truck just before he left”, or, “Josh wanted me to date all his ladies for him.” And pretty much anything I want, I say, Josh wanted it this way.
I am an expert at introducing myself to people. I can, like, introduce myself to someone like 15 times, and it’ll still be fresh. I’m just really good at it. I do it all the time. And each time I somehow still come up with a way to reinvent myself.
Here’s some Mark-isms. “My thing is…” and then he goes off on some PK nag rant, or “What bothers me is…” and he’ll tell me how something I’m doing at the Big House bothers him, when it has nothing to do with him. Or, in a Danielesque manner very condescendingly say, “Really?” in response to something someone says. Here’s a good one. “I know it’s not my house, but it just bothers me. I don’t know why.”
Yep, now I knew it wasn’t going to work out with the Nickee chick when she said, “Penis size doesn’t really matter to me.”
After Knicky learned I like what the young gay people are calling “anal play”, this happened:
N’key – Doesn’t it just feel like you’re pooping?
Dan’l – It doesn’t just feel like I’m pooping. It feels like I’m pooping, in Heaven.
Nnehkie: If you weren’t completely insane, you’d be an alright guy.
Gnicce – I don’t take it in the butt, but I’m not boring.
My idea is, that if you’re good enough, you can break any rule out there. Any.
2.14 Is that a banana in your Pajambas, or are you just gay to see me?
When anyone asks what I’m doing these days, I tell ‘em “I’m on permanent vacation in Springfield, MO”.
2.16 What Carol Hutchinson (Rodge’s ex-lawyer) said his stance would probably be with women is “Once you go PK, you’ve gotta go gay.”
Rodge wants my trademark to be the fact that I constantly wear white cotton gloves,which he is going to provide.
2.17 Rodgey – Dan, I”ve got the bathroom warm for you so you so you can wash your privates. ‘Cause I figure, your privates deserve it. Your privates are as good as anybody.”
2.18 John, Leann’s roommate, says to me, “I always feel like I’m 10 steps behind when you’re around.”
If at any time you feel like you may be the victim of Dan’l –style justice, follow these rules: Never go out at night. Always walk with a buddy. Watch your back. Do not swim 30 minutes after eating. Be kind and rewind. Obey traffic sings. Tell an adult. Don’t get into cars with strangers.
Dan’l, at the big house: Rodge, I gotta find somethin’ to blow my nose on around here that isn’t you.
I keep looking at the people I pass on the sidewalk hoping the next one will be a hot chick, let down every time.
Connor, drawing, “I wanna make a circle, and 2 circles, and 1, 2, 3 circles.
Woman at the gas station, looking at my motorcycle permit, in which I struck a glamourshots pose, “Dang, are you a model? You need to be in an underwear ad or something.”
One reason I have for continuing my education is to STAY WARM IN THE WINTER! By living on campus, but not in a dorm room.
Rodge, explaining to me how much he needs the landline phone at the Big House, “Dan, I need that phone for my work, and I need the portable phone to take it to the bathroom where I do my other work.”
Rodgey, “Dan, I’m watching this “Bridges of Madison County” with Clint Eastwood. And since he’s in it, I’m assuming it’s an action-packed thrill ride. But I keep waitin’ and waiting, and the action hasn’t started yet.”
Leann, on the chocolate covered strawberries she’d just made, “It got glumpy.” I think that’s a combination of globby and lumpy.
Leann – John says he gives my butt 2 thumbs up.
Dan’l – You know what that means, Leann? He wants to stick two thumbs up your butt.
2.19 Rodge calls Leann “Leandria”.
Rodgey – Should I feed that cats tonight? Neh, they’ll still be hungry in the morning.
Angie – Connor, you’re 3 now. You’re not 2 anymore. You can’t be cryin’ all the time.
Conoor – I wanna be 2. I wanna cry.
Hunter – Somethin’ I don’t like about my mom anymore is that she took away half of my toys because my room wasn’t clean.
Dan’l: “Ok, Leann, d’you mean that for reallies, or for fakies?”
Rodge, taunting a llama as he was broke down net to its field: “OK, now we’re gonna find out.” And the llama clicked and spit at him as Rodge spit back.
Abbey keeps talking about herself as a metal monkey. Neat.
2.20 So I’ve put some thought into the reality of my daily dose of diarrhea, and I’ve decided that it just feels like vomiting out my butt every day.
2.21 PK had a mild stroke, and now, she says:
“Well, ya know.”
“Well, this is.”
“These greenbeans. These are terrible. They’re pretty bad.”
So at the emergency room, there are spots for Emergency Parking. And in that secion there are spots for Handicap Emergency Parking. And THAT has gotta suck. Being disabled, having an emergency, and having to operate a vehicle all the while.
Great question from my personality test at the Forest Institute: I like to go to parties and other affairs where there is lots of loud fun. And they kept using the made-up word “Oftener”. And “I get all the sympathy I should.” And “I am as attractive as most of my friends”.
More PK – “Yeah, it’s there.”
2.22 More psych questions, “Once a week or oftener, I become very excited.”
2.23 On the drive home from Memphis, I passed gas so many times that my flatulence was called “malicious’ by some.
2.24 And I saw 274 black people while in Memphis.
I’m always worried that someone’s gonna try to trick me by asking me bloated question.
Me trying to get everyone to feel good about the amount of gas I was having on the last half of the trip home (which was still an outrageous amount of gas), “You guys, you should be happy. I’ve been having less gas per mile than I had on the first half of the trip back.”
Rodge says the organ donor people at the VA Hospital are “always after me lucky organs”.
2.25 This is sad. Since Josh left, a huge percentage of moderately attractive to unattractive chubby women in Springifeld are short one beefcake to make out with.
Jeremy – Yeah, we’ve got 8 kids in my family. We’re always getting asked if we’re Amish or Catholic or Mormons.
Dan’l – Amish and Catholics and Mormons
Leann – Oh my.
Dan’l – Amish and Catholics and Mormons
Leann – Oh my.
On the drive back from Memphis, I got the motion sickness in the back of the van. So I’m all, “Jack – I’m either carsick,,, or vansick. I haven’t taken my temperature yet so I don’t know. I hafta either poop or vomit. I’ll know which in about 15 minutes.
Jeremy, seeing a chick who looks like his exgirlfriend, “It scared me, though, because she looked like my exgirlfriend, only Asian.”
If Scarfy, this guy on the Philosophy trip who was wearing scarf, caught someone pooping on his chest, he’d say, “What the fuck are you doing?” That’s all he’d do. He wouldn’t try to stop them.
The only clause that a woman has to meet in order for Clark (Scarfy) to go down on her is to wash down there.
Leann, on pink lady apples, - This apple has got to be a hybrid. God couldn’t make anything this good.
Hey, if you ever get to be a TA, bring a fake roll to call on the first day with hilarious names.
Dan’l, thinking about doing something bad to JoNathan on the PHI van before I tied his shoelace to the bar under the seat, “Yeah, he’s listening to headphones and reading a book at the same time. Has no idea what’s going on… I could pretty much rape him and he wouldn’t know it.”
Trying to move to the back of the van to sit by Leann by switching seats with Eryn, “Eryn, I’d like to offer you this prize package worth over one shotgun seat in the van”.
Noticing the one black person coming on the trip, “We’re gonna need that black person once we get to Memphis, d’ja know why, Jack?”
It is a woman’s natural impulse to bring a pillow on a road trip.
Seeing Jack arrive at school to drive the van on the PHI trip at 6am, “Jack, this is the 3rd time I’ve seen you today. First I had a dream about you, then I dreamt I woke up lying beside you in bed, but that was just a dream. And now I see you here. That story has a beginning, middle, and end.”
You know what? Never bring a knife to a pillow fight.
So I woke up at 5 this morning to evidently meet up with some Philosophy Department Zombies.
And then all Jeremy and JoNathan did was talk about zombies the entire trip.
I’d like to be able to say that pooping an ungodly amount didn’t alter my departure time today, but I couldn’t honestly say that.
My first response when Josh accused me of having a crush on our 2nd cousin was not to deny it, but was to say, “If you ruin this for me, I will kill you Bro.”
I hate waste. I took an entire year’s worth of notes for Geometry when I was a freshman in High school on one page.
Leann – I don’t see how you can see your car doors locked, and feel them locked, and still hafta KEEP checking them.
Dan’l – I doubt most of my senses, Leann. Only think I don’t doubt, is my sense of humor.
From time to time, Leann will go on about the Watowtow Children’s ministry. Wa tow tow.
2.26 I think I’d be a lot more likely to get on the internet if it was made of rubber and shaped like a phallus.
Man, I gotta stop asking women if they’d like to jump on my pogostick.
3.8: Hello, my name is Dan’l and I’m a single retired widow who has recently lost her husband. Since my husband died I’ve lived alone in Redundant Beach, CA.
I plan on going to Jeremy’s Sin City party with a copy of that old computer game “Sim City” and a confused air about me.
Danl, on Dan’l and Jeremy: There’s nothing overtly masculine about either of us.
I’d be thinking about writing “The Passion Fruit Play” if the idea wasn’t so lame.
After I hafta sit in class every Tuesday and Thursday listening to instructors for 3 ¾ hours without being able to talk a lot, I just hafta go off somewhere and just start talkin’ for hours without any meaning or audience.
Me, talking to PK, as she is getting her ability to speak a coupla words and make sounds back, “You remind me of Helen Keller.”
I’m not drunk. I’m just a skank.
3.9 OK Dan’l, how many pictures of monkeys did you submit to lookalikes.com to see if they would show you a list of appropriate black people?
3.10 John Grant’s word for choad = “grundle”. Other acceptable answers would have been “taint”, ”seam”, and “paranium”.
I had to wash myself in the African Style today, which is to say, just the pits and buttcrotch. It’s what used to be referring to as an “inward bath”.
PK’s most overused phrase in the last week since her second stroke: “I, I. I. I, I.”
3.11 I been looking at the resources I have available, and it looks like it would be beneficial for me to invent some sorta machine that runs on dirty clothes.
What I’m claiming these days is that Nick Orf started Varsity Earth Monster Basketball as a freshman.
After one of the hilarious black drill sergeants said something humorous, Bro says, “Permission to laugh, sir”. And the Drill Sargeant says, “NO! You don’t have permission to laugh.
Dan’l New’ll, King of Josh Land.
Ok so instead of letting Bro ride up to his room alone when he dumped him off at the army in Kansas City, here’s how it should have gone:
Bro – Well, I don’t want things to get sad, so I’m gonna go.
Dan’l – Alright. Be safe. I’ll miss you, Bro.
(Bro gets in the elevator, rides it up to the 11th floor. Gets out of the elevator, turns, and there I’m standing)
Dan’l – You really did think it’d be that easy, did you? (And then I should have attached myself to him in a way that he couldn’t remove me.)
3.12 Mark found some tranny porn in my room. And freaked out. SO I had to put those trannies into context. I had to put those trannies into sexy context.
One thing I used to do and am glad I don’t do anymore, is, instead of saying “context” in sitations, I’d say “Cotex”.
Mark thinks about pulling up to someone else’s mailbox, and putting his outgoing mail in it. Using theirs instead of his. He’s though about it. Never done it.
My native American name is, appropriately, “Runs with Boner.”
Recently, Leann and I were disgussing which guys in my grade from High School would’ve made hot trannies. I mentioned Justin Strodman or Jacob Perry. Then Leann said she thought Teresa Sanchez would’ve made a good tranny.
So JoNathan and I have agreed that if the Humor Journal 4 ever comes up missing again, even for a moment, it will be my first act to kill him. Without looking for the Humor Journal any. Therefore, he is the unofficial guardian for the Humor Journals.
Mark, in complete earnest, “Dan, y’know what would really complete your look? One of these cell phone ear pieces.” Stinking piece of crap.
Prison Break was not on tonight. So Abbey ended up yelling at the television, with no one else around.
Dan’l – Jeremy, it looks like all your ex-girlfriends seem to like you. I think mine probably use my name as a cuss word.
In high school, senior year, I once spent an entire afternoon throwing an old nasty blanket I’d found in the lost and found or dug outta the trash over Travis Hecox’s head as he was talking to other people, over and over.
Dan’l – So it turned out that the Humor Journal 4 was stolen, by this guy I know.
Angie – Why’d he steal it?
Dan’l – Humor. He thought it’d be funny.
Ok, so did Connor really call Nichols Street “Nipple Treat”?
Ok, so here’s the unabridged version of my upcoming 5th standup routine:
Now, I’m not gay, but man if I was, I would totally gay date Ryan Philippe, from the Crash movie. Yeah, that boy just glows. He’s pretty like a girl. And if I was gay that’s what I would want – a dude who looks like a chick, because I like chicks. Or I’d date that Jim Caviesel. Is that pronounced like it rhymes with weezel? From Passion of the Christ. When I watched that movie, I totally had a groin passion for that Christ. And think about that, being able to tell yer friends – I just had sex – with Jesus. Holy crap man. Holy crap. And even if it didn’t get that far on the first coupla dates it would still be awesome cool because you could still tell your friends – Hey, I was just second basin it… with Jesus. But yeah, Jesus, he seems like the kinda guy who wouldn’t put out early in relationships. This guy has long-term written all over him.
3.16 Book of Dan’l: When I die, I want people to say, “That guy, he got a lot more than he ever paid.”
3.24 Back from the New York City Trip. Yeah right, more like, Jew York City.
So, I lost my backpack in NYC, of course. Because that’s what I do, I lose things.
Hey, so how would Rodgey pronounce the word Seagull, “Sigle”? I dunno.
There was a sign at Laguardia that read “baggagge”. But I Think I know what they meant.
Leann saw a rat pop out from an abandoned shoe on the subway tracks in New York.
At the museum of sex, we learned that people who are very sexually conservative are called “vanilla”. Leann is one of these straight-laced individuals. Why, she doesn’t even like to think that she has sexual organs at all. I once upset her quite a bit by remind her that she does, in fact, have a vagina.
Ok, my new triathlon idea is “The Lazy Man’s Triathlon”, featuring competitions in the three time-consuming events of sleeping, masturbating, and eating.
Consider, if you will, how sucky Adrian’s life has been lately: Josh leaves her and she knows not why or for how long, Rodge does the same, and then I leave her, still the same. Man that bitch is probably considering suicide.
The New Yorkian accent gives people rude voices.
Every street corner that had an overhead pipe, or scaffolding, or a brace for iron work in NYC, I’d say to Leann, “Hey, I could do pullups here”. And then I would.
That Adrian, she’s a gravy train bitch.
Leann was a woose a total of 25 times during the NY trip, for reasons such as: Being too cold, being too hot, not wanting to use the blanket the apartment manager gave to us for fear of I don’t know what, wanting to watch each grape she ate individually, having a phobia of yogurt on or near her, and more!
Leann has no conscious when walking in public amongst a large group of people. She’ll walk right into somebody if they’re not watching where they’re going. She’s always playing chicken with somebody, when they don’t even know it. Watch out for her.
Idiosyncratic Leann: She constantly veers left when she’s walking. Watch out for her.
She spent several hours on the New York trip finding this mole on her face. Watch out for her.
She passed gas loudly three times in a two day period on the trip.
There are no gas stations in NYC. The cars must run on the fumes of all the city’s other pollutants.
One day, Leann guaranteed me that she was going ot get mad at me that day. I told her she probably would get mad at me, for some reason, knowing her. And that made her pretty mad.
Dan’l – Rodge, we’ve both been gone from the Big House, and you should see how Adrian had redecorated the place.
Often on the trip I would catch Leann just eating and eating, with no regard to what it was or saving any for later. She wouldn’t even let the food stay in her mouth long enough to taste it. She ate at least seven containers of peanut butter within the first day of the trip. She experienced the full gamut of PB options: From Skippy to Jif to Peter Pan and back.
3.25 No, I don’t have any memories of Leann from the New York trip in which she’s not eating peanut butter. Watch out for her.
Boy it sure was nice spending the last week masturbating in my home residence all day in a different town.
On the NYC Trip, I spent a lot of my time photographing the homeless.
I tracked a Hesidic Jew for several city blocks one day., trying to photograph him.
Another one of Leann’s idiosyncrasies is that she sucks at spades. And most any card game, really.
Man I hate the boyfriend trouser. I really do. It was way overadvertised in New York.
In NYC, I only saw 7 hot women on the first day, 11 on the second, 35 on the third, 20 on the fourth. After that, I lost count. But there weren’t enough. There’s never enough. And I was the hottest guy there.
3.26 Poor Humor Journal 4 and a half…. Out there on an M60 Bus near Laguardia, lost in New York. That was an awful movie, home alone 2, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
Another of Leann’s idiosyncrasies! She sings constantly. She is, in reality, a juke box. And she cant control it. She was “weird-Al-ing” it all week making up her own words to old tunes. And I just hadta tell ‘er that just wasn’t funny.
What? Stigmata on DVD? No, not my brother… he’s better than that. He wouldn’t own a movie like that. Nothing against the movie, it’s just, well, it’s not the kind of movie that you see and then go out and say, “I hafta own this. I hafta have access to it 24 hours a day.”
The Previous entry uses a line I gave when I heard BroBro was dating Summer Stokes, because I thought he was too pretty for her. “No. Not MY brother.”
Mark just told me how a car’s gears work. He blinded me, with science. He blinded me with Science.
Connor was crying the other day, and here’s why, “I gave bubba the ball and he was taking it from me.” and Hunter responded, “That doesn’t make any sense, Connor.”
Guy in NYC, on the phone, “Aye Joey, I need ya ta owdra some mowrda.”
Mark says he just spotted a grounddragger, a Big Jake. I think he’s hallucinating.
Every year, when winter break comes, my body gets concerned that I don’t have enough to worry about without school work and all, so it goes ahead and gets really sick, so I have something to think about.
One day in NYC, Leann and I had split up, and I got to wondering what she was doing at the time, and I assumed that she was sitting on a Subway train, smiling, not knowing where she’s going, probably Queens.
Oh, look there’s another Duane Reade.
There is an epidemic of Shaggy dogs and the people who walk around cleaning up after those in NYC.
So Leann’s natural gear, when she’s not talking or entertaining, features kind of a sour expression on her face. Or it is a face blank of all emotion and caring.
Dang. The subway advertisements really started to affect me. Right when I got home, I bought tickets for Blades of Glory, and The Reaping, even though they showed at the same time, and I bought those Tylenol laser pills, joined the freelancers union, where people are gay people, people who want gay people and people are looking for people who want gay people, and I’m drinking pomegranate juice, I want to make millions having Fitzgerald and Fitzgerald as lawyers, I’m wearing Rocawear Jeans for women, I went to the English Language Institute, and I’m cheating on New York with Springfield, or anywhere that Delta flies.
It’s weird shopping somewhere other than the Super P.
Huh. There’s another Duane Reade.
Turns out I would pay $ to use facebook. A lot of money.
Throughout the trip, Leann was constantly accusing me of one thing or another. One morning I woke to her blaming me for eating all her granola bars. Which were setting right in front of her. I don’t know how long the granola bars had been sitting in front of her, I don’t know who long she’d been blaming me for their absence.
Oh look, there’s another Duane Reade.
Something Leann does often that I’d never noticed before, is to go into a store, like Duane Reade, to buy some items we desperately need, like toilet paper or water, pick them up, stand there with the items in her hands for 10 minutes or so, then put theitems back saying she’ll buy it later.
Here’s how Leann talks to me: “Fart. Fart fart farty fart fart fart. Burp.” She knows I just love those words.
It was so good, like I said, to be masturbating all week where I lived, in a different town. I love vacationing.
Mark just put it into words. Josh is the phsycial embodiment of fun.
Also, I don’t think I can have a visit with Mark without him mentioning his dreams of living in a refrigerated trailer with his family. It’s insulated. You’ve got a diesel engine on it you can make electricity with.
Years back Mark walked in on Rodge and Josh, in the kitchen, when Josh had the absess on the inside of his butt crack, and Rodge was holding a knife, a spoon, and an egg whisk. Ready to operate. To dig it out. Bro: “I understand the knife, and maybe the spoon… but what’s with the whisk?”
Oh man I hate the Boyfriend Trouser. Man.
Now here’s an interesting rendition of my name, brought to you by the good people at Walgreens, and the fact that I often tell people that my last name is spelled N-E-W-E-Double L. And that is what I get, Newewl.
Connor – But I wanna play Pink Pong.
Mark and Josh once came upon a goose running free in Campbell 16 Cine, Josh moved behind Mark, scared, saying, “Mark, you get that goose away form me. It freaks me out.” So Mark chased and caught the goose and carried it with him all day until he freed it at Mike Scott’s house and then at a duck pond. He was seen all about town holding a goose by the neck.
Leann can find what’s funny about any given situation and explain it to you in a humorous way.
Dan’l, at the Colbert Report, waiting for tickets: If you could just tell me Mr. Colbert that if I could just touch the hem of his garment, I would be healed.
Daniel, on the subway, sanding, addressing 3 men his age, “Oh, so none of you young men are going to offer your seat to me? Hmm.”
So a guy, who was not funny, tried to sell me discount coupons on Times Square to Comedy shows:
Guy – Hey, d’you guys like to laugh?
Dan’l – No. That’s a silly question.
Guy - Well d’you like to drink?
Dan’l – No. I’m on a solids only diet.
Guy – Oh. Well, let me tell ya about this deal I’m offering. It only costs $20.
Dan’l – I’m sorry, we’re from Missouri. Pelts are the only currency I deal in. D’ya wanna see a nice coon skin? I could also pay you in casino tokens.
Guy – Oh. You guys ever heard of Seinfeld?
Dan’l – D’you consider yourself a panhandler? Here, let me try to get some money from you.
Guy – So how are you guys doing today?
Dan’l – This is a woman (pointing to Leann) We are not two guys. How am I dong? I’ve got a little headache, slight sore throat, some lower back pain. No one ever expects an actual real answer to that question, you know.
Guy – I think I’ve heard that bit before, whose is it?
Dan’l – Comic named Dan’l. You should be selling tickets for people to see HIM.
Woman tries to hand me a flyer, and I just scream.
Leann noticed an idiosyncrasy I have, which is, anytime I take a piece of bread from a bread bag, I take one bit of it before I make my sandwich. I’m like Shoeshine Boy.
When Leann and I would tell people we were from Missouri, they would look at us as though we were furry woodland creatures.
Note: Leann will often spontaneously fall over for no apparent reason.
We were only in NYC for 30 seconds and we saw trannies. They were wearing plaid skirts and they had bagpipes.
I learned on this trip that, Leann longs to pay $10 for coupons to comedy shows that she has no intention of going to.
The apartment manager we rented from in NYC, Charles, had an apartment he lived in that smelled like rotting food or person.
23.27 So was the souvenir Abbey brought back for me from Portland last year VD?
Aderan keeps playing that same old tune. Y’know, the one where she rips open the garbage bag and strews trash everywhere.
I think I’m gonna teach Adrian how to be a valuable member of society.
Instead of bread crumbs, I evidently leave a trails of my belongings wherever I go.
Man, I don’t know who that Duane Reade is, but he sure does have a lot of locations.
So Leann stuck her index finger in my butt, poked it really, and expected me to not like it. Heh. So I backed it up. Then she put my phone antennae in there. But she wants me to stress that she didn’t do so to be freaky. She did so to try and hurt me. Nice try, Leann. My butt can only feel pleasure.
Leann – You only usually show emotion when you’re laughing at something you’ve said, or when you’re making fun of somebody. But when you’re wrastlin’, your genuinely happy. It’s like a scared, expectant happiness.
Leann is always talking loudly in public about someone who is sitting right near her, and she never thinks they can hear her.
One morning, Leann spent 30 minutes fingering this mole on her face, as I looked on. Ugh.
I hadta spend one week with the Human Juke Box that is Leann.
Leann says that traveling with me is like travling with a little kid. I got yogurt all over her luggage. I got yellow pant all over her car. She had to hold my hand on the plane.
Man, I just love that new MTV show, “Pimp my prostitute”.
I’ve been sitting up tonight thinking, in the lyrics for Toto’s “Rain down in Africa” song, they sing “there’s nothing that a hundred men or more cannot do.” What… the fuck… does that mean.
3.29 After listening to Leann list several points to an argument she was explaining, using the phrase, “my big thing is…”, I interrupted, “My big thing is my penis.”
There is, an ungoshly amount of testosterone pumping through the veins of many women in my ENG 625 class. This includes Amber Luce, who might be on the ‘roids, J Derryberry – who has attempted numerous times to knock me off and become the alpha male, and Leslie D. Troll – whose external genitalia has poked out a coupla times in class.
Man, if I was David Gross, with my laptop in class, I’d be looking at porn… or at least reading erotic stories.. or at least thinking about it.
From the Humor Journal 4.5 New’ll York – Day 1: We haven’t even started the trip, and I’m tired of Leann. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it now.
Day 0 – I think Leann planned on sleeping through the entire trip. Woose.
Day 1 – I may well have to kill Leann.
Leann got grossed out at the Museum of Sex watching 2 gay guys pump each other in the Rear Admiral. Woose.
I am, honestly annoyed by one fourth of the people in my ENG 625 class.
Leann wouldn’t wait in line to go to the Statue of Liberty. Woose.
If I were to close my eyes, and listen in my ENG 625 class to, like one of those butchies talk, say Amber Luce, I would think it was a dude. I for reallies would.
Ooo, Luce, Troll, and Jay derryberry – The Butchettes.
Lately if anything bad happens to me, I go back and blame it on JoNathan.
I like to start whispering on the telephone, it makes me feel like everything I say is sneaky, and important.
Hunter asked who Aunt Renee is, and I answered, “That’s the Renee that our Renee is renamed after.”
Mark ends every phone conversation with, “Ok, lemme call you right back”. Whether he’s gonna call you right back or not. Usually he’s not.
Rodge, on the weather conditions in Nevada: It’s been rainin’ out here, but it’s a dry rain.
Connor, after being told to go to sleep, “But I don’t wanna go beddy-night.”
Here’s how I’m gonna start writing my return address on letters I send:
123 Main St.
Anytown, USA 54321
I think Mark and I need to take shots of cinnamon, which is the devil’s spice, and see who can take more.
Rodgey got in trouble at a restaurant with a waiter, after he took his shoes off.
I found a business card of Rodgey’s that said “Roger’s Landscaping.” What… the Hell is that, Newly?
Here is a rendition of Rodgey’s Billboard that appeared on I-44 between West Bypass and Kansas for several years:
Firewood, Bricks, railroad ties, Filldirt, concrete blocks, demolition, Topsoil, Red Dirt, Black dirt, lumber, Foundation Rock, bedrock, excavating, used materials, septic tanks dug, Junk cars, mobil homes, Hazardous waste removal, Hay. Call Jeff at 865-9678 Before you Pay too much.
3.30 Holy crap. I’ve gotta start going by the pseudonym Alan Wrench.
Outside Tombstone, AZ, Rodgey stopped at a small park he’s now calling the Baby Grand Canyon.
“Y’know what? I’ve never sent a text message before in my life. And I’m not gonna start tonight.
3.31 I think a lot of times when Mark is thinkin’ about me, he’s thinkin’, “Pitiful. Pitiful.” And shaking his head.
When Bro Josh joined the army, both he and his dog went through rapid weight loss plans.
When Ole Sweet (Rodgey) goes out to buy groceries, these are the items he buys every time whether we’ve already got a cabinet full of them or not: Canned hominy, liquid tomato, pink salmon, corned beef, huge amounts of canned plums and olives, ovaltine, bulk amounts of Heinz 57 sauce and chocolate flavorite syrup and sourcraut, sliced beets, manqich, sardines, luncheon meat, and beef broth.
At the Big House, Rodge and I will often be screwing each other, eating one another’s food at the same time.
So Leann broke up with me the other day and now she won’t admit it. And she keeps saying that I wanted to break up with her, and she keeps rubbin’ it in my face, like a big cock.
At Walmarts, they didn’t have all the products I wanted so I’m all, “This is tickin’ me off. This is tickin’ my pants off.”
Heh, that makes me think, if someone tickles you to the point where you’re mad at them, they’ve tickled you off.
Dan’l – You broke up with me, Leann. And you can’t take it back now or say that you didn’t. Because if you didn’t break up with me then I’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.
Leann, the fact that you broke up with me, it’s tearing up my innerds.
Rodney and I played basketball at Hammons Student Center yesterday where they were setting up for the Gaither Vocal Band performance, and one of them (The Gaithers ) rolled over to our courts on a three wheeled scooter, really weird like, and says, “What’s over here?” So Rodney’s all, “We should go Steve Irwin on that guy… start stalking him around, and be all, “Watch me sneak up on this Gaither. He’s a lively one, he is.”
I give Adrian my yogurt container… she grabs it and retreats into darkness.
So I had gas while riding on my moped, and I found myself wondering, “Hey, that was warm. Wonder what it smelled like.” Fantastic.
Y’know what wouldn’t work with Adrian? One of those self-feeders. She’d abuse it and founder.
I’m sure, like if yer a baby bird and you’ve just hatched, it’s probably pretty embarrassing to like, have part of the shell still stick to your face without knowing it. And be all, “Boy do I have egg all over my face this time.
Holy carpel tunnel syndrome, Im running outta funny. Here’s what – I’ve lost Chloe, Emilar, Brian, Mark Barger, Rodgey, BroBro, and PK. That’s all the funny ones. Horrible. But wait, there’s still Mark. But, he thinks all humor should come from funny videos on Channel 33. I guess I’ve still got Connor and Hunter for humor. But Connor spends much of his energy on crying as much as possible. And then there’s Leann: Part time hilarious, part time woose. I had no idea I’d lost that many entertainers. Dang. Well, I still got Adrian, and my giant brains.
Looks like there’s a high school FFA meeting on campus today. And wouldn’t ya know it, I found myself out there comparing belt buckle sizes with a buncha guys.
One time speaking about how Rodgey had always cheated on PK, I tried to convince Abbey that I was genetically predisposed to cheat on her. That it was simply in my blood to do so. Like most of my ideas, she didn’t go for it.
The other day I almost ended up using Nair to masturbate with in instead of my usual lotion. Boy would my penis have been red. Would’ve burned pretty bad. But probably wouldn’t have stopped me.
So now I call it a “Homoped” when I give gay guys rides on my moped.
The other day this chick had her shirt rolled up her back, tucked into the bottom of her bra,,, and I hadta go home and masturbate about that.
Working out, I haven’t changed into gym clothes in like, years. I’ve totally streamlined the workout process. And I’m a bit of a scavenger in all my workouts, using whatever old equipment isn’t being used at that time.
Today, it was awful. I went to go to yoga class, and my class was filled with preschool ballerinas. Have I been taking Ballet for toddlers without knowing it?
Ok, so, Lanie. Jeremy Mosher, or “Jeremosher”, says she’s hot. But off the record, although I DID try to get her to realize she should worship me, I think she lacks a lot of the integral parts that go into making a hot chick – like an attractive face, or a nice body.
I’ve been impressing all my women lately with the amount of penises that I draw. Impressing them negatively.
So in Boot Camp, Josh, camping in a big tent with a buncha guys, lying in his tighty whities, flopped his testes out and started playin’ with ‘em. BOOM! A flash light comes on his face.
“Newell… what… the fuck… are you doin’?”
“Uh. Nothing Drill Seargeant.”
“Stop playing…with… your nuts.”
4.5 So ole BroJosh got in trouble in Boot Camp for passing gas. He had to do pushups. Bad choice of punishment – pushups give him gas.
From a mind exercise: how come you never hear about grizzled young men? He bent a spoon with his mind… via his hands. So I hoped with all my might. She shivered through the night to the times of today’s hottest hits. He was found in his home, overdressed, smoking assorted meats. I went out in a flurry of handshakes and baby kisses. The man blinked, viciously. He was often seen carrying a cat he refused to acknowledge as his own. The man came at me with a mouthful of cuss words. An intense, climactic calm.
Why do they hafta specify, on certain sheet music, that it be played with wild abandon? I’d like to hear music played with controlled abandon.
New York City gave me a headache. A nightly headache.
I need to take a picture of me flushing 4 Queens.
4.6 Army guy at the key gate at Ft. Sill, as Rodgey pulls up in his trash can/hideabed station wagon with his underwear drying on the dash, “Are you for real?”
Rodgey: “Well, I sold some land, and yeah, my plan was to go to Las Vegas with the $10,000 and launder that money and lose it. Now I’m coming back with like 5-7 thousand. I’ve been stroking my genius.”
Driving home from Ft. Sill with Rodge in the back, I decided I hadta deliver him out of Casino Country before I woke him up. I just made sense.
So now PK replaces every proper noun she’s attempting to say with “Daniel”. That woman has got Daniel on the brain.
4.7 Rodgey – “Dan, I’m sorry you’re a disappointment. I’m sorry you’ve let the house go to ruin since I’ve been gone. “
Bro, seeing me for the first time at Fort Sill, “Hey Bro, what’s with the Jackie O. glasses?”
Rodgye – Tom and I are at that age where we can hide our own Easter Eggs.
Rodgey, lying in the back of the station wagon, lazy, not wanting to get up, “Ok I might just crap in a paper and roll it up in my bed and hand it to you to give to somebody if that’s ok with you. If you’re ok with this.”
Rodge rolls down the window in the car. And I’m all, “We’ve lost cabin pressure!”
Dn’l – Rodge, on my moped, I get 80 miles to the gallon.
Rodge – It’s too dangerous.
Dan’l – But 80 miles to the gallon!
Rodge – Yeah, we’ll put that on your tombstone – He got 80 miles to the gallon.
Rodge – Dan, we’re Hellicascootin’.
Rodge – I’ve peed my pants a little bit in every state of the union.
So I’m checking out a chick at Walmart, Bro looks over at her, says, “I’m in.”
Rodge – I wanna bring the military back down to crush the Indian again. Because they’re casinos are smoky and they’re not paying the right odds.
Rodgey spent all week following Josh’s platoon around, and people kept thinking, “Santa Claus is stalking us.”
This new size of Bro since he lost a ton of weight (not literally) during basic training… this is more my size. I think I could take ‘em.
So I poured out a buncha old urine at the big house, and it reminded me of PK crotch smell.
4.9 When visiting PK at any of her hospital rooms since her first stroke, I constantly raid the “patients only” kitchen, eating all the ice cream I can. Constantly.
I’m sorry, flomax, but I really wanna spend MORE time in the men’s room and LESS time having fun.
Yeah, a handicapped Sherrif, that’s a great idea.
So Rodgey’s been walking around all day with a rifle in his hands. That is interesting.
Leann made fun of this chick I like, saying she had a pooch. But then I’m all, “I’d do ‘er in the pooch.”
Leann just won’t let it go, how big her ex-boyfriend David’s arms were. She’s just like, “all you can see is his arms, they’re so big, you cant even see the rest of him. They are so huge and they’re bigger than yours. Seriously….” And in truth, I don’t believe David even has any arms.
So today, posing as a married couple, Jessica Landis and I looked at buying a $400,000 hispanic-style house. It was, fun. Dan’l: “Oh, this room would be great for your plants…”
4.10 My response to James Woodland when he asked what to write in a letter of recommendation, “Maybe remark on my impeccable classroom demeaner, ability to match ties and shoe combos, the fact that I am dashing in the sense of both adjective and verb, will roundedness, scratch that – complete roundedness. Convince the TA committee that I am perfectly spherical.
4.11 Ah yes, soma Leann’s best mispronunciations in New York were – Stay-10 Island, and Greenwitch Village.
4.12 Hey what is going on with all my black professors? Johnny Washington and Dave Donkor both use the students’ computer labs on a regular basis. Why? I never see any other instructors but them using the Student Computer labs. Huh. These guys have got to be missing out on something.
So do gay guys get STD’s just in the anus? Like, “I’ve got butt crabs. Dang.”
So with this new Icon job, I could make up to $50 a week.
After hearing that Josh joined the army, JMac responded, “I always knew he was gonna kill somebody.”
Just saw a group of students at MOState carrying surveying equipment, and that mde me wonder, is there a course on surveying history in the United States over the last hundred years, like a survey of Surveying.
John calls the skanky commercial street Price Cutter grocery store by his house the “Crack Cutter”.
Leann says, “Posed” instead of “supposed”.
Leann, talking to John about “King Kong” – Don’t ruin the end for me, John.
Dan’l, interrupting – Give me a chance, and I’ll ruin your end, Leann.
4.13 Dan’l, on myspace walls, “You’re not gonna believe it, I filled out this random survey, and signed up for some offers, and I got free human slaves.
So Icon’s got this, like, drum and bucket corp they’re pretty proud of. It’s a rip-off mixture of stomp and the Blue Man Group. I call them the Bucket Boys.
Working at ICON, I have the certainist feeling that a lot of women are going to betting the “Creepy Dan’l stare”.
After being told at ICON to carry a mop bucket, I recognized that from all my job experience, I hae a long-standing contempt for mop buckets.
First night at ICON: Tonight I follow in Josh’s skanky footsteps.
I’m like a performance artist when I’m in a romantic relationship. It’s like, I like the group I’m in, sure, but I’m always experimenting pushing the boundaries, doing duets with numerous other partners, and working on solo projects. I’m an artist.
Leann always complains, like a whiner, how I come over to her house and get right on the computer for a long time and pay her no attention. Which I do. So I parodied it, like I do, with is, “No. Leann, no, you can’t get on my heating pad. Every time you come over to my house, you get right on my heating pad, and you stay there. It’s like you’re not even here to spend time with me, you’re here to get on the heating pad.”
Back when I was apartment manager on Jefferson, I streamlined the process: I stopped showing apartments and collecting rent and answering calls. It was apartment management, without the hassle.
With Tessa, at my psych counseling, “Tessandra, you don’t mind if I use your full-fake name I just made up, do ya?”
How come every time I get a medical examination somebody writes on there: Hygeine was fair in a manner than seems to be a slight knock to my cleanliness. What d’ya hafta do to get “good” or “pleasant” on one of these things – use a loofah?
Where you from? Boystown, Boystate.
So I’ve decided to grow out my pubic hair for Locks of Love again.
In a phone conversation with Mark while he’s in North Caroline and Rodgey’s outta town, he tells me that I’m in charge now. And I think if Adrian coulda got on the phone, he would’ve told HER that.
Ok I guess I’m gonna start telling people my phone number starts with a “0”.
Drill Sergeant to Josh about Rodgey, “Your father… he lives… in that station wagon…doesn’t he.’”
Bro – No, he’s just been on a monthlong gambling trip in Las Vegas.
DS – Why doesn’t… he get… a Winnebago?
Bro – That would cost too much.
DS- But he has money… to go gambling.. for a month.. in his station wagon… You’re gonna be just like him.
So I signed up for free fax sending for a month, and first thing I did was send leann a fax of facts. Some important facts. And then she never received it, meaning it was a faux fax. I think she’s gonna send me a fax about fags.
Dan’l, at the Skinny Improv, asked to throw out things that you could buy with your tax return, “a middle eastern bride”, “dignity”.
4.14 Today Rodgey’s on the manic upswing of his depressiveness. He say, “Dan, do you ever feel the desire… for cornbeaf and cabbage?”
Aderan ate her last living puppy. Rodge claims she was just carrying the puppy to a new home.
Dan’l – Yeah, a new home in doggy heaven.
Rodgey – Is PK going to doggy heaven?
Rodgey – There’s a whole lotta people like me in Laughlin, Nevada. They all want free, cheap stuff. And they’ve all got their pants pulled up to their nipples. And they want the three dollar all you can eat.
27 times today, Rodge used the phrase, or a derivation of, “Josh is sure as hell fighing for us over there.”
Hunter, to Angie, “Mommy, from now on, I’m going to be guying things on the internet from time to time.”
Rodgey today, after we’ve lived together for about 3 months, “Dan, d’you still live on Jefferson Street?”
Rodge saw a picture of a coconut on TV. And now all he can talk about is Ku Ku nut. Ku Ku nut… and he’s off to get a coconut.
Rodgey was cooking something in a giant pot with numerous glass jars in it.
He wants to visit PK at the hospital. He’s … inappropriate. He says all he wants is closure.
I think a trip to NYC would be totally different if you went with someone you really like.
So Rodge explains that it was a gay guy who told him to put his shoes on, then Rodge offended him, probably in classic fashion, and then he walked saucily way.
So Adrian’s been dining on all you can eat puppies. Rodgey claims that the bad thing happened to the puppy because I named him. And it’s bad to name ‘em. “You can only Name ‘em when you’ve got ‘em in the sale barn. Right before you sell ‘em. Then you can give ‘em a name.
Dan’l – Are dogs the same as cattle?
Dan’l – Yeah, and children, too. If it were my choice, I wouldn’t have named any of the kids. Well I might have named you guys Norris, an old Newell family name. But PK wouldn’t stand for the Norris Treatment.
With a few well-placed references, I’ve successfully got Rodgey having nightmares about Greg Campbell.
I’ve decided that mooching is the only sustainable lifestyle.
In life, I’m just trying to get a square shake.
I offered Rodge some ribs, and this happened: “Dan, I dunno if I could. It’s got too much sauce on it. It’s so sweet… Ok, I’ll try it. But couldja put a little more sauce on it for me?”
Abbey and I had two different definitions for Hot Yoga. Hers was in reference to Bickram Yoga at 120 degrees: Sweatville. Mine just means that at least one attractive woman is in my yoga class for me to stare at the entire time.
Hypotheticall Josh, from the latter era when Jason was living at the Big House, “I keep waitin’ for Jason’s testicles to drop… ain’t happenin’.”
This TVangelist chick just said, “God is gonna pull us into a huddle” about 100 times in 30 minutes.
4.15 The rap song, “This is why I’m hot…” now, for that song to have any conversational relevance whatsoever, someone hadta ask that rapper at some point, “Hey, why are you hot?”
4.16 Maybe I act out a lot beuase I didn’t receive enough butt love as a child.
Gay Larry invited me to dinner, where I think he planned on giving me a San Francisco treat in the rear.
Rodge – Would I be wrong…
Dan’l – Yes.
Dan’l – Ok. Ok, I can handle that.
Rodge – “Dan, I sure as HELL cooked you breakfast this morning.”
Rodge – Dan, I’m sure was Hell trying to find you something good to watch on TV.
Dan’l – Rodge, your sure as Hell saying “Sure as Hell”, a lot.
Rodge – Dan, you gotta help guard Adrian and Robert from beyond the grave. She sure as Hell is guarding you late at night.
Ok, so there’s this love triangle. John likes Leann, Leann likes me, and I like myself. I guess, Well I guess it’s more of a love cul-de-sec.
GrammaMom, after her eye surgery, “There’s some pressure behind my rectum.”
Rodge – Mark doesn’t appreciate me enough. And I sure as Hell saved his stupid dog from going thirsty. I sure as Hell did.
Rodgey: (On the phone) “Dan!!”
Dan’l: “Who IS this? PK?
Rodge – “YOU KNOW… who this isn’t…”
Rodge – “Dan, I like the cut of your jibberish.”
Rodge has started responding to all sorts of stuff I do with, “Dan, give me that. I want that. G’m that.” I’ll be listening to music… “Dan, what’re you listening to? I want that.” or reading a book, “Gme that book, Dan. Give it to me.” He’s so gluttonous.
Crazy Rodge, responding to a piece of mail from Scott Payne, the country revenuer (in writing) “Scott Payne, I wont pay you anymore vehicle taxes so don’t bill me for any. I can pay these taxes in any county or in any state I choose. I choose to fire you as my tax collector/representative due to poor service in the past, etc. J.Newell. P.S. Thank you for your personal interest in my exwife and divorce.”
Stinkin’ piece of crap penis – any time theres’s even the slightest itch on my penis or anything I freak out about STD’s.
Rodgey got a little itchy-twitchy from the Hottub at the Y the other day. And then he got a little “itchy-twitchy bitchy” complainin about it. After I asked Rodge about some raw sewage he’d mentioned in an anecdote, he remarked, “Coulda been cooked sewage, I guess.”
Classic Rodge, riding side-saddle on the electric cart at the grocery store, with a meaningless scowl on his face. And all I can see from several aisles away is the top of his furry woman’s hat over the short shelves.
Listening to Radio… “And our new leader in Iraq, who we trust to get this whole situation straightened out, General David Betrayvis”… Rodge- “Betray us!?! No, that cant be the best choice.”
So Leann has this small “perfect man” doll who I like to quote a lot that has some memorable phrases when you press a button on him, including, “Why don’t you just relax. Let me make dinner tonight.”
“You take the remote. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care what we watch.”
“Really, I’m not sure WHICH way to go. I’m gonna pull over and ask for directions.”
“Let’s just cuddle tonight”
“The ballgame really isn’t THAT important. I’d rather spend time with you.”
Oh, can’t your mother stay another week?”
Rodge, now he’s always havin’ an ordeal, if it’s not somebody rear-endin’ him, or asking him to wear shoes, or lower his voice because it carries, then a truck’s hood is folding back on him, or he’s spending another 60 days in jail, or being charged $100 a day in fines, or being profiled as senile, or his giant elbow or toe is acting up, or he’s having sympathy pains in his corroded arteries, or Artie’s getting a little too frisky, or Mark is disappointing him in any way possible, or I’m doing the same by just being me, or Mark just wont let him live in his house while he’s gone so Rodge can take nightly warm baths, or if Rodge does get into Mark’s house, he has to sit on the couch with its couch condom on (a blanket to protect it from Rodgey’s filth), which is humiliating, and counterproductive since he wants to make a mess, or he’s having heart trouble, or trouble reading the heart monitor, or trouble reading in general, and I help him by telling him stuff says stuff that it doesn’t really say, or he’s leaving his car on and locking the doors so it runs all day, or letting Adrian out, or the Dogpatch girls are a little too pricey, or I’ve eaten all his cheese and thrown away his moldy kitchen sink science project featuring an egg carton filled with paper towels he waters every day, or the clever garage game is calling him blue, or I’ve turned off his televangelist late-night-too-loud TV and his remote doesn’t work for turning power on and off, or he has to stay up all Saturday Night playing poker and then wait until noon on Sunday when the machines pay off 100% so you’ve gotta switch from five quarters in the machine to five dollars, or if that isn’t stressing him out, then Mark’s having a good time or vacation, which is troubling to him, or Choppie doesn’t appreciate his good intentions, or a car falls of his wrecker, or a tenant of mine asks him to unhook their car truck or van from his wrecker, or he gets pulled over for driving around with John Deere tags, or he’s worried that PK is feeling like getting intimate with him again, or his pills make him less sterile, or he stops taking his pills so he has erections and no place to put them, or he has to remember to tie the bathroom door shut to keep the heat in so the pipes don’t freeze when it’s 70 degrees outside when he cant latch the gate so we don’t lose Adrian with her Josh’s unconditional love, or Jack Campbell has run off with all his good stuff, or I’ve thrown away the bulk of his mail while he was gone and messed up the phone so he can’t get messages, or the TV isn’t loud enough, or the radio isn’t country enough, or the company isn’t George enough, or everyone else is happy so he cant be, or Sharon is playin’ hard to get or married, or he doesn’t get enough grandparents rights, or whatever he’s burning on the stove right at this moment right now is completely away from his conscious thoughts, or lawyers are trying to screw him, or set him up with gay men who want to screw him or the cows are out, or the cows need to be taken away to the sale barn but the price is too low, spent the whole morning loading those cattle, or I’m riding my moped without a helmet, or I’ve elaborately switched the hidden keys to all his vehicles with one another and he cant figure it out, or he’s peed the bed, or he’s peed his car, or peed his pants, or how he’s had to pee every fifteen minutes for the last five years, or how the service at the VA clinic is barely adequate and how they keep sending him more pills and he wants me to take some, or how he can honestly watch the same Western day after day and not grow tired of it, or how I must be joking when I tell him I don’t particularly care of the movie, “Me, Myself, and Irene”, and the troubles with his credit card not working and how mark screwed him big time, or how George just wont die so things can move along as planned, and how Kelly should be his woman, and Emily should be a poker dealer, and Abbey should work down at the Indian Casino close to her home, and I should be a dealer, and Dancy Girl should be a prostitute and he’ll be a pimp/regular customer, or the huge hassle he’s had with the Indians, or his breasts being tender, or his obsessive control over the kitchen sink, or how I watch him sleep for an hour or so every night before he goes to sleep and he catches me, or how hard it is to keep that same intonation, in every sentence, like he’s what it would have been like to have Eeyore personified, and how he has to remind me very day how Josh sure as Hell is fighting for my freedom in the army, or how he’s filled with glee each time something awful and not hurtful happens to me, and how he’s quit bathing, and how he cant miss Haggie, or Gunsmoke, or Rockford, or how he screams at technology, and how he thinks the answer to most of life’s problems is the internet, or how he never met a vehicle he didn’t want to set on his lot, or how the city is sure as Hell down on him about just about everything, and how he had to drag the brush and he felt like he converted, and how he craves whatever I’m eating, or if he sees a food on TV he’ll get the idea in his head and hafta have it, or how he has a complete sleeping arrangement prepared at any given time in the back of any of his cars, bcause he has to be prepare. And he calls ita ll his work, or his favorite Lynx goes rolling down the hill into the pond, or he’s looking for his soulmate, and he just keeps on staring at me until it’s kinda creepy and funny, or his family has come to town so he has to leave, or he hast o be inappropriate, and if he cant be inappropriate, he just gives up, and how he was ready to just give up when josh left, and how his daily life is centered fully and wholeheartedly on mark, or he’s noticing how PeeWee is just a groundhog wearing people’s clothing, or how he wanted to give PK half of the puppies form the new litter during the divorce an half a grain-fed steer, and all he got was a dollar and as mark, but he really got sweet chocolate kisses every night with his manfriend in Lebanon, and how the Bravo Channel’s got him thinking about getting his gay on, or how he used to really freak out when the trash man would come and get in our trash and he’d go running through the house in his saggy, off-white briefs, yelling “Trash Man’s here, Trash Man’s near” and how it’s all just too much for him, and I don’t think I’m gonna make it.
4.8 Rodge –If it’s inappropriate or wrong, I wanna do it.
Today Rodgey and I conferred, and we both agree that Mark in his underwear, with his crotch area swelling, is troubling to us. Mark often answers the dorr like this whenever we come over.
Rodge just tried to say something, but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of his gas.
Welp, it finally happened: Rode stole my license plates to outfit them on one of his cars. Bound to happen, hard to avoid it. Those November 07 tags just looked too good for him.
Man, I’m gonna rape you all the way home, I’m gonna rape you into the sunset, I’m gonna rape you as the credits roll, I’ll rape you, and people will pay to see it. Me raping you will be the #1 youtube video. I will rape you, break for a sensible lunch, and then rape you s’more. While I’m raping you, I”ll be thinking of better ways to rape you. Raping you is going to be my signature move. I want to be remembered as having rapesd you as the best of my abilities. In the end, these three remain: Faith, hope, and raping you. But the greatest of these, is raping you. If you could rape one person, living or dead, who would it be and why? It would be you. My love, I hardly raped you.
Rodge is going slow on this goat deal that would eliminate the chore of mowing the yard. These goats, these goats could eat the yard. And I’m all, “Rode, you’re getting’ my goat by not getting’ me a goat.”
Rodge, talking to Mark about how dangerous it is for me to be riding my moped, “Mark, you’re not worried that he’s ridin’ on a motorcycle, without a helmet, and he’s an idiot.”
4.20 Rodge – Actually I always wanted to eat a dog.
Dan’l – Ok Rodge, Lemme get this straight: I bring my cereal bowl down so we don’t get ants from food sitting out, then you take it directly to feed Adrian out of it, … and now you’re eating out of it.
Rodge, on the issue of me wearing a helmet on my moped, “Dan, I don’t even care if you DON’T wear your helmet when you drive your car.
So if I write everything I say in this book is written in red, that makes me Jesus in this story I guess. And Rodge would be God the Father. And Josh, at this point, would be the Holy Ghost.
Dan’l, at Icon, cleaning up after closing – I really started connecting with the music tonight. The rhythm, I think it’s in me now.
Finally Rodgey brought me goats. Two goats. Two goats that lived in his station wagon/sleeping bed all night crapping because we didn’t have a cage to keep them clear of Aderan.
In the comedy that is my life, I go outside and there’s Rodge, and he says, “Dan, I’ve got somethin’ for you to see. And there they were: 2 goats. I’ve named them Billy D. Goat, and Goatstein. My life is complete now.
No, Adrian’s a feral dog now. She’s completely undomesticated herself. She’s wild and unused to civilization. Her ways are not our ways.
Dan’l – I like those goats.
Rogey – Yeah I don’t see how anybody could resist such a thing as a goat.
Rodgey tells me today that his televangelist friends are worried about his “salivation”.
About every day, Rodgey talks about getting “the report” or “a report” from somebody or other. And a lot of times, he’s “been getting a bad report”.
Today Leann is going on a lake date with Nate. Great.
4.21 Rodge – Yeah, Leann has a clean-cut boyish look about her that, I really find attractive.
4.22 Woman if you keep it up, I will f you into next Tuesday.
So I had a conversation with beautiful Kelly tonight. This chick, she makes me want to pretend to be a better person.
Every night at Icon, my work demeanor resounds with the old adage, “slow and steady wins the race.”
4.22 Rodge – Dan, the phone isn’t working, and I think I’m gonna call Mark and see if HE’LL look at it, but I already look at it every day and it didn’t do any good.
Looking at Jonathan Davis these days makes me think he spent all his time in prison thinking, “Man, I gotta go tanning. I’m getting so white.”
Rodge –I feel like giving up and whining, but not giving up ON whining. Why does it hafta be this way?
Hillary – Oh man, I cant wait to eat me some ‘a those “Cereal O’s”.
Early, one of my and Josh’s biggest money making ploys was drawing Ninja turtles on posterboards we cut up ourselves and selling them on the school bus for 15 cents.
Y’know what I hate? I hate it when I’m about to maybe look at porn in the Cheek computer lab and someone I know comes up behind me and all, and says, “Hey Dan’l”. And I’m all “Yo”.
Before we left to see Josh yesterday, Rodge almost successfully pulled of the classic Rodge move of opting out at the last second.
I keep waiting to play on that giant pile of red dirt by Hammons Student Center that I call Hammon’s Hill.
Mark told Rodge that PK’s talking a lot more, but she’s making a little less sense. And Rodge responded, “Oh, so she’s back to normal?”
Now Rodge wants to have a threesome with me and Leann. I just know that what’ll end up happening is Rodge will come to me at the last second and say, “Dan, Leann couldn’t make it, come back to bed.”
Soloman says it’s not that gay to give a guy a handjob. Because touching a penis is touching a penis, and you touch your penis all the time and that can’t be gay.
4.23 Erin O’Cool’s friend, Abby - No matter how much I tried, my parents refused to by me a 1991 For Escort.
I think I may have called Rodgery “Grizzlor” today.
4.24 Connor – There’s a tear, in my eye.
Mark – Well, wipe it off.
Connor – It’s a tear, for my momma.
Rodge – Dan, I want you to make oatmeal for all of us, and I order you to make it delicious.
Roge had stopped the truck and trailer in the middle of the road and a car behind us was waiting on us to move or do something, and Rodge remarks, “Yeah, see – that’s why they invented road rage.”
Dan’l – Hunter, didju know that if you get bit by a dog dick, it’ll turn you into a dog.
Eh. I had something funny to say but I forgot it. And that’s the thing about memory – she’s like a jilted lover ready to knife ya in the ribs and the most inopportune moment.
SO my moped lives out in the Rodge Garage these days.
People when they get fat always end up looking either really jolly, or really mean. It’s polarizing.
Here is the story of Grand Spunk Railroad: Every band trip I was ever on, my mom drove the bus I roded in. SO I was never comfortable making out with a chick while my mom stared back at me in the big rear-view mirror she had, as busdriver. One time on the way back from Washington, MO, our bus broke down, so I was moved into a different bus wherein savanna Stokes was a passenger. She wanted me, and I fondled her buttcrotch. Then I fell asleep with her curled around my feet like a puppy. I awoke with spooge all over me. It was a huge spot, all up on the front of my pans. Grant spunk railroad.
Mark, looking at an old, unhappy heifer still producing milk even though it had long been without a calf: “If you pulled on one of those udders, dy’a think you’d get any milk?”
Rodge – Naw, you’d probably just get hoof-in-mouth disease.
Talking to Rodge about Dave and he, “Rodge, you were always my favorite father. I know that I’m not supposed to play favorites between you and stepdad Dave, but I’ve always liked you more.
Me, I go drivin around, all I ever see are down traffic signs. Mark, what he sees is, “Ok, there’s’ an unattended reefer trailer.” We see what we want to see.
So illegal Rodge signed a $10,000 check over to me (so he wouldn’t have to pay taxes on it) for me to keep it in my bank account, and very conspicuously signed it,
Roger J. Newell
Legal gift tax free to my son Danid R.
Roger J. Newell
Dang, I’m getting pretty dang polite, I’ve taken to saying “bless you” not just when people sneeze, but also when they hiccup or cough or sniffle.
Classic – I go over to Kelly McMaster’s house, walk into the livig room and see her dad, watching a 13 inch TV. So I’m all, “Whatcha doin? Watchin’ a little tv?”
Lemme ask you this: D’you see similarities between the word and meaning of papoose, the thing India women carried children in, and pussy, the thing women carry children in? Like they could be hybridized – Papoosie. They prolly come from the same root word, meaning “mommysack.”
Today after I spur-of-the-moment pose for a picture he was taking, Mark says to me, very lovingly, “Dan, you’re so gay.”
4.28 So the Republic School System called my new cell phone and told me that my child, Jusin McGinnis, had skipped school for the second time this semester.
4.29 The goats got out and Rodge was inconsolable. Then they came back and he was filled with glee.
Rodge – I was sure as Hell worried about where are goats are, sure as Hell.
4.30 So I woke up this morning, checked my bank account and found that there was $10,000 more in there than should have been, so I promptly rectified the situation.
Rodge sure as Hell tells me that when he was in Korea, local women were always saying to him, “Hey GI boy, I love you so much. You buy me chicken dinna?”
So I’m walking into the computer lab thinking, “Oh please Dan’l, don’t get horny. Please don’t get horny and hafta go into the bathroom and spend paper-writing time masturbating. Please.”
I think for my classes next semester I might hafta invent an imaginary son who I talk about in class every day.
If I had a vagina, I think I’d be constantly worried that something would be crawlin’ inside of it and livin: like an ant, a spider, a nice young man.
Man if I have a piece of gum that tastes really good, I cant help but swallow it. Swallow it like a dog – immediately.
5.1 Welp, I was looking for some way to try and improve my appearance. But I cant think of any.
I’ve come to find out that Rodge isn’t the kinda guy who flushes the toilet.
My butt is for lovers – I’m thinking about getting this as a bumper sticker, on my ass.
Rodge, “ Since I ruined the hood on Josh’s truck, I’ve decided it would just be easier for Josh to buy a new truck than for me to fix this old one.”
After Rodge threw shoes upstairs into my door, causing me to wake up early when I’d had a rough night sleeping anyway to be prepared for class, I called him this morning, saying, “Schooly, you almost screwed me”.
When faced with the decision as to whether to either pee himself, so that he can continue to play with kittens unbothered, or to take a break of a minute or so, losing precious kitten time, Connor will, invariably, choose to pee himself.
Josh’s drill sergeant, after he’d been asked if Josh could keep his whey bars in the DS’s office, because Josh won’t eat the regular candy bars from the vending machines in the hallway, “Noooooo private, you may not keep your Wee bars in my office. You must understand that if I let you keep your bars of Wee in my office, then I will have ding dongs and twinkies, stacked to the ceiling.
Hunter, slurring all his words together: “Papacomon.” “Papacomon”.
Rodge’s version of washing the dishes is letting them soak in something like swamp water.
In PK’s new vocabulary, the word for Josh is “George”.
Rodgey’s TV is on a 24 hour Televangelist loop.
Jessica Landis – I like people who would prefer to let other people down rather than letting themselves down.
My car is heard to start. I hafta physically turn a wheel on the engine, like an old timey Model T or something. So I’ve gotten to where I’ll just leave it running, like if I’m just running into the convenience store, or even in more ambitious ventures, and I’ll like, reason it out, I’ll be like, “I’m just gonna run and work out”, or, “I’m just gonna run in and go to school all day, I’ll leave the motor runnin’.”
I think Darrell at Icon Nightclub is going to start calling me “Lil Jumbo” as an homage to my BroBro, Jumbo. And my reason for thinking this is that Darrell at work called me “Lil Jumbo” tonight.
Dan’l – Mista Hood, I’m very disappointed in Darrell and myself.
Hood – Why’s that?
Dan’l – Well Darrel left the women’s bathroom cleaning about twenty minutes ago to, in his own words, “Change out the sanitary napkin trash can bags in the men’s restroom” and after he’d been gone about 20 minutes, I realize, “Hey, I already checked the feminine receptacle trash bags in the men’s restroom. Something’s amiss.
5.4 A small asian soldier in Josh’s platoon was caught masturbating on his bunk while watching porn on a little tv setting upon his chest. The drill sergeant had a good time with that one.
After I suggested to Tessa that I wanted a team of psycologists counseling me several hours a day, she responded, “Yeah and then you’d be in full-on Comedy Central mode”.
Rodgey – I’m always tryin’ to think two moves ahead. Even if one’s just a bowel movement.
I have the interesting ability to buy into a lie that I’ve just created and start believing it myself.
Darrell, I’m very disappointed in the both of us. You for leaving, and me for just being myself.
A voicemail message to Abbey: “Hey if I showed up at your house naked, you probably wouldn’t get horny. Wouldja. You’d prolly just call the police, dang it. You tick me off. Well, I dunno how you should take this message – but, take it for reals, take it to heart.
5.6 Last night all seemed lost, it was like my only option was plus-sized lovin’.
I was stickin out like a sober guy at a dance club. Wait. That’s, that’s just what I was, I guess.
Melissa Batten, after Jason was looking at her from behind his bar as she sat at her table, as he talked ot me about her, “What? Are you guys talking about my butt?”
And now, a short history of my facebook statuses, listen on my profile:
Dan’l New’ll is…
…planning on pooping on a guy in New York.
…hating Jew York
…thinking about facebook cheating on Leann.
…leaving New’ll York.
…making it bacon.
…trying to make a living off of being cute
…changing his status
…admitting once and for all that he has never used a telephone
…a social utility that helps to connct you with those around you
…growing out his pubic hair for Locks of Love.
…really too scared to leave his home
…sorry he ever facebook poked Cho Sueng-Hui, and wishing he could take that senseless barrage of poking back
…thinking about playing “King of the Mountain” on the giant pile of red dirt.
…wondering which is better: Hammons Hall, or Hammons Hole
…c’ntr’ctin ev’ry word he c’n.
…just what the gynecologist ordred
…Nick orf again.
Rodgey – Dan, I pooped the bed. I had, a little diarrhea in my bed, but PLEASE DON’T TELL ANYONE.
Rodge, on his practice, over the last week, of setting containers of urine, about the house, to kill flies, “Welp Dan, I’m done with it. I’ve gotten rid of all my urine. Well, I didn’t get rid of it so much as I scooted it.
Leann was very impressed about how Rodgey, after finding a tick on his leg, put it in his mouth and bit it.
Rodge – Dan, what d’ya think about letting the goats loose in the yard?
Dan’l – Well, I think it’s a bad idea that you’ll probably entertain over and over.
I gotta tell ya, I get more enjoyment outta these goats than I do throwing away Joco’s mail.
Rodgey – Dan, d’you know what happened to my phone? Well, we poked it in the wrong plug hole, and lost all it’s memories.
Something I’ve noticed is that old men, as they age, the cross of their legs gets tighter and tighter, until they look completely feminine.
Rodgey, for five minutes, pleading with Adrian, “Please come get your food! Adrian, please! Please Adrian! PLEASE come get your food, Adrian, please come get your food, please. Please come get it, Please! Please, Adrian, please!”
Anytime Mark says he might come over, the Big House is all a stir, rustling with mumbles of, “Mark’s comin’ over, oh, Mark. Mark’s comin over. It’s Mark, Marks, gonna come over.
Dan’l – Rodge, didju let the goats out?
Rodgey – No Dan, I didn’t let the goats out. I just let the goat out.
To any women I play coed ball with – “Please don’t try to fondle me under the guise of “good defense”. I been around the block.”
Ok, who else would like to see if Andre Kirilenko say, “I must break you.” to Baron Davis, as the latter is dressed in American flag regalia?
5.8 The Mabee Center, at Drury, doesn’t this wound like the kinda place you’d go to handle all of your indecision?
The next person who wrongs me, I’m putting pudding in their gas tank.
5.9 My favorite juice is quickly becoming cr’napple.
My new friend Allison, last night, says, “What street is this? Cherriokee?”
6.10 So, if you and I ever hug, be prepared to be the one who ends the hug. I’m just no good at closure. If it were up to me, we’d still be hugging.
I woke up this morning. Scared about how awesome I am.
I associate a certain nastiness with anything made of duct tape.
Rodge, the ultimate card-playing wuss: “I’m thinkin’ about passin’ in the dark.”
Rodgey, on my financial situation, still having insurance through stepdaddy Dave, “Whoa, are you gonna hafta be Roger Brigance now?”
I just want to note how closely connected Rodgey is with the goats and the cats. He talks to them all the time, whether I’m around to enjoy it or not.
So here’s the last few months in Adrian’s life: Josh leaves her. Rodge and I neglect her. We make her an outside dog. She has puppies, all of which seem to have died. She gets mange, Rodge and I avoid touching her.
More of my facebook status:
…is and will always be
…is a liability
…is a musical pirate
…is tired of school, and thinking of homeschooling himself next semester.
5.11 So, what I saw today was Rodgey, washing his armpits with one of the sponges in the kitchen sink, a sponge we regularly use to wash dishes.
Rodge keeps going on about how Mark, after seeing him go into retirement, immediately went into retirement himself.
These goats, these goats, they have a vacant expression on their goat faces. Constantly.
5.12 Attention: To date, I know of the following people who wipe their butts from the top down: Tyler Goodwyn and Rodgey. That is all, for now.
I try to remain optimistic about breasts. A woman has to prove to me that she has bad breasts before I’ll believe her.
Rodge, on his choice to let the goats out in the back lot, after they haven’t been seen since: “If you love something, you’ve gotta let it go. And if it comes back to you, you know it’s true love.
Visiting Josh is like walking into a hostage situation, he’s all scared all the time, saying, “Oh, I cant get in the car with you, I’ve gotta stay where they can see me.”
Today, I hadta pay to see Josh, because the army had taken him to a Springfield Cardinals game, and he couldn’t leave. I hadta pay to see him, like at a petting zoo.
Rodge – I was talking to Peewee the other day about the possibility of PK and I ending up together at the old folks home in Mt. Veron, and us sneaking off together for some kinda distorted sexual fling.
Today we’ve got a Springfield Cardinals game with Josh, and I’ve found Rodgey to be really concerned with $5 Hot Dogs. He’s mentioned them today at least 6 times.
5.13 Well, I’ve been combining words again and here’s what when someone aborts a baby and has a party to celebrate that, it could be called a celebortion.
Rodgey has a plan, and this is it: To cover Adian’s mangey bald spots, we simply spray paint her with black spray paint so Josh won’t notice. It’s a miracle cure.
A girl who’d just turned 21 dropped her glass with a mixed drink in it:
Girl – I’m so sorry. I’ve made a mess.
Dan’l, sweeping it up – Don’t worry, over time you’ll learn how to hold your liquor better.
Leann – Ok, Dan’l, I don’t wanna hear any more about your five foot ten-year-old.
Dan’l – For the record, she’s five foot ten, and she’s 20 years old.
Something I’ve noticed about myself is this: if I see an attractive woman, I’ll pout my lips out, probably to look more attractive. If I see an unattractive woman, I put my lips in, probably to avoid being kissed by an unattractive woman.
One time I got in big trouble with Abbey for writing on her leg in pen. She didn’t wanna see me for a week.
Often on facebook I’ll end up writing on my own wall thinking it’s Leann’s or someone else’s.
The noisy old man is in the computer lab again, breathing and wheezing. Man I wanna kill him. (later I found out he’s deaf.)
Leann will sometimes mention one of her colleagues. That makes me want a colleague. I think Rodgey will be my colleague.
5.14 Mark – I came over, and there’s Rodge, sprawled out naked watching the trinity broadcasting network.
5.15 More facebook statuses:
Dan’l New’ll is… making fun of everyone on the basis of race, religion, nationality, creed, ethnicity, age, disability, and sexual orientation
Sexual orientation? Does that mean “Do I like Asian chicks?” Sure, white brief panties, huge crotch muffs, what’s not to like?
Vagisil medicated wipes, uh? Makes me think of the vagina as just another butthole.
Jason Monroe was always havin’ trouble with his butthole. Why was Jason Monroe always havin’ trouble with his butthole?
Rodgey and I living together can be easily characterized by this thought – Rodgey and I continually hiding food from each other. And a lot of times, we’re using the SAME hiding places.
To find the goats, ROdge says we needa use our own traditional methods, that are time-honored and effective.
I think I’m gonna try to convince Josh that we’re turnin’ Adrian into a racin’ dog, and that’s why she’s so lean.
Bro, you gotta remember, this isn’t Adrian’s fault. We cant blame her for the mange.
Classic Bro, as Adrian was cooch-bleeding all over the carpet, “She’s a little ashamed of her body right now.”
Well we just had a goat-homecoming. Rodgey successfully gathered the goats back home after they’d been gone over a week.
5.18 I’ve been leaving a lot of voicemails for people in this style: “Hey, this is Dan’l, I was just calling to see what the hell you were doing tonight… give me a call back.”
Rodge, whinin’ in bed, “Dan, Dan come see me. I’m lonely. Dan, I know you’re here, I saw you come home.
Rodgey – Some people say I lean up nicely. But I pee my pants occasionally, and –
5.19 To date I have broken 2 glasses at ICON. And there’s always a co-worker right near when it happens to ask me, “Didju just break that glass?”
Tonight the part of Scott STapp was played by Brian Rainville.
Rodge told Josh, over the phone, that Adrian has the mange. Well, he brought down the thunder.
Rodgey – Dan, you’re my favorite son that lives with me.
Rodge claims that his whining is his trademark, and that he’s passing it on to Connor.
Puppy Robert Newell, just recently found alive, is already receiving mail at the Big House.
So red and black are popular colors for chicks to wear at Icon. And I found this bracelet with huge red beads on it and wore it around for awhile, and then found a chick who was wearing black with a red bed necklace, and put it around her wrist saying, “Here you go. This is for you.”
She – Where’d you get this?
Dan’l – I found it on the floor.
5.20 At Icon, leaving the bathrooms, Dan’l – I think it’s funny getting paid to be in here cleaning the women’s restroom, because if I didn’t work here, I’d be out cleaning a women’s restroom on my own, just for kicks.
Darrell – You and your brother have the same sick sense of humor.
Dan’l – Oh yeah we worked together for years perfecting it.
I have a hard time looking right in front of me while I’m walking around at Icon, so I’ll often run into someone, and this is all because I’m always on the lookout for squirrel.
Worst thing to say to someone with disabilities, if they ask you to hang out, “I’m sorry, my friendship isn’t handicap accessible.”
Chloe – I’m a sucker for trampolines.
Man, the other day, I really had a hankerin’ for some guy-on-guy porn. I mean, I’m not gay, but I really had the itch for someah that stuff.
So the mail that puppy Robert Newell received was about his past-due taxes in Texas.
5.21 Rodge, attempting to buy a llama:
Rodge – Will this llama eat coyotes?
Woman – No, this one won’t but some of them will.
5.22 Hey I’m watching that new Denzel Washinton picture. In this one, he’s a cop who fights against insurmountable odds, and eventually succeeds. Fresh.
There are people who I introduce myself to over and over every time I see them, like Chloe’s roommate Kristin. Just for the hell of it.
Thinking about renaming my moped (formerly Dan’l Cyc’l) the Slowped, due to its low range of speed. Leann calls it my Hoe-ped when I give chicks a ride. When Josh and I rode together, they were Bro-peds. This winter I took some chances with my Sno-ped.
Abbey Shoultz, social worker with a social phobia.
Dan’l New’ll is
… sick of the fact that his facebook status is always written in the passive voice.
…standing right behind you!
Man I been using the term “negress” a lot lately in reference to Halle Berry.
5.23 Here’s something funny I just noticed: m internal monologue in my head is always spoken by Alan Alda.
Soloman is smoking marijuana these days, in California. But I think it’s medical marijuana, to cure his gayness, because he claims he’s married to a woman out there.
My newest voicemail message, “I don’t know what number you called, but please leave me a message.” And an old one, “Here it is, the most important message of your life.”
Last night, I came downstairs, and Rodgey, naked, says to me, “Dan, let’s play one.”
and I respond, “Rodge, I’m not sure which one you want me to play.”
Wait, did I read something in the Bible about a lion having sex with a lamb? At this point, that’s pretty hot, I gotta admit.
Do you like it on TV when they say a certain product is gonna make your coughs more productive? Because I don’t think I like that.
Rodge, asking me to work the features on his phone, “Can you give me one-touch Dan? – Not physically, y’know.”
Last night at Nakato, I sent my lego guy on a boat ride around the sushi bar and back again.
Dan’l – Well Nay was wanting Josh to see PK, and I told her you cant make somebody do the right thing.
Rodge – No, that’d be like forced love.
Rodge: “…no, I don’t think it’d be ligle, or how do YOU say it? LEEEE-GAL.”
Rodge – The goat woman, she seems really nice. And she’s selling me four sheep, and a ram. She says him getting a really good deal, should I trust ‘er? … I gotta trust somebody.”
Dan’l: “And she did have really long fingers…”
Horniness is just ruining my day. I cant get anything done. Ugh! Alright Dan’l, fight it. Fight the Horniness. Fight it off.
Well, I think all of us are wondering what Rodge’s next move is going to be. My advice to him is to start listening to Britney Spears music from the late nineties.
5.24 Rodge, to Mark – Well, I’m givin’ you Dan now, he’s in the bathroom, pourin’ water up his nose from a tea kettle, “Go look at him! I’m serious!”
Rodgey – C’mere Adrian… she’s lookin’ for sheep.
Mark – Yeah, she’s got the taste for mutton.
Dna’l – I gotta feed Adrian, like 10 cans of dog food before Josh gets back, so she gets humpy and full figured.
Rodgey – No, we cant be feedin’ her while Josh’s here, because when he leaves, she’s just gonna hafta go back to the old way. We cant get her hooked on eating.
Rodge, after tying up one of the goats outside the fence, “Now they gotta learn an important lesson – the collar is their cruel master now.”
Rodge – Dan, these are recreational goats.
Mark’s got like, allergy-induced inkeye lookin’ eye, and I’m all, “Mark, couldja put on sunglasses for me at least?”
Mark – Yeah, I was trying to kiss Angie, and she wasn’t goin’ for it. She said it was like kissin’ somebody else because I look funny. And I said, “Well, haven’t you ever wanted to makeout with someone else?”
Dan’l – We gotta clean up the Big House for Josh’s homecoming.
ROdge – No, when Josh is comin’ back, we gotta leave.
Dan’l – No ROdge! I’m not gonna let you treat Josh like your family in Ohio.
Rodgey – Dan, we were drivin’ your new brown buick, and, it gave the ghost suddenly, and we hadta call Peewee to come clean up the remains.
John Grant – D’ya wanna play slap and tickle?
I’m ready at all times to feel sorry for someone who looks like they have even the slightest hint of Down Syndrome.
5.25 I am so close to posing as a blind person right now, I can almost taste the pity. I’m one step closer to obtaining the necessary stick and glasses.
I do believe that I’ve been wearing this shirt and pants combination for over a week, and I don’t see myself stopping today.
Dan’l New’ll is
… not your boyfriend.
… looking for a couch, trying to get rid of his textbooks, selling his car.
Something I’ve learned is that Rodgey is constantly freaking out over one thing or another.
Dan’l – Bro, the leavin’ and bein’ in the army for three years, is probably, the sluttiest thing you’ve ever done in your slutty life.
Josh, on Adrian, “she’s ashamed of herself. She had an unplanned pregnancy she’s not proud of. She looks awful.”
Once, at Hastings Entertainment Superstore, I got in trouble for opening and reading a Penthouse Forum and hiding it behind another periodical. I was found out and asked to leave.
For the longest time growing up, I thought that my dad was Fred Sanford.
And now, a testimonial: Roger J. Newell has in the last month, suppliesd the Big House kitchen with very moldy bread, and with a 1 lb container of yogurt that sat in a sunbaked station wagon for one week. All of which I ate.
Dan’l: “Listen, slutty Buddy, one time, I was over at that Taco Bell across the street with 2 19 year olds named Elizabeth, and then I took ‘em back to my room at Na ‘n Steve’s house, and we all played with my wiener.”
5.26 There was a rumor that circulated there for awhile that Johnny Barnett was growing out his pubic hair for the purpose of seeing how long he could grow out his pubic hair. This rumor started in a dream I just had, and was passed around by me all day today.
5.28 Rodge is constantly concerned that I’m gong to get a head injury riding my moped. What he doesn’t understand is that my head is directly connected to my face, and that I’ll never allow an injury to.
After seeing Rodgey naked and happy in his waterbed office wanting me to hang out, again, “I don’t think I wanna be pressured to move into a sexual relationship so quickly… with my father.”
Once, Old Bro Bro pooped out of a high limb in a tree, by the river on a float trip in front of a live studio audience.
There were a ton of elderly folks today at the Northside Applebees. Dan’l – Well, we’re here with the Centrum Silver group. Do they just bus ‘em in front from the adult daycare?
Hey, you wanna watch Under Seige II: Dark Territory?
All women are lying BIG TIME when they say they’re attracted to Eminem. I think they want people to think that they are because it’s trendy.
Alright, from the same people who brought you the classic, life-changing question of, would you rather have someone poop on your chest or pee down your buttcrack, comes, “Would you rather have a gay child, or a cross-eyed child?” and the Level II question: “Would you rather have a gay cross-eyed child, or a one-legged blind child?”
Newly – “Dan, did someone put your nose on crooked?”
So I was injured on my moped two days ago. And I”ve been weak since then, with a huge gash on my forearm and above my buttcrack. And today, Abbey make my ouies better. She bought a big box of bandages for my buttcrack. And after she put it on, I’m all, “I feel strong! I feel like I could take on six stout men at the same time in an orgy.”
With all my injuries, before Abbey fixed me, “I don’t see how it’s possible for someone to feel so bad, and look so good at the same time.”
Dan’l is… pretty sure that most everyone is attracted to him.
5.29 Bout time I invented something called “Truthpaste” for interrogation purposes.
Well, my new cell phone number is 844-4804. I been tellin’ people this is how it changed from 844-4084: “I dropped my phone in the water, and the numbers got mixed up. I drunno what to do.”
Leann – I wonder what kinda mother I’m gonna be. Like, most girls, they like babies and stuff.
Dan’l – D’you not like babies?
Leann – No! I mean, what’s the poiny? What’s the point of a baby?
Leann – David had small shoulders.
Dan’l – He had, like, child-bearing shoulders.
5.31 John – What?!! They’re putting commercials on video store movies before the movie comes on?
Dan’l – Yeah well, welcome to the 90’s.
I’m thinkin’ about getting’ involved in the gay community. I know I’m not gay, but I just wanna be a part of something.
Right now, I’m looking for someone who spells ‘hot” with a “w”. Hawt. That’s the kinda person I’m interested in.
6.1 Last night at work, I was stationed at the bathrooms, checking underagers who might try to wash of their M’s, and making sure no one took drinks into the restrooms. So I got bored and markered M’s on my own handtops. And, “Mr. Hood, I’ve been had – Some kids musta marked M’s on my hands as I dealt with some other important company problem, as my attention was elsewhere, and I was completely unawares.
There is an epidemic at Icon, of women grabbing my small butt.
At Icon, I’m on the scene with immediate disrespect for anyone who sings along with the pop dance songs.
Alright, who’d win, in an all-out, bare-assed drunken grudge match, Grape Ape… or McGillah Gorilla?
Ok, here’s what I wanna talk about: You ever notice there’s a certain height where, if someone is taller than that, they start looking funny due to their tallness? Like, they get long George Murison faces, swining-droopy monkey arms, another set of knees on their long legs?
Cleaning the bathroom with Joe, there was a ruckus out in the bar.
Joe – What’da think is happenin’ out there?
Dan’l – I suppose everyone’s taking body shots offa Naked Jordan.
Ok, so Chloe’s cousin Allie has come into Icon three times in the last month, and I’ve been tellin’ all the cousins she’s a regular, that everyone knows here on a first name basis, and that I really cant think of Icon without thinking of her. And Chloe told Allie’s mom about this, and she got in trouble.
Ok, here’s something about Mark: He loves to wear shoes that’ve been broken in by someone else.
When someone asks me why I put M’s on the backs of my hands, I like to respond, “I’m just tryin’ to relate to the young people.”
Rodgey – PK used to always do the weed-eating around here. Now she’s been replaced by goats.
There’s a hot chick in Blood Diamond who had giant eyebrows. Man I wanna suck on those eyebrows. I wanna stick them in my butt.
Gosh I’d like to give all my enemies a poison I.V.
I think that Rodge sure as Hell prefers to try to annoy cops all he can. It’s not about the fact that it’s easier to not be ligle, he’s just trying to get their goats.
Here’s a rule to live by: If you’re havin’ sex with the whores, and you fall off the whores, you gotta get back on the whores.
Y’know what sounds fun to me? Vehicular Manslaughter. I mean, what is that, is that like when ya kill a robomancar? My god, you just shot Optimus Prime.. you monster.
Rodgey, on Armageddon: “We have to go to West Texas when Achamender comes, … what is it, archameetees?”
I’ve been keeping track of my smileage… the amount oftime I spend smiling.
After a long absence… yet another GREAT MOMENT IN PK: When PK would think someone was feeling sorry for themselves too much, she’d say, “Oh well, boohooyou!” Dang, that still pains me in the top of my chest. Here’s another: “Well, you’re just in a snit.” Dan that DOES it for me.
6.2.07 or… 6.3.07. What I’ve learned about me is that I feed on compliments. Like, I get sustenance from them. In order for me to live well, I must be praised regularly.
So one night at Icon a dance circle formed as we were closing. And some pretty good dancers would go into the middle and spin around on their heads, which is what they do, and every third person, this butch chick from the Y who has a psychosis that leads her to believe that she’s hot, would strut across the middle of the circle like a rooster on parade. Ho.
Ok, one last time… are Nick Nolte and Gary Busey the same person? Answer me honestly.
Bro, on the phone: Oh… Nay, hold on a second…
Makr – Did he just call her Nay-Hole?
Another GREAT MOMENT IN PK: “Why don’t you just take a pill”.
Oh, Connor? That boy. He needs to embrace the tear-free lifestyle.
Rodgey has been talking some about Carnival Knowledge, which he says is smiliar to Carnal Knowledge.
Ok, I was tryng to sell my soul to the devil, over the internet, but he wanted to use pay pal, and I don’t think I’m really set up to accept that kind of payment.
Tonight Bro left for Louisiana, and I said to him before he left, “Bro, I dunno what I’ll do without you here… but I know it’ll probably make you unhappy.”
Rodgey’s idea four weeks ago, when Josh was gone and worried about how skinny Adrian was getting, was to take a picture of Adrian and a box of canned dog food, holding that days newspaper up in the picture as proof she was still alive and being fed.
Leann and I were talking about our weight:
Leann – Oh the many Dan’ls I’ve known.
Dan’l – Hey, I gained weight only because I was on medications that made it happen. That’s the only reason I was fat.
Leann – I ate a lot as a child.
Leann, on Canadajen – I really liked her when we met at Jeremy’s. And I tend not to like people, too.
Chloe, we’re hangin’ out this weekend. I can almost taste the friendship. Mmm.
On my dependence upon Abbey as a mother figure: Abbey, when we don’t hang out for awhile, why do I get to feeling like an orphan?
Dan’l, on his TA Theatre position… “Somebody’s gonna see my wiener. I dunno if it’s me, or the students, or some slut, but somebody’s gonna see it.”
Dan’l New’ll is…
wondering, did myspace die?
desiring a status free of helper verbs.
6.4 Now Mark was neutered. And George Maples reads in his bible that we should be fruitful and multiply. So if George finds out that Mark had a vasectomy, he’ll probably pronounce Mark to be a “Hoodooer”.
Dan’l – Alright Rodge, what’s my next move?
Rodgey – And Judas went out and hanged himself. You can get your messages in the Bible, Dan.
So at Icon, as we know, I’m fulfilling all my skanky potential. The prophecy is coming true. I’m hitting on all 8 slut cylinders.
Dear Leann in 2015:
Leann of the future who I’ve had sex with. Haha. You finally gave in, and here I am to make fun of you. I guess the only way for you to not have sex with me now, is for you to go back in time, and tell your past self to not have sex with me. But also, you r past self is probably way too attracted to me to listen. SO, how was sex with me? I’m glad it didn’t affect our friendsehip, and that things went back to exactly as they were before, except for the fact that your vagina was very loose after that, because of my huge penis.
Your friend, Dan’l
Dear Dan’l in 2015,
Good news! My future self just warned me to never have sex with you, so we’ve never had sex. What would I do without my future self? She is so wise and, hopefully, not fat. So, how was eight more years of not having sex with me? Things must be exactly how they were, except hopefully my vagina is looser on account of someone else’s huge penis. You’re cute.
Your friend, Leann
Looking at larger women, “Yeah, she’s big, but she wears her fatness well. She pulls it off. I’d do her.”
One thing I used to do is, pretend to have air conditioning in my car in the middle of the summer, to look like a rich person. And I would sweat like an overweight televangelist.
Today, Emily hadta clean up a mess that involved Elijah having pooped in the bathtub.
So in order to save my whole wheat bread supply, I’ve resorted to using a decoy bread box to trick Rodgey.
Dan’l is… at home, typing with one hand.
Rodge claims I’m taking advantage of him, plucking him for all he’s got. He’s been plucked silly. Being plucked, from the rear.
Leann, I had a dream where I didn’t have a very dominant chin or jaw line, and it was tickin’ me off. Then I woke up and I was pretty happy.
So I had this other dream, where I was watching a movie and the entire movie was about the TriStar mascot Pegasus, and the MGM lion. And they were married. And they lived on top of the Paramountain. And they were buddies. It was kind of a cross-species homoerotic buddy comedy.
My newest project is… I’m developing crotchless underwear for men.
6.6.07: So from now on, I’m going to be calling the Big House, “Headquarters”. Rodgey is still my colleague, and anytime we talk it will be called a business conference.
So Rodgey’s building up quite the bedside arsenal. He’s got, like 3 pistols and a rifle in his bed.
So Leann went off on a tirade against sugar on her facebook wall. And you know this had to offend me, with my pro-sugar agenda. She was all:
*Sugar can suppress the immune system
*Sugar can lead to periodontal disease
*Sugar can promote tooth decay…
And so I struck back. I have long been a sugar advocate, dating back to when I worked at Smoothie King, and I was paid entirely in sugar. I made this list, based on highly educated research:
*Sugar possesses antibiotic attributes and can be used to heal wounds.
*Sugar placed on the tongue can cure the hiccups.
*Sugar may help people stick to slimming diets.
*Sugar died on the cross to save you form your sins.
*Sugar makes things taste good.
*Sugar provides energy. Not eating enough can make you sluggish and unattractive.
*Sugar was used by the ancient Greeks as an all-purpose cleaner.
*Sugar comprises 99% of all the beaches in Heaven.
*Sugar is a carbohydrate needed by the body.
*Sugar starred in five action films in the 70’s and recently released an R&B album
*Sugar was the primary building material used to build many medieval castles.
*Sugar will make all the boys like you.
Where was it in the Bible that God spoke into the Homosexuals, telling them to be fruity, and to multiply?
I’m worried that my cats don’t get enough vegetables. This probably comes from the fact that my cats don’t eat any vegetables.
6.8 Tonight at Icon, Dan’l – Hey, that chick grabbed my crotch last year on Halloween. I remember specifically because I’d dressed my penis up like a pirate.
Today Rodgey is overcome with esteem for the chicken. This is because the chicken has one all-purpose hole, which it uses for all of its bodily functions. Defecating, birthing, urinating, and having sex with this hole. The chicken is an efficient animal to be admired.
Dan’l New’ll is… trying to market his sex appeal to the lesbians
…typing with one hand.
Nate Barnacle sits down beside me in the computer lab
Nate: Have you been tanning?”
Dan’l – No, I would do such a thing. It might be my cocoa butter.
Nate – Why d’you smell like cocoa butter? Wait, does this have to do with you typing with one hand?
Dan’l New’ll is… trying to explain to Nate why he smells richly of cocoa butter.
Dan’l New’ll is… thinking about starting an erotic news channel.
So I was readjusting my crotch parts last night at Leann’s and she caught me, and I look at her like, “What?” and she’s all, “Don’t look at me like I’m the one with my hands down my pants.”
Dan’l – Ok, Leann, I’m gonna get a synopsis of Dr. Zhivago so we know what’s going on.
Leann – Why dontcha get a synopsis of Brian’s butt?
Lately I find myself in need of a place to nap and masturbate in the middle of town.
Chick at Icon asked me what I like to do, and I’m all, “I like to collect junk mail. Yeah, just see how much I can get.”
What Emily and I did for each other in Spanish class was to keep each other from learning the Spanish language.
6.10 Did I ever tell you that I once stole an entire KFC lunch buffet, complete with biscuits, assorted chicken, and attempted vegetable? Oh yeah, I love heists.
Next time I tell somebody I stowed something about, like under my airplane seat or the like, I’m gonna be all, “Yeah, I Harriet Beecher Stowed it away, under my seat.”
Hey, why have I started to feel sorry for handicap bathrooms?
I often wonder what went into Josh’s decision making when getting involved with a chick or not. How did he choose? What combination of looks and the ease with which he could attain said woman comprised his criteria?
Every Saturday night now I hafta work the Exit door. I hope I don’t get the nickname “Exit Door Guy”, Lord knows I don’t need that kinda publicity.
What I had a hard time with last night was stamping black people’s hands for re-entry. Because, Hell! Who could see the stamp?
Dan’l – Rodge, I’m sure as Hell-ping you clean up the Big House.
I was wondering to myself, why is it so natural to see Rodgey walking around in tan army-issue briefs? (ones that Josh left) Then I realized it was because I’d seen him searing worn out off-white briefs my entire life.
Rodgey – Adrian, she’s not being the good Sheppard. The Good Sheppard doesn’t eat the sheep.
I passed gas loudly at Leann’s house, she gets up and leaves the room. I yell after her, “Leann, wait, I can explain!”
Hey wait a minute… anal bleaching? That’s an option? I had no idea. I’ve never really been happy with the color of my anus.
Evidently there’s no longer a library on Kearney, so I went to return my library books to the Jordan Valley Health Center on Kearney, and I was let down.
6.11 Whoa, I’m thinkin’ about ordering my Dan’l with the pony package.
Once Nancy Anne (my patially mentally handicapped former aunt) called from Ohio to tell PK that Jimmy was lost in a blizzard and she needed our help. PK told her she should call 9-1-1.
Leann’s favorite part of the motorcycle license test booklet: Pedestrians and animals are unpredictable and make quick, short moves.
Hey, wait, Rex Maupin’s name means “King Maupin”.
6.13 Dan’l New’ll is… wondering if there is an upward limit to the number of pointless applications facebook can have.
…is was were am be been being.
Circa 1992, while driving to the Aldersgate, Newell family reunion alone, a 23-year old sister Renee stopped at a weigh station, because she thought all vehicles had to be weighed.
You remember how embarrassing it was to accidentally call your elementary school teacher, “Mom”? Well, a couplea years back when Abbey and I were dating I once accidentally called her “Mom”. Awkward.
The Edwards Family, in “Dead Pets Society”. Due to her blindness and huge tumor on her leg, Lucas Edwards decided it was time to put their dog Sally down. So he injected her with some insulin, from the diabetic Edwards Aunt. While doingn so, he noticed the family cat, who he’d grown tired of. He shot her full of insulin as well. Then he drove to the humane society, an odd place for a person who’d done what he’d done, I’d say, and he asked the person at the front desk, “Hey, where d’you put the dead dogs?”
“Oh, we have a dumpster out back.”
“… and what about the dead cats?”
“You had a rough day, I take it.”
Ok, so, when a man has sex with another person’s armpit, it’s called “bagpiping”.
Intercrural sex is the technical term for thigh sex. Funny that it actually has a name.
So Rodgey’s forte in the army… Escape and Evade.
So I was reading about a movie with Mary Steenburgen in it, and all I could think was, yeah, a steamed virgin sounds pretty good right now.
6.14 So I was up all night googling “Brian’s Butt”, and uh…
Preaching to John about the large orange I just bought at Braums
Dan’l – John, look at that orange. Isnt it beautiful.
John – It’s an alright looking orange.
Dan’l – What! Why, it’s breathtaking. Y’know the orange crop this year is horrible. I’m very lucky to have such an orange. When I first saw it, I thought, what is that, a grapefruit? It was so big.
John – Ok, it’s a nice orange.
Dan’l – John I cornered the market by buying this orange.
Leann – The resale value of an orange like that is through the roof.
Based on people’s reaction to me when I’m on my moped, the way they constantly wave and smile and laugh at me as I ride by, I’ve decided to start carrying a buncha candy around with me all the time when I’m riding and throw it out under hand to people that I pass. And I think maybe I’ll have Leann ride with me or her own scooter and just wave, like we’re a float.
So Leann was in the process of watching 2 ½ hours of “Project Runway” tonight. I gave her enough time to get it over with, so I wouldn’t hafta be witness to all the catty gayness, and when I got over there, I’m all, “Leann, I hadta pray to god that you’d be done watchin’ that crap by the time I got over here. And you know how much I hate to pray to God.
So Rodgey and I, working jointly so neither could rat on the other to Josh, tied up Adrian, so she won’t romp around the neighborhood and get taken by the dog catcher. So poor whiney Adrian is tied up.
Rodgey – Well Dan, we’ve solved our latest dog problem.
Dan’l – I cant bear to see her like this, let’s go inside.
SO Craig Mayer, who is a lifetime stutterer, would be talking in class, and he’d get stuck on a word. And everyone in class would be wishing on as he said, “Wew, (well) wew, wew, wew, wew wew.” And we’d all be thinking, “C’mon, you can do it. Get to that next word.”
Rodgey is thinkin’ about calling his TV provider and telling them there are too many black people on it.
And now, as a way of filling up the last page and a half, highlights from last semester: But first, I’d like to dedicate this book to all the great funny ones I’ve lost thus far. PK, BroJosh, Tyler, Sarah Tiehes. Much Love.
In ENG 625… Margaret Weaver: “Daniel Newell?”
“They call me, Newly”
…first entering the room, “OH, I’m sorry, I’m new around here and I”ve lost my way. Could you point me in the direction of room 104?
This is room 104.
…later, Margaret: Ok, as a way for everyone to get to know one another, let’s go around and tell about how we survived the Ice Storm, how long we were without power.
Dan’l – I lost power for a day and a half, during which time I powered my home using a small handcrank generator. I’ve had numerous people staying with me since the ice storm, because they didn’t have power, most of them attractive women. I experienced a great deal of looting during the power outage. (aw.) Yeah, yep. I ended up with a lot of great stuff and now I’m selling it all of low, low prices.
Dan’l, to Steve, who dropped the class I was in with him last semester – Steve, you’re not gonna drop this class are you? Because last time I had a class with you in it, in this very same classroom I might add, you dropped.
Steve – No.
Dr. Weaver – How can you tell if a face is male?
Dan’l – A more dominant monkey brow? Well I dunno if a monkey brow is the technical term.
This year’s newest whore: Josh. What a whore. How could he leave me, alone, with Rodgey? Deadbeat Bro. Deadbeat Son. Deadbeat Dog owner. The Todd Harper army lifestyle was just too seductive. It loved him.
Yep. Tyler was, is, and will be a whore. That is an eternal truth. And I guess, now, so is my BroBro. Because he left, too. What a whore. Tyler and Josh are together, well, that there, that’s just a two-headed whore-monster right there. And what a whore-monster! And I know I’ve said this before, but the Humor Journal fell on the bathroom floor as I was writing this while pooping.
Dang it. BroJosh is a whore. And so is Tyler. Yep. So is Tyler.
That Tyler, what a whore. I mean Whore Central. Whoretown ladies sing this song. The man was the essence of what it is to be a whore. And now, I’m gonna pour one out on the curb, for all my homos. Much gay love. XXOO.